Sonny's Home For Boys
by SpiritedQuill
Summary: He wasn't staying. There was no way he could stay, even if Sonny treated him like one of his own. He had to get back to Sammy. His dad would come back and he'd go back to doing what he did best: hunting. Still... the mysterious blue-eyed boy named Castiel made it really hard to not want to stick around and never go anywhere else again.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Frozen Peas

"_Dean, I'm hungry."_

The words echoed through Dean's mind as he walked through the little convenience store, taking long deep breaths and trying to act normal. He saw the shelf with cans of ravioli and smiled a little. Sammy loved the mini ravioli. Almost as much as he loved mac and cheese.

Dean looked around, trying to keep his breathing even. There weren't any cameras that he could see and there was just the one cashier. He could do this.

He grabbed two cans of mini ravioli and stuffed them into his jacket. After closing his eyes for a second to steel his nerves, he started walking as casually as he could towards the exit.

"Hey, can I help you, boy?"

Dean startled and glanced over at the cashier. He froze for a second then shook his head with a smile. "Uh, no thank you. I was just leaving."

The cashier gave him an odd look and Dean swallowed thickly but kept walking. He saw the cashier wave over the cop standing by the door and his stomach dropped. How had he not seen him there before?

"He didn't buy anything… yeah, he was just wandering around…"

Dean heard the cashier whispering to the cop and his heart pounded harder in his chest. _Don't panic, Winchester. Just act natural._

"Hey there, son, why the hurry?"

_Shit._

Dean turned to see a man in a deputy's uniform standing over him. He gulped nervously. "Uh, sorry sir. I was just, uh…" he trailed off, panic setting in, and turned and broke into a sprint out the door.

"Hey stop that kid!"

Dean glanced back over his shoulder to see the deputy running after him, but he kept running…

...right into the other deputy.

Dean lost his balance a bit, dropping the ravioli cans from his jacket, and the deputy shook his head. "Turn around, kid," he said, pulling out a pair of handcuffs. Dean panicked. He couldn't get caught. On instinct, he threw a punch at the deputy and tried to run again, but the other officer was there to catch him by the arm.

"Not so fast."

Dean cursed under his breath as his hands were cuffed behind his back and he was ushered into the back of the deputy's car.

As they drove away, Dean could only think of Sam, and how he had failed him.

…

"Mr. Winchester, hi. We caught your son shoplifting, thanks for coming-"

"What happened?" John asked, looking over at Dean, disappointment in his eyes. Dean swallowed hard, but he couldn't speak. He deserved that look. He'd been caught. That was one of the number one rules. Be smart, don't get caught.

"Now listen, Dean punched one of my officers. That's a big deal, it'll have to go on his record. But the store owner isn't pressing charges. Once I process him, he's free to go if you could just sign a few papers-"

"No."

"Sorry?"

"Dad-"

"No, he can sit for what he did. Give him some time to think. He's your problem now."

"Sir-"

The sheriff was interrupted by a door slamming shut, and John Winchester was gone. The man sighed. "Officers, take these cuffs off. I'll call Sonny." Grunting a bit in protest, the officer with the shiner on his eye, courtesy of Dean, unlocked the cuffs from Dean's wrists. Dean winced a little as they came off, rubbing his sore wrists.

Dean couldn't believe it. He had only stolen food for Sammy. He was trying to take care of his brother. It wasn't his fault dad didn't leave them enough food for a whole week. And he said he'd only be gone four days.

Shaking his head, trying not to think about that, he looked down and pretended he wasn't eavesdropping as the sheriff spoke on the phone again.

"Yeah, Mr. Ellison, I've got a situation here… Yeah, do you have the space? No, not that, he was just here… I can't believe it, he just left… Yeah, I'll let him know... His name's Dean. Thanks, Sonny. Bye, now."

Dean's face scrunched with a confused frown. Sonny? What the hell?

"Listen son, I know-"

"Don't call me son," Dean spat. "My dad's coming back. He's just pissed off, he'll be back." Dean wasn't even sure he believed it, especially with that sad look the sheriff was giving him. He hated pity.

"I'm sure he will, but you can't stay here in any case," said the sheriff. "For now, we've got a nice boys home 'round here where you can stay. A warm bed's better than a jail cell."

He had a point, Dean thought.

"Fine. I'll be gone by tomorrow anyways when my dad comes back."

"That's alright by me, son."

…

"Come on, Dean," Sonny said, and Dean followed reluctantly. Sonny's smile was so warm and kind. He couldn't look at it. "Let's get some frozen peas on those wrists and I'll show ya to your room."

"I-I get a room?" Dean stuttered out, stunned, without meaning to. Quickly collecting himself, he shrugged his shoulders and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He only winced a little when the leather rubbed his raw wrists. "I mean, yeah, uh, sure. I guess I can stick around for one night."

Sonny smiled, amused, and glanced at him over his shoulder as he grabbed a bag of frozen peas. "You're sixteen, right?"

Dean nodded silently.

"Oh, yeah," Sonny said with a low chuckle. "I remember that age. Too cool for school, right?"

Dean shifted uncomfortably. He didn't particularly like being psychoanalyzed. "I dunno what you're talking about."

Sonny smiled knowingly. "'Course you don't." He handed Dean the bag of peas and clapped him lightly on the back. "You'll fit right in here, Dean."

Sonny led Dean upstairs, down the hall, and to the room at the end. There were six beds, 3 on each side of the room, with a rug in the middle. "The other boys are just finishing up their chores, but you can pick your bunk and settle in a bit." Sonny paused and glanced at Dean, his heart clenching at the look on Dean's face. He'd never had his own bed in his life by the looks of it. Clearing his throat, Sonny spoke again. "The first two on the right here are taken. Benny and Chuck. Ash has this first bunk on the left, and the far left corner is Castiel's bunk. You can take your pick of the other two."

Dean took it in for a moment longer before shaking himself out of his haze and tossing his jacket on the middle left bed. It's not like it mattered anyways. "Thanks," he muttered, and Sonny left the room to give him some space to adjust.

Dean looked around. The room wasn't exactly huge, but it was surprisingly roomy considering 6 boys lived there. It was actually kinda nice, Dean thought. He even had his own night stand. He'd only ever had a bed to share with Sammy in dirty hotel rooms, so this was practically paradise.

Dean shook his head. No. He wasn't staying. He couldn't just leave Sam, and his dad would come back. Of course he would.

His chest hurt at the thought of Sam. Where was he now? Did dad drop him off at Bobby's, or drag him along on a hunt? Did he even know what happened or why Dean wasn't there? Or how his dad has basically told him "You're on your own, rot in jail for all I care." How all he wanted was to get some food for Sam but he didn't have any money left. How he was abandoned for trying to be a good big brother.

He felt tears spill out of his eyes and he wiped them away roughly, squeezing his eyes shut tight. "Don't cry, Winchester. Crying means you're weak and you're _not _weak," he scolded himself just before the door flew open. He looked up as a lanky brown-haired boy ran into the room. The boy stopped in his tracks and looked at Dean.

"Oh," he said after a moment. "You must be the new kid." He went to his bed, on the right corner closest to the door, and grabbed an inhaler. "I'm Chuck," the boy said after taking a deep draw of his inhaler. "We're about to have lunch. Nice to meet you."

Dean didn't even have a chance to speak before Chuck was dashing out of the room again. Strange kid, he thought.

Dean wiped his hands down his face and shook out his shoulders before heading downstairs. He silently took a seat at the table with the other boys, not in the mood for more introductions. The others seemed to be fine with that- except for one boy. He was about Dean's age, with bright blue eyes, and he was staring right at Dean.

Dean's temper flared. "What's your problem?"

That got everyone's attention.

"Well howdy, newbie," said one of the boys. He looked about seventeen and he had an _awful _mullet.

"We haven't had any fresh faces around here in quite some time," said the boy next to Dean. He looked to be the same age as Mullet Man over there.

"Yeah, well don't get used to it, cuz I'm not staying," Dean snapped. "I'll be gone before you know it so take a good look."

_Cocky. That'll get old really quickly, _Castiel thought. He looked away from Dean without a word and crossed his arms, scolding himself for so blatantly staring at Dean.

"So, what're you in for? Oh, and I'm Benny by the way. And that dick head is Ash, you can ignore him."

"Hey, I'm not-"

"And you already met Chuck here." Chuck waved enthusiastically. "And Mr. Personality over there is Castiel."

Castiel didn't even look up at the sound of his name. Dean glanced at him curiously. This place was wack job central.

Dean looked back at Benny. "Well, I can see we're all fantastic at first impressions." He paused, trying to think of how to answer Benny's question. "And well, I punched a cop. So that'll do it."

Cas tried to keep an eye roll at bay.

"Yeah, that would," Benny laughed.

Benny stopped laughing and sat up a little straighter as a middle aged woman walked into the room carrying a tray of sandwiches and fruit.

"You boys been working hard?" she said with a smile just as warm as Sonny's.

"Thank you, Ruth," Castiel spoke up, barely audible to the rest of the room. He smiled thankfully at the women and Dean couldn't help but notice he had a nice smile.

"Hello? Earth to Dean?" Ash said, waving a hand in front of Dean's face and grabbing a sandwich before Ruth could even set the tray on the table. "Trust me, he's not that interesting," he said, and Dean's eyes snapped away from Cas quickly. "He seems all mysterious and deep but you get past that pretty quick."

Somehow, Dean doubted that was true.

As the boys ate, Dean couldn't help but sneak glances at Castiel. He half-heartedly participated in conversation with Benny and Ash, but he was honestly more concerned with learning everything there was to learn about the quiet blue-eyed boy.

Cas finished eating before the other boys who were too busy talking to actually eat (except for Ash who was under the implication he could do both simultaneously). He stood stiffly and took his plate to the sink, wiping it clean and setting it to the side. Cas had noticed the new kid Dean staring at him throughout lunch. It was nothing he wasn't used to. The other boys stared at him the same way. Intrigued, but not necessarily in a good way. There was almost always a hint of fear.

He never used to get those stares. But that was before.

He rubbed his hands down his shirt to smooth some of the wrinkles and walked past the other boys wordlessly. He did allow himself a moment to get a better look at Dean.

Green eyes, freckles, light brown hair that almost looked blonde in the sunlight, all wrapped up in flannel and blue jeans. And unfairly handsome. That was what Dean looked like.

Cas shook his head and left the kitchen, hurrying out the front door before he got carried away.

As he stepped out onto the porch, he bumped into a girl with dark hair and a guitar case slung over her shoulder. Castiel apologized and looked up at the familiar face, smiling a bit.

"Oh! Hey, Castiel," the girl said, blushing.

"Hello, Robin," Cas said with a nod and a polite smile.

Robin's blush darkened when Cas said her name. Castiel's heart sank in sympathy. He hated that every time she looked at him with those hopeful eyes he had to shoot her down. It wasn't exactly his fault, he just wasn't interested. "Uh, no thank you, Robin. We got a new kid today, though. He might want to," Cas offered with as little pity as he could manage.

"Oh really?" Robin asked with a smile, trying to hide her disappointment. "Sounds awesome. I'll, uh… I'll see you around then, Cas."

Cas nodded and waved to her as he hopped off the porch and headed off to the field behind the house.

Robin sighed sullenly, watching him go. She only took a moment to feel sorry for herself, though, quickly schooling her features and stepping through the front door. "Knock knock!" she announced cheerfully.

Dean looked up when the door opened, for a split second hoping it was Castiel. But he wasn't disappointed by what he saw at all. His eyes widened when a _very _beautiful girl with a guitar entered walked through the door.

Ash scoffed. "That's Robin," he told Dean quietly. "She's totally head-over-heels for Chatty Cassy but no one knows why. Don't even bother, bro."

Dean slapped on his trademark cocky grin, straightening his collar and standing up. "Watch and learn, boys."

He sauntered into the living room with his best charming smile. "Hey," he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "You know, I've always wanted to learn how to play guitar. Think you could teach me a few things?"

"That's what I'm here for," Robin said, unfazed by the blatant flirtation. She heard that shit all the time, but never from one person in particular.

She sighed and turned to the boy with a polite smile. "You must be the new kid Cas mentioned. I'm Robin," she told him, shrugging the guitar off her shoulders and sitting on the couch.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's me," Dean said, taken aback slightly when she didn't react to his flirting. "My name's Dean."

Sonny chose that moment to enter the living room, smiling when he saw Robin. "Hey there, Robin. Uh boys, have any of you seen Gordon?"

Dean frowned. The other boys shrugged and said they hadn't seen him, and Sonny sighed and walked out the front door.

Sitting down next to Robin on the couch, Dean asked, "Who's Gordon? I thought it was just the four boys."

"Gordon is… well, it's a long story," Robin said, frowning. "He's a jerk. Cas always tried to protect people when Gordon picked on them, so Gordon decided to target him instead. And Anna…" Robin trailed off, stopping herself. It wasn't her place.

Dean felt an odd sense of protectiveness at the idea of someone bullying Castiel. He couldn't quite place it. But he knew what it was like to be different, to be treated like a freak. He wouldn't wish that on anyone. "Sounds to me like someone needs to teach Gordon a little common decency," he told Robin fiercely, and she scoffed, pausing her strumming to look at him.

"What? And that's gonna be you? Look, you're right. Gordon needs to learn a lesson. But Castiel knocked him around pretty hard and he still didn't learn it. You'd think with what Castiel did…" she stopped herself again, shaking her head. "Well, you'd think he'd learn to leave well enough alone."

Outside, Castiel had wandered into the small patch of forest that sat behind the property. He looked up into one of the trees and smiled when he saw a small nest with three baby birds and their mother. He began climbing the tree, settling in with his back against the trunk a few branches below the nest. He watched them with a small smile, leaning back against the tree and enjoying the time alone.

"Hey, bird boy," called a voice from below, and Cas stiffened. He looked down with disgust when he saw Gordon standing at the base of the tree. The older boy smirked and taunted, "Got your wings yet?"

Cas rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the birds. "Go away, Gordon," he muttered.

"What was that now? Couldn't hear ya." Gordon's eyes darkened and he hopped up onto the bottom branch, beginning to sway and put his entire weight into shaking the trunk. He smirked up at Cas as he struggled to keep his grip on the tree. He continued shaking the tree and taunting Cas. "Don't feel like talking, huh? Fine by me."

Castiel gritted his teeth, trying to cool his temper. He wanted to hop down there and shove Gordon's face into the tree. It wouldn't be hard. He wasn't big, but he was stronger than Gordon for sure. But after what happened last time… Well, the thought was enough to cool Cas down pretty quick. He would just ride it out and Gordon would get bored eventually.

It wasn't until he noticed the bird's nest teetering on its branch that he finally moved. The mother bird had flown away the second Gordon began shaking the tree, but the nestlings were still there, and they couldn't fly.

Cautiously, Castiel stood, steadying himself with a firm grip on the branches above him. He began to pull himself up, gasping and catching his grip when his foot slipped. Gordon began to shake the tree with even more fervor and the nest slipped. Castiel cursed and dove to catch it, falling to the ground with a thud. He groaned as the nestlings chirped in alarm, startled but safe and sound. Cas, on the other hand, was less than okay.

Gordon smiled smugly and hopped down from the tree, landing inches from Castiel's head. Cas glared up at him. "Nice catch, bird boy," Gordon sneered, then turned and shifed his expression into one of panic. "Hey!" he shouted. "Someone help! Cas is hurt!"

Dean was about to tell Robin that he didn't care what Gordon did, he could take him. He'd seen worse. So much worse. Gordon didn't scare him.

He was cut off when he heard yelling outside and he instinctively jumped up. He followed when Sonny and the other boys ran outside to see what was wrong.

Sonny ran through the open field, stopping to kneel next to Cas. "Hey, buddy, you all right? What happened?" The man didn't believe Gordon's concern for a second, nor did anyone else. They all knew him better than that. But Sonny was more focused on making sure Cas was okay than punishing Gordon.

Castiel groaned and began to sit up, and Sonny helped him. "The nest slipped," he said, smiling weakly. "I caught it."

Sonny chuckled. "What am I gonna do with you, boy?"

Dean followed the others outside, heart sinking when he saw Castiel on the ground. As he came closer to make sure the boy was okay, he noticed Gordon standing off to the side with a smug look on his face. Temper flaring, he marched out onto the grass and shoved the taller boy's chest.

"So you like picking on people, huh?" he growled. "Maybe you should try picking on me, see how that works out for ya. Come on, do it," he shoved Gordon again. "Do it! Unless you're scared," he challenged, eyeing Gordon fiercely.

Gordon laughed. "Fine, tough guy."

Sonny stepped in the middle of them before Gordon could throw a fist. "Hey, knock it off, both of you. Gordon, get in the house, now! Dean, help me get Cas inside."

Dean nodded, taking a breath to calm down but still glaring at Gordon.

Castiel tried to stand, looking at Dean with confusion. Why was he trying to protect him? He could take care of himself, anyways. But still, why would Dean even want to stick up for him?

Cradling the bird's nest, Cas muttered, "I'm fine, I can take care of myself."

Gordon laughed again. "Are you sure, bird boy? Your boyfriend here seems more than willing to swoop in. Looks like someone else stepped up as hero, Cassy."

Castiel glared at Gordon and lifted himself up a bit. He still couldn't stand.. Sonny ushered Gordon inside, and Dean walked over to Cas, watching him in concern. "Hey, you okay, man?" he asked. "Looks like you hit your head pretty hard…"

Castiel's ego softened a bit at the boy's concern. "I'm fine," he insisted, but he winced as he sat up straighter, exposing the lie. "I have to get back up the tree. The birds…"

Dean reached out to help Castiel to his feet, not believing him for a second. "No way. You're not climbing up there again after that fall. You need to rest up, Cas."

"I don't need rest, I need to get this nest back in the tree."

Dean shook his head, eyeing Cas. "How 'bout you let me put the nest back, and then we'll grab you some ice. Lots of ice."

Cas smiled a bit. "Are you sure? It's the sixth branch up."

Dean scoffed, grinning. "Honestly I'm offended you'd even ask." Grabbing the nest carefully, he pulled himself up into the tree and started climbing higher and higher until he found what looked like the perfect place for the nest. Tucking it into the little nook, he smiled and climbed back down. "Done and done," he said. "Oh, and I'm Dean, by the way. I wanted to introduce myself personally, instead of as 'new kid.'" He smiled even wider and shook Castiel's hand. "Mind if I call you Cas?"

Meanwhile, Robin continued to watch from the porch as the boys started heading back inside. She couldn't help but admire the way Dean stood up for Castiel like that. And how he was being so kind to the boy. Honestly, it was _extremely _attractive. And Dean wasn't exactly hard on the eyes either, so that helped.

Despite Castiel's protests that he didn't need help (which were discredited when he almost fell over before grabbing onto Dean's shoulders), Dean wrapped an arm around the boy's waist and helped him inside. After Dean got Cas inside in one piece, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a few bags of frozen peas. He figured Sonny wouldn't mind. Then he helped Cas upstairs to the bathroom and found a first aid kit as Cas held the bags to his head and side.

"Sit," he told Cas, and Cas listened, trying not to think too much about how Dean's arm felt wrapped around his waist. Or how he looked when he smiled. Or his hair. Or the way his eyes lit up when he looked at him.

He hated himself every time his heart pounded just a little too fast.

Trying to distract himself from Dean's face, he turned his attention to the amulet around Dean's neck. "Nice amulet," he said quietly as Dean cleaned up the blood coming from his forehead.

Dean paused, instinctively reaching for the necklace Sam gave him. "Oh," he said, clearing his throat. Another reminder that he couldn't protect Sam, no matter how hard he tried. "Yeah… it was a gift." He frowned slightly, shaking his head to clear the thoughts of Sam.

"Cas, are you alright?"

Both of the boys jumped as Robin popped into the room, her blue eyes wide with concern.

"Uh, yes, I believe so," Cas said.

"That was so sweet how you saved those birds," she said, blushing. "Don't let Gordon get to you."

"I don't," Cas said gruffly.

Robin turned to look at Dean, then, and her blushed deepened. "It was sweet what you did, too…" she smiled shyly. "Standing up to Gordon like that."

Dean shrugged, smiling just a bit, and Cas couldn't help but watch him. Perhaps there was more to Dean than Cas had initially thought.

"It was nothing," Dean said, snapping Cas out of his thoughts. Cas shook his head, kicking himself mentally. _Stop staring. It isn't right. _"I just don't like guys who pick on people just 'cuz they can. I don't care how much your life sucks, you can't treat people like that."

Fishing the anti-bacterial spray and some gauze out of the first aid kid, Dean knelt down in front of where Cas was sitting on the edge of the tub. "This might sting," he told him, spraying the cuts across Castiel's head, collarbone, and arms. Cas swallowed hard but showed no sign of pain. It was nothing he wasn't used to.

Robin gently touched his knee, watching the boy carefully. "Castiel, you could always take him in a fight. You did before."

Cas looked up at her and shook his head. "No. I… that's not a good idea." After what had happened before… Well, Cas couldn't let that happen again. His father would… Cas closed his eyes. No. His dad had disowned him. What he thought shouldn't matter. Besides, Castiel didn't _want _to hurt anyone. Not again. Not even Gordon.

At the thought of his father, Castiel lost track of what was happening around him. He vaguely registered Dean and Robin talking softly to each other, but it didn't matter. He couldn't help but think of every lesson his dad had drilled into his mind… He was wrong. He was disgusting. He was a disgrace. And the way Dean's hands felt against his skin only made matters worse. It was distracting.

His father didn't understand. It wasn't that he liked girls or that he liked boys. He had dated a few girls in the past, April and Meg. But it wasn't their gender he was drawn to, it was their kindness and what he saw in their soul. According to his dad, it was far more important what was between a person's legs.

Personally, Cas thought it was more "Christian" to love someone for more than just sex, but that's not what his father had taught him. Man and woman. Anything else was a sin.

Castiel's stomach churned. He believed in his heart that what he felt was real and that it wasn't wrong, but he couldn't help but think of his father's words every time he noticed Dean's eyes and the way he smiled… and the way he had so gently put those birds back in the tree…

No. Cas didn't want to think about it. The thought made his skin crawl… or maybe it made him buzz. Either way, he decided right then that he would have to stay as far away from Dean Winchester as possible.

Breaking Cas out of his thoughts, Sonny came to stand in the doorway, asking how he was feeling. Gordon slipped in beside him and sneered at Cas.

"Got your boyfriend playing nurse, faggot? You kinky son of a-"

"Gordon," Sonny stopped him, and Cas glared at the boy.

"That's odd," Cas growled, "considering your idea of kinky involves drunk 14 year old girls."

"That's enough," Sonny said, louder, grabbing Gordon by the arm and leading him back to his room.

Dean frowned at Cas's words. "What-"

"It doesn't matter," Cas muttered, looking down at the floor.

His frown deepening in concern, Dean began cleaning one of the deeper cuts on Cas's cheek. He tried to meet the boy's eyes. "I take it you have quite the history. What'd he do to make you hate him so much? You know, besides being a generally shitty person."

Looking up from the floor, Cas eyed Dean curiously. He wasn't fazed by Gordon's harsh words or their implications. He was only worried about Cas. He really couldn't figure Dean out.

Robin stood and cleared her throat. "Well, I hope you feel better, Cas. My dad will be waiting for me at the diner. I'll tell Anna you said hi."

Cas looked up at her and smiled. "Thank you, Robin."

She blushed and smiled back at him, then coughed and turned to Dean. "Keep him out of trouble."

Dean winked. "'Course I will."

"I am very capable of handling myself," Cas said defensively, though he was secretly glad to have the light-hearted atmosphere return.

Robin rolled her eyes and gave him a knowing, affectionate smile. "Obviously. See ya, feel better." Cas nodded and Robin left.

Once she was gone and it was just Cas and Dean, neither of them spoke for a few moments. Dean's hand was frozen by Cas's forehead where he had been patching him up. The touch was one they both tried to ignore.

"Gordon is part of the reason I'm in here," Cas finally choked out, softly and hesitant.

"What do you mean by that?" Dean asked, leaning in close so he could see the wound better. Cas's heart skipped a beat and he inched back just a bit.

"Why don't you ask someone else? Everyone here knows the story," he whispered, only a little bitter.

"Because I'm asking you," Dean stated with a shrug. Pausing, he added, "I wanna get your side of the story, not some bullshit rumors."

Grabbing the band-aids from the first aid kit, Dean finished patching Cas up, but he didn't move away just yet.

Cas just shrugged. "Gordon's an ass, and I was stupid. That's really all there is to it."

He was stupid for letting Anna go out on her own. Stupid for losing his temper so impulsively. Stupid for thinking his dad cared. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Dean chuckled, and Cas felt his breath catch at the sound. "You know, I can see why most people get the dark, mysterious vibe from you. You're so… vague. I mean, it can't be _that _bad. I'd bet you a hundred bucks I've done worse."

Cas blushed when Dean called him 'dark and mysterious.' Was that really what people thought of him? Was that really what _Dean _thought of him? He decided not to dwell on the thought.

Dean noticed Cas seemed distracted. Or at least that he didn't feel like talking. Dean understood that.

"Hey, I'm sorry for prying," he back-tracked, clearing his throat and moving away from Cas just a little. "It's your story to tell, and you don't have to."

"It's alright," Cas assured him, missing the closeness for a moment and then immediately dismissing that thought. "It's not that I mind you knowing, I just don't like talking about it. Like I said, everyone here knows the story. You can ask them. I'm sure you won't hear it too differently."

Cas was a terrible liar, he knew that. And he didn't want to be the one to tell Dean that he had gotten drunk and done some stupid shit with Gordon, even if it wasn't true. But that was the story everyone but a select few believed. It was better that way. If anyone found out what really happened… well, he didn't know what would happen. But he had to keep Anna safe, even if that meant getting disowned by his family and being stuck in this place. As long as it wasn't Anna going through it.

Dean nodded, not quite believing Cas but deciding not to push it too much. "Well, whatever it was, I wouldn't think less of you for it. Anything that ends with Gordon getting his face kicked in is alright in my book." Smiling, he finished putting one last band-aid on Cas's forehead. "There. Good as new." Then, smirking a little, he said, "You know, you look pretty badass for someone who just fell out of a tree. Might get some nice battle scars."

Cas eyed him curiously. "I'm covered in band-aids. I'm not badass."

Dean laughed, genuine and bright, and Cas felt his cheeks flush. "Well it'll make you even more dark and mysterious, either way."

Cas laughed too, then winced when he felt a sharp pain in his ribs. He made a pained noise and groaned, "I think I'm going to be dark and mysterious in my bed, if you don't mind." Cas protested but ultimately gave in when Dean rushed to help him stand and walk down the hall. "Uh, thanks," he said. "For everything. And don't worry about Gordon. He's got me as a target and won't let me go, which is good. It means he spends less time hurting anyone else. I can handle him."

"Yeah, I'm sure you can," Dean said with only a hint of sarcasm. "But it never hurts to have someone that's got your back." Dean led him to a door and reached for the knob but Cas stopped him.

"Wrong room," he said quickly, grabbing Dean's hand on instinct. "That's Gordon's room. Don't go in there. Ever."

Dean nodded, swallowing thickly as he felt warmth spread from where Cas touched him. "Good to know." They continued walking to their room, and Dean helped Cas to his bed before sitting down on his own. "Get some rest," he told Cas. "You've earned it, hero."

Cas smiled at him, though he was both thrilled and panicked when he realized that Dean's bed was right next to his. It was obvious he had formed some kind of attraction to Dean, and it needed to be quelled. But… Cas swallowed.

_No, no, no, no, no. _

Gritting his teeth to keep from groaning in pain, Cas gingerly hooked a thumb into the back of the neckline on his dirty t-shirt. He brought it over his head and tossed it into his laundry basket before replacing it with an old, loose-fitting black t-shirt.

He didn't miss the way Dean stared at him for just a fraction of a second when he took his shirt off. He couldn't help but feel… something when he saw the look on Dean's face.

He laid down on his back, crossing his arms behind his head despite the soreness in his muscles. He stared at the ceiling as he spoke. "So, what stupid thing really got you stuck in here, Dean Winchester? I get the feeling it was more than punching a cop."

Dean had busied himself with his pocket knife and the wooden bed posts, carving protective symbols into each one. He startled when Cas spoke, trying to pretend he wasn't just distracting himself from the very distracting image of Cas with no shirt.

"I… I stole some food for me and my brother," he said, clearing his throat when his voice came out barely more than a whisper.

Cas looked over at him, baffled. "Then it is stupid. That you were put in here, I mean. That's no crime."

His attention was drawn to what Dean was carving and he eyed the boy suspiciously.

_Whoa, Novak, _he thought. _Way to have a thing for the devil worship boy. Dad would be so proud. _

Dean smiled a little. "I agree." Anything that was helping his brother couldn't be bad, not in his eyes. Noticing the look on Cas's face, Dean's eyes widened. "Oh, no this isn't… It's just… It's protection," he tried to say, heart pounding. How could he explain this away? "It's a… family thing. I guess. I swear I don't worship the devil or anything like that. The exact opposite, actually."

Cas blinked, slightly relieved. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, immediately regretting the quick movement, and carefully swung his legs over so he was facing Dean. He leaned in closer to get a better look at the carvings. "Huh," he said. "These are… really intense anti-demonic Latin symbols. Where did you learn these?"

"My dad," he answered, heart clenching at the reminder. "He's… paranoid," he lied. "I guess I'm a little paranoid, too."

Cas wasn't sure what to make of that, but before he could say anything, the other three boys walked into the room. Benny nodded at Cas.

"You doin' alright there, chief?"

Cas nodded, his expression becoming more guarded when the other boys entered. Chuck flopped down on his bed, taking a draw of his inhaler. Benny and Ash grabbed some plastic straws and started shooting spit wads at each other from across the room.

Dean was disappointed when Cas closed off in the presence of the other boys, but he understood. Even as he mourned Cas's open expression, he felt himself rebuilding his own walls.

As the two of them fell quiet again, Dean couldn't help but wonder about Cas's past with Gordon. Was it really that bad? Maybe he would ask one of the other boys after all. For now, though, he decided to try for some sleep. But between Benny arguing with Chuck over his fantasy romance supernatural novel ("Why would vampires kill for sport? That's a waste of perfectly good food!"), and Cas humming softly to himself, and thoughts of Sam…

Well, he wasn't gonna be getting any sleep tonight.

Snatching his jacket off the floor, Dean pulled out a small picture of him and his brother, curling up on his side and starting at the faded photograph. He frowned. What was he thinking, trying to make friends here? Obviously he couldn't stay. He had to get back to his brother. He had to keep him safe, like always. It didn't matter that his dad didn't want him around anymore. All that mattered was that Sam was okay.

He had made his decision. He waited for the others to fall asleep and for the sun to set, then grabbed his jacket and started for the door.

Cas's eyes snapped open when he heard the door open, looking over just in time to watch Dean slip out. He wanted to stop him… but no. This was a good thing. Cas's feelings for Dean would only lead to more problems, so Cas let him go, as much as it hurt.

He tensed, however, when he heard another door open further down the hall, and Cas knew exactly where it was coming from. Cas cursed and slipped out of bed, heading down the stairs as quickly and quietly as he could.

Dean hadn't thought it would be this easy to sneak out, but he wasn't complaining. He slipped out the front door, hopping off the porch without looking back.

He didn't hear the footsteps behind him until it was too late.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Apple Pie Life

Gordon couldn't believe it. How stupid could that little bitch be? Going outside in the middle of the night, all by himself. Just like his little sister.

Cas was gonna get what he deserved. Everyone would finally see him for what he was… a coward.

Anger bubbling up at the thought, Gordon picked up the pace and grabbed the boy by the shoulder, shoving him roughly to the ground and kicking him in the side. Again, then again.

Dean groaned, pain searing through his chest, and tried to pull himself up, to defend himself.

"Wait, you're not bird boy," the other boy said, and Dean realized it was Gordon. Then, with smugness in his tone, "Oh well, just as well I kick the shit out of you." And he was about to do just that when he suddenly hit the ground hard, groaning. "What the-"

"Stay the fuck away from him," Cas growled, punching Gordon hard across the face. He resisted the urge to just keep hitting him, pulling himself to his feet and shaking out his hand. "Touch him, or _anyone else _again and I'll blind you."

Gordon looked up at Castiel, seeing darkness in his eyes he hadn't seen since that night at the party. He spit out a mouthful of blood and scrambled to his feet, backing away. "Jesus… This isn't over, Castiel. I swear to God this isn't over." He ran back to the house, and Cas stared after him, making sure he was gone. Without turning around, Cas spoke. "Are you alright?"

"Cas," Dean spoke up. He sat up, grunting in pain. "Yeah, I… I'm okay, I think. What the hell-"

"You can go if you want," Cas said, still not looking at him. He closed his eyes and looked to the ground, heart sinking. Dean had seen the darkness, the _brokenness _in him, and there was no way he wouldn't run scared after that.

"No," Dean told him, bringing himself to his feet. "I'm not going anywhere."

Cas still didn't look at him, he couldn't. He shook out his hand again and headed towards the house, and Dean stared after him, trying to figure out what just happened. Why had Gordon tried to kill him? He must have thought he was Cas, but then why would he try to kill Cas? Wasn't knocking him out of a tree enough? What the _hell _had happened between those two? Why was Cas here in the first place?

Dean couldn't figure it out. One minute Cas is talking to him and he's kind and soft and you'd never imagine he even knew how to throw a punch. And the next, he's scaring Gordon shitless with one good right hook. It didn't make sense. One thing Dean knew for sure, though…

He wasn't leaving until he learned everything there was to know about Castiel.

…

Dean couldn't sleep that night. The pain in his ribs wasn't what bothered him (he was used to pain, and he could tell nothing was broken). But he couldn't shut his brain off.

For the first time in a long time, though, it wasn't Sam he was thinking about. He felt kinda guilty for that, but he couldn't help but let his interest in Cas grow. Sure the boy was attractive, there was no doubt about that, but it was more than that. Dean saw a sort of deep pain in him, but instead of letting that pain make him cruel, he was kind. He protected people who couldn't protect themselves. But he also saw darkness. Or the potential for darkness. It was the same darkness he saw in himself.

He thought in circles until the sun peeked in through the window. When Sonny came in the room to wake the boys for breakfast, he pretended he'd only just woken up. "How was your first night, Dean?"

Dean looked at Sonny for a moment, trying to decide how to answer that. "It was fine," he said vaguely. "I, uh… I was thinking…"

"Uh huh?"

"I… I might, maybe, think about staying. Just for a little while. No big deal or anything. Just until my dad comes back." Dean averted his eyes to hide the vulnerability he knew was there. Still, he could feel Sonny's warm smile and he couldn't help but smile a bit himself.

"Happy to have ya, Dean. You're welcome to stay just as long as you'd like."

Dean nodded, climbing out of bed and looking down at himself. He was in the same clothes as yesterday- the only clothes he had with him.

"Check the bottom drawer by your bed," Sonny told him, folding his arms over his chest and leaning against the doorframe. "Hope they're a good fit for ya."

Dean frowned curiously and opened the drawer. His jaw dropped slightly at what he saw. Fresh clothes. Jeans, t-shirts, a couple button-ups, even a couple sweaters. "This… This is mine? Seriously?"

"Seriously," Sonny said with a smile. "If you're gonna stay you're gonna need something to wear."

"I…" Dean didn't know what to say. He couldn't seem to get the words out of his mouth.

"Don't even mention it, son." With that, Sonny clapped his hands. "Alright, rise and shine boys! It's Sunday so you know what that means! Get your chores done and then we're helping Ruth at the church."

Scattered groans of protest erupted from the other boys, but Dean couldn't help the way his lips twitched up in a small smile. He had a room, albeit a shared one. He had new clothes, he had a bed that was _his_, he had _chores. _It was so… normal. He never thought he could have anything close to normal. Maybe this was his chance at that apple pie life he'd always been too scared to even think of.

(Okay, so maybe he'd thought about it a lot. But his dad could never know that.)

Dean changed into some clean clothes, jeans and a black t-shirt with a light blue button-up over the top. He could see bruises forming on his side, but it didn't hurt too bad. He checked the top drawer and saw a fresh toothbrush; he snatched it up and all but bolted for the bathroom.

Downstairs, Sonny had breakfast ready for the boys, eggs and bacon and toast with jam. It was like a dream. "So Dean, Cas," Benny said, after Sonny walked out the front door and sat on the porch to eat his breakfast. "I heard you two up late last night. Something you wanna share with the class?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows at the two of them.

Dean scoffed. "Wouldn't you like to know, pervert?"

Benny's face paled and Dean smirked. "I-I, no, I just meant-"

"Oh shut up before you hurt yourself, idiot," Ash said. "No way they left the house after lights out, Sonny wouldn't have that shit. You're imagining things."

Benny huffed and glared at Ash. "I'm no idiot."

"Could've fooled me."

"Now now, ladies, no need to fight" Chuck said, holding back laughter. "You're both idiots."

Ash and Benny both erupted in indignant shouting at once, and Dean glanced at Cas with an amused look. His smile fell when Cas wouldn't look at him. He was staring at his food, eating in silence. Dean sighed. He knew why Cas was being distant but he wished he could tell him that he didn't have to be. Not with him. If anyone could understand that darkness…

"Dean, what do you think?" Ash asked, and Dean hadn't been paying attention to what he was supposed to have an opinion about.

"Uh… yeah Benny's right, you're definitely an idiot."

Benny and Chuck busted out laughing and Ash glared. "I hate you all, ya know that? I'm gonna get into MIT and then you won't be laughing."

They all went silent when Gordon entered the room, grabbing a plate of food and leaving without a word.

"Damn, did you see that shiner?" Ash whispered. "Looks like someone beat his ass."

"It's about damn time," Benny grumbled. Chuck made a noise of agreement, mouth full of food.

"Well whoever did it, I'd shake his hand," Dean spoke up, not looking up from his food. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cas glance at him. He took that as a win.

"Alright boys, everyone finished? Let's get movin'," Sonny said, coming back into the kitchen. "Everyone knows their assignments."

The boys nodded, all muttering "Yes, sir," and putting their dishes in the sink.

"Dean, can I speak to you? Cas, you too, son."

Dean looked at Sonny, a moment of fear washing over him. Did he know that he'd snuck out? Was he going to kick him out? Turn him over to the cops and then social services? He'd never see Sammy again…

"Relax, son, no one's in trouble," Sonny said, chuckling softly. "You two wouldn't happen to know what happened to Gordon's eye, would you?"

Dean looked at Cas, then back at Sonny, opening his mouth-

"It was me, sir," Cas said, and Dean coughed. "I, uh… I went out to get some fresh air. He followed me. I thought he was going to hurt me."

Sonny nodded, looking between the boys and not entirely believing him. He saw the way Dean winced when he stood up, saw the way he held his side. "Well, thank god he didn't," he told them. "Dean, how 'bout you clean up the dishes? Then we can talk about getting you signed up for school."

Dean's eyes widened. He hadn't been to school in over a year. Between looking out for Sammy and helping dad with hunts, he didn't see much point. And yet, when Sonny mentioned the idea, he couldn't think of anything that would make him happier. Apple pie life.

"Uh, yes sir. I'd like that."

Sonny smiled and nodded, leaving the room again and heading outside.

Dean looked at Cas, who wouldn't look back.

"Thanks," he said, and Cas nodded and left the house as well. Dean frowned. "Alright then."

…

Cas didn't understand Dean. Why was he still here? Why was he still trying to be close to Cas? Why did he care? After what he'd done, how could Dean even look at him?

Maybe Dean wasn't like the others. Maybe he didn't think he was a monster. Maybe…

No, that was crazy. No one ever looked at him the same way after they found out. No one except…

"Hey, Cassie."

"Oh my god, Cas! Robin told me what happened, are you okay? Do you need me to destroy someone?"

Cas smiled, genuinely smiled, when he saw his friends walking towards Sonny's porch.

"Charlie, Balthazar," he said, grinning as they both grabbed him into a hug. "No, I'm fine, I promise. You know I can handle Gordon."

"Doesn't make me wanna kick his ass any less, though," Balthazar told him.

"Yeah, I know," Cas laughed. "That's why you're my best friend."

"Ahem," Charlie said, hands on her hips. "Standing right here, Cas. My dear beloved friend who I love so much."

Cas laughed and shook his head at her. "You know I love you, Charlie."

She smiled, satisfied. "I know. And _you _know I have to give you shit."

"So," Balthazar said, slinging his arm over Cas's shoulders and leading him off the porch. "I was thinking. Now that you're here and good old dad isn't around to get all high and mighty on me, I was thinking we should go out. Ya know, have some _fun." _

"I don't know," Cas said skeptically. "Last time we had _fun, _I threw up like 3 times and woke up wearing one of Charlie's bras."

Balthazar laughed. "See? _Fun." _

Cas rolled his eyes. "Fine. But I have to do my chores first. Then the other boys are going to help out at the church so we can meet up." Sonny never made Cas help them at the church, considering his… situation. It hadn't ended well the first time, and Sonny never pushed it after that.

"Perfect!" Charlie said brightly, clapping her hands together and jumping a little as they walked. "So, there's this new bowling alley. There's a bar and they couldn't spot a fake ID if it had their own name on it. Also, their mozzarella sticks are to die for."

Cas scrunched his face. "I said I would never drink again and I meant it. But I do like mozzarella sticks."

"You're such a party pooper," Charlie pouted. "But fine. As long as we can hang out. I miss you guys."

Balthazar nodded in agreement. "It's been too long. So, we'll see ya later, yeah Cassie?"

"Yeah, see you later," Cas said, smiling at Balthazar and giving him a hug before heading off to mow the lawn in the back yard.

Balthazar watched him go, folding his arms over his chest and smiling. He really did miss his best friend. He hadn't seen him almost all summer, and he hadn't seen him at all since that night…

He caught a glimpse of Gordon walking out of the house and he saw red. He started marching towards him but Charlie grabbed him.

"Bal," Charlie said with a cautionary tone. "Don't. It's over. Cas has accepted it, it's time for you to do the same. There's no sense in you getting in trouble too. That's exactly what Cas was trying to avoid."

"That motherfucker," Balthazar growled. "This is his fault. And Anna… that son of a bitch hurt Anna."

"I know," Charlie said, and her heart hurt at the reminder. "But there's nothing you can do."  
"I can kick his face in."

"And what good would that do?"

Balthazar fought against her hold for a few seconds more before groaning in frustration and giving in. "You're right. I know you're right. It's just every time I see him…"

"Me too," Charlie told him. "Me too."

Nodding and turning to face her, Balthazar sighed. "Let's go before I do something stupid like rip his fucking arms off."

They left Sonny's, and Gordon watched them leave with a smirk. They couldn't do anything anymore than Cas could.

"So Dean," Sonny started as Dean finished washing the dishes. "School is starting in a week, so there's not a lot of time, but I know a few people who can make sure you get started on time. Tenth grade, right?"

Dean nodded, drying his hands and pulling at his sleeves nervously. "Yeah, I think so."

"You think so? What does that mean?" Sonny asked, concerned.

"Nothing," Dean said quickly. "Nothing at all. Tenth grade, sir."

Eyeing Dean curiously, Sonny sighed and nodded. "Alright then. Well we can go down to the school tomorrow and get it all sorted out. For today, You can help us clean the church after the sermon."

"Yes sir," Dean nodded.

Suddenly the reality of going back to school hit him. He'd be so behind. He didn't even know what he had missed. He'd missed almost all of his first year of high school. How could he even begin to explain that to Sonny?

This was his chance at a normal, apple pie life. He wasn't going to ruin it by opening a social services investigation into his past.

Once all the boys had finished their chores, Sonny loaded them up into his truck. Dean noticed that Gordon and Cas weren't with them. He couldn't help but wonder why that was. Sonny drove them to the church and it all seemed pretty normal to Dean, so why wasn't Cas there? Dean guessed he had some sort of thing against religion. He could understand that.

"Hey, Ruth," Sonny said, hopping out of the truck and greeting the woman. "Where do you want us?"

Ruth smiled and led the boys inside, showing them where the cleaning supplies were and then joining Sonny in the foyer. "What do you make of Dean?" she asked.

"I think he's a good kid," Sonny said honestly. "Troubled and guarded as a military base, but a good kid. I think he's got one hell of a past but I don't wanna scare him away. I think this is the first time he's ever had a real home."

Ruth nodded sadly. "Poor boy. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you, Sonny. I know how hard you try for these boys."

"No way am I letting any of them slip through the cracks. If I would'a had someone there to help me, I wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble back in the day. All they need is someone to believe in them."

...

Back at Sonny's house, Cas put on one of his good shirts, slipped on some jeans, and combed his hair so it wasn't sticking out quite so much. Balthazar said it looked better when it was a little messy, but Cas thought he looked homeless. Although, he supposed he technically was…

No. Tonight was about having fun with his friends. He wasn't going to think about that.

He heard a knock on the door and bounded down the steps excitedly, only to be met with Gordon at the bottom. He frowned and stepped back. "Get out of the way, Gordon. Don't you know when to quit?"

"You took me by surprise last night, Castiel," Gordon said calmly, and somehow that tone was scarier than when he was yelling. "That won't happen again. I swore I'd kill you for what you did. And you know I'm a man of my word. Just like I promised your sister I'd give her a night she'd never forget."

Cas stepped forward and shoved his chest. "Don't you speak of her!" he growled. "Don't you ever say her name!"

"Hey!" Balthazar came through the door and grabbed Gordon, shoving him away from Cas. "Get the fuck away from him, you son of a bitch!"

"Bal-"

"I could kill you for what you did to Anna," Balthazar growled, getting in Gordon's face.

Gordon smirked, keeping calm. "Do it, then. If you're so much better than me."

"Oh fuck off-"

"Balthazar," Charlie cut in, grabbing his arm. "That's enough. Let's just go."

"Charlie's right," Cas said quietly. "Let's go. He's not worth it."

"Yeah, you should go," Gordon said, smiling smugly. "Listen to your friends, _Bal-"_

Balthazar swung his fist, right into Gordon's jaw. Gordon stumbled back a bit, then looked back at him, holding his hand up to his bleeding lip. And the son of a bitch had the nerve to laugh.

"Touching," he said. "Cassie, looks like you've got two heroes coming to your rescue. How pathetic."

"Let's _go," _Charlie told them, grabbing both of them by the arm. "I need a drink."

The three of them didn't say a word on the way to the bowling alley. Even then, Charlie only spoke to tell the cashier they wanted one round of bowling for the three of them. And to order three beers.

They sat at the bowling lane, no one moving to start the game right away. For a few minutes no one spoke, until Cas broke the silence.

"The only reason I'm okay with staying at Sonny's… the only reason I can handle seeing Gordon's face every day… is because I know you guys are safe. You, Anna… you three are the only reason any of this is bearable. I can't let any of you get in trouble for my mistakes." He paused, looking at Balthazar. "What if Gordon went to the cops? The only reason he didn't is because they'd figure out what he did, but he still could… You shouldn't push him. It's not worth the risk. It could all come back to you. And back to Anna."

Balthazar had been sitting slouched over, hands clasped and elbows resting on his legs as he practically vibrated with rage. He looked at Cas and tried to calm his breathing. "What he did to you, Cas… What he did to Anna… I think about it every day. You're right, I know that, but I can't… I can't help but lose it when I see him."

"Let me handle him," Cas said. "Please. I can watch him, make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else. Please, promise me you'll let me handle it."

Balthazar clicked his tongue and laughed cynically, looking up at the ceiling and then down at the floor. "Fine. I promise…" He paused, looking up at Cas. "For Anna."

Cas nodded. "For Anna," he agreed.

Charlie stood up, bouncing over to the podium that controlled the scoreboard. "Great! Now that that's all cleared up, let's bowl!"

The boys laughed, watching her with amusement. "And more importantly, let's drink," Balthazar said, lifting his beer bottle up and taking a swig.

Cas grimaced and picked up a bottle, looking at it as if it had offended him in some way. "Alright, but just one."

Balthazar whistled. "Hell yeah, Cassie. Hell yeah."

…

When Sonny pulled up in front of the house, the four boys hopped out and headed inside. "Dinner in fifteen minutes!" Sonny called out.

Dean headed straight for the bedroom. He hoped Cas would be there, and was both confused and disappointed when he didn't see him. About five minutes later, after Chuck had joined him in the room, Dean heard a noise outside the window. "What the hell?" he muttered, standing up and going to check it out.

He looked out the window and saw Cas struggling to climb up to the ledge. "Cas? What the hell are you doing?"

Cas smiled, face flushed. "Don't tell Sonny. Help me up?"

Dean looked at him like he was crazy. No, not crazy. Was Cas _drunk? _Dean laughed in disbelief and reached out to grab Cas's hand. "Alright, let's get you inside."

"Dean," Cas said, groaning softly as he fell into the window and onto the floor. Chuck looked at them oddly but didn't say anything.

"Yeah, Cas?" Dean said, chuckling in amusement and helping Cas to his feet.

"Thank you," Cas mumbled. "Dean, I want to say sorry. I've been a jerk."

Dean shook his head. "Don't sweat it. You don't even know me. No need to be sorry."

"But you're so nice to me," Cas argued, grabbing his arm, and Dean watched his hand as his mouth fell open just a bit. "You're so nice and you helped me and I was a jerk."

Dean looked up at him again, not sure what to say. He shook his head and helped Cas stumble over to his bed. "Come on, you're drunk. Let's get you in some clean and… not puke-covered clothes. What do ya say?"

Cas frowned. "Do I smell like puke? Oh, shit, I'm sorry, that's gross."

Dean huffed out a laugh. "Hey, it's alright, just get changed. I'll get you some water."

Dean headed downstairs to grab a glass of water, then hurried back upstairs. When he came back, Cas was lying on his bed in nothing but a pair of sweatpants. Dean's face flushed and he set the water on the nightstand. "Uh, here ya go," he said gruffly. "That should help."

Dean looked over at Chuck who was just reading a book. Dean hoped he wouldn't say anything.

"Mm, thank you, Dean," Cas said. "Hey, Dean?"

Smiling, Dean answered, "Yeah, Cas?"

"I'm glad you didn't leave."

Dean swallowed, frozen again for a moment. Why did he find it so hard to make words when Cas was around? He was usually all smooth and cool and collected. But Cas was different somehow.

"Yeah, uh… me too. Thanks for saving my ass."

Cas laughed. "You said ass," he muttered, bursting into more giggles.

Dean rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help but smile. "Jesus, you're drunk. Drink some water and get some sleep."

"Yes sir!" Cas saluted sloppily, giggling again. He suddenly stopped, looking over at Dean seriously with his eyes wide. "Dean. Why are you so nice to me?"

Dean hesitated. He didn't really know, if he was being honest with himself. Sure, he saw a bit of himself in Cas and he didn't like when people kicked others around just because they could. But it felt like more than that. And Dean thought it might have something to do with how he felt every time he saw Cas smile or anytime Cas touched him, but he couldn't exactly say that.

"I dunno," he told Cas, shrugging. "I guess I just like you more than the rest of these idiots," he added with a smirk, nodding his head towards Chuck.

Cas smiled, a bit disappointed. "Okay," he said softly. "Goodnight, Dean."

"'Night, Cas."

Dean watched Cas for a moment after he closed his eyes, then stood and headed downstairs for dinner. He knew it was stupid to get attached, but… he couldn't seem to help it. Cas had some sort of effect on him and he'd never experienced anything like it before. Sure, he was attractive and nice and funny and smart, but Dean didn't get it. His first instinct had always been to close off, build up walls, lie, stay safe. But with Cas he struggled to do that. He wanted to tell him all sorts of stuff about his life and why he was really here, but he knew he couldn't. He could never tell anyone.

Then again, his dad wasn't around anymore. He left. So what did it matter if Dean told someone? What did it matter what his dad thought of it? It didn't matter, Dean decided. And what the hell, if he was gonna have an apple pie life, that involved caring about people right? Getting attached, making friends, finding someone who would understand and wouldn't leave him when they found out the truth. He wanted it. He wanted it more than he could even admit to himself.

So maybe he would tell Cas. Or Robin. Or Sonny. Or _someone. _Maybe he would do whatever the hell he wanted because it wasn't like anyone cared enough to stop him.

…

Exactly one week later, it was time for the first day of school. Dean's enthusiasm for letting people in had dimmed somewhat, considering Cas had barely said a word to him since the night he got drunk. But he was still excited for this fresh start. _Apple pie. _

Cas was excited for school to start, too. He hadn't seen his friends hardly at all in almost four months, and school meant he would see them every day. That was enough to send him to school with a beaming smile on his face.

"Hey Dean, hey Cas," Robin greeted them at the door where she was handing out fliers for the homecoming game. She was class president this year. Smiling brightly, she told them, "You should definitely come see the game! It's gonna be a good one this year."

"Thanks, Robin," Dean said with a flirtatious smile. "If you'll be there, I'm in."

Cas felt his stomach ache at Dean's words, though he refused to acknowledge why that was. "Yeah, thank you, Robin. Charlie loves these games."

"Oh, remember how crazy she went last year?" Robin laughed. "She painted her whole face bright blue. You and Balthazar ended up in the school newspaper just for sitting next to her."

Cas smiled. "That feels like forever ago." Robin nodded, smiling softly at him. "I'll see you later, Robin. Thanks for the flier."

"See ya around." Dean winked at her, grinning as he left. She blushed a deep red.

Dean and Cas meant to part ways for class, before realizing they were walking the same way. They both laughed awkwardly.

"Cassie!"

Thankfully for Cas, Charlie and Balthazar saved him from the awkwardness, grabbing him by each of his arms and walking him the rest of the way to class.

"Who's that?" Charlie asked, nudging him knowingly.

Cas blushed. "No one. His name is Dean, he's the new kid at Sonny's. He's… nice."

"He's _cute," _Charlie corrected. "I mean, not my type, but I'm not blind."

"He's not that cute," Balthazar mumbled.

Cas blushed. "I mean I guess…"

Charlie laughed and patted his arm. "Just teasing, Cassie."

They reached their classroom and sat down in a corner all together. This teacher never made assigned seats. Cas noticed Dean walk in and head directly for the back corner. He felt kinda bad for ditching him but he reminded himself that distance was for the best. He couldn't get attached. Even if Charlie was right about him being cute…

"Cassie? Hello, earth to Cas?"

"Huh?"

Charlie and Balthazar laughed. "You alright there?" Balthazar asked.

Cas cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm okay. What did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted to make a study group," Charlie said. "It'll be an excuse to hang out and as an added bonus I won't fail trigonometry."

Cas laughed. "Yeah, sure."

Charlie looked at him grimly. "I'm completely serious."

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "Cas has been doing trig for like three years. He won't let you fail."

"Exactly," Cas agreed.

Dean watched Cas and his friends from the back of the room, trying to quell the jealousy he felt. He couldn't deny that it hurt that Cas still wouldn't talk to him. And seeing him so happy and open with his friends made Dean long to have that with Cas.

His disappointment was momentarily forgotten when he saw Robin walk in. He hoped she would sit close to him so he could focus on her instead of worrying so much about why Cas wasn't talking to him.

He saw her looking at Cas and his friends and smile at them, but luckily for Dean the seats closest to them had already been taken. She took a seat a few rows behind them, and that just so happened to mean she was sitting right in front of Dean. She was obviously still trying to be close to Cas, but Dean could work with that.

_Apple pie life, here I come, _he thought, offering his best charming smile and "dropping his pencil" on the floor next to Robin. It was a cheap move but effective.

"Hey, Robin," he said, catching her attention. She turned to look at him, and despite her obvious feelings for Cas, Dean could tell she wasn't completely immune to his charms. "I, uh, dropped my pencil. Mind grabbing it for me?"

She eyed him, not believing the awful pick up line for a second. "Sure," she said, deciding to indulge him anyways. She leaned down the grab his pencil, smiling when he leaned in close to grab it from her.

"Thanks," he said, just a few inches from her face, and she blushed.

"Anytime," she said softly. She turned back to the front as the teacher entered the room, but Dean counted that as a win.

Flirting, cheesy pick up lines, high school crushes… Dean was _killing _this whole normal thing.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean had decided to take a stab at playing it cool with Cas. Maybe if he gave the boy space and stopped with the longing doe eyes Cas would eventually come around. Playing hard to get had worked for him before, maybe it could help him out here too.

Only problem was Cas was playing it cool right back at him. And doing a much better job of it. Dean realized that was mostly because Cas had friends to distract him and make him seem less lonely. Maybe Dean just needed to make some friends. And he knew just who the perfect candidates were.

After third hour, Dean was actually excited to get to lunch. He did, however, pause for a moment when a bulletin board caught his eye.

_Wrestling Try-Outs: All weight classes welcome!_

"Wrestling, huh," he murmured to himself as he considered the flier. He smiled. School sports try-outs. Now _that _was normal.

"Thinking of trying out?"

Dean jumped, turning around and relaxing when he saw Robin standing there, a couple of notebooks held to her chest.

"Uh, yeah, thinkin' about it," Dean told her, smiling. "Why, did you wanna come see me try out?"

Robin blushed. "Um… I mean, I'm class vice president, I uh… I _should _be at all the major school events…"

"Sounds like a yes to me," Dean grinned. She bit her lip and turned to walk towards the lunch room.

"I'll think about it," she said as she turned her back, and Dean could hear the smile in her voice.

He laughed softly. "I've still got it."

Smiling, Dean made his way to the cafeteria and looked around. He saw Benny and the other boys from Sonny's waving him over, and he crossed the room with an honest-to-god smile.

"Newbie!" Benny grinned, clapping Dean on the shoulder. "Glad you decided to join us. Ash was just telling us about his process. Ya know, it's a miracle he gets his hair to be so majestic every day. I'm jealous."

Dean huffed out a laugh as he sat down next to Chuck, deciding to play along. "Oh yeah, I mean I've always wanted my hair to look like that. I just…" Dean pursed his lips and shook his head, fighting laughter. "I couldn't pull it off like you do."

"I'm thinking of writing one of my characters with a mullet," Chuck chimed in. "As sort of a tribute. To the hair."

Benny, Dean, and Chuck burst out laughing and Ash stared at them deadly. "Ya'll are a bunch of assholes, anyone ever tell ya that?" He flipped his hair behind his shoulder. "You know you're jealous. All business in the front… Party in the back." To accentuate his point, he flipped his head to one side and then the other, showing off his luscious locks. The other boys erupted in howling laughter again.

"So Dean," Chuck said, once they could all stop giggling. "How's your first day going?'

Dean grimaced. "Oh, it's going just great," he told them. "I love having the whole school stare at me everywhere I go. Like I'm some freak or something."

"Oh, it's nothing like that," Ash told him, waving a hand. "Nah, they're just not used to seeing new people. Small town and all that."

That did make Dean feel a little better, but he still didn't feel great when he realized that Cas had been staring too. And based on how Cas had been ignoring him, Dean guessed it wasn't the good kind of staring.

"So, this homecoming game," Dean changed the subject. "Is it worth seeing?"

"Oh, there's something worth seeing, but it ain't the jerks throwing a ball around," Benny said, waggling his eyebrows. Ash and Chuck looked at him blankly. His eyes widened and he shrugged, looking at them like they were crazy. "Cheerleaders. I'm talking about the cheerleaders."

"Ohhhhhh," they both said in realization. Dean laughed. It actually felt really good just talking to boys his age like a normal teenage boy.

"What about the student council? They have to be there too, right?" Dean asked.

Ash looked at him. "You mean Robin? Honestly, dude, give it up."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure she's interested," Dean smirked. "I told her I was trying out for the wrestling team and she said she'd come watch."

Benny and Ash busted out laughing. "Dude!"

Dean frowned. "What?"

"Oh my god, she only goes to those try-outs to see Cas!" Ash told him, patting him on the shoulder and giving him a sad look. "Sorry, man. She's not interested."

Dean began to shake his head, then his jaw dropped when he processed what Ash had said. "Wait, Cas? He's on the wrestling team?"

Benny smirked at him. "Oh yeah. Best one they've got."

Dean felt his face heat up a bit. "Oh. Well, uh, maybe once Robin sees me out there it'll change her mind."

"Yeah alright, lover boy," Ash scoffed. "Keep tellin' yourself that."

The boys went back to talking about cheerleaders but Dean's thoughts wandered elsewhere. He had already been considering trying out for the wrestling team, but now that he knew Cas would be there? Well, this could be his chance to finally have a proper conversation with the boy. Screw playing it cool. He at least wanted to thank him for stopping Gordon from beating the shit out of him. Sure, he could've handled him, but he would've ended up with more than a bruised rib.

Yeah, it was decided. He was _definitely _trying out for the team.

* * *

Despite Dean's plan to get Cas to talk to him, he knew it had to keep his distance until try-outs. He didn't want to push too hard or he was afraid he might ruin everything.

So he decided to keep trying for normal, and he actually found himself enjoying hanging out with the boys from Sonny's. He'd never really had any real friends before, at least not outside of the hunting world. Sure he loved Bobby and some of the others like family, but no one ever talked about anything _normal. _Sure Dean loved hunting with his dad, but maybe he only thought that because he'd never seen what anything normal looked like. Maybe… maybe his dad was wrong to keep him from that.

Dean shook his head, clearing that thought right out. No. His dad was a hero and he did his best. He truly believed that. Still… until his dad came back for him, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, right?

Pushing thoughts of his dad away, Dean found his way to his last class. He was late because the office screwed up his schedule somehow, and this was the only class with an opening. "Sorry I'm late…" Dean trailed off, noticing Cas sitting in the back of the room. He gulped and looked at the teacher. "Last minute schedule change," he finished.

The teacher nodded and gestured to an empty seat in the back of the room… right next to Cas. _Oh great, _he thought. _How the hell am I gonna play it cool when he's sitting right next to me?_

Cas was relieved to have made it to his last class mostly without incident. He hadn't seen Dean since lunch which made ignoring him a little easier. And he had his last class with Balthazar so that was a plus. They didn't get to sit next to each other thanks to the seating chart, but it was still comforting to have him close.

Cas was marking and organizing his notebook to get ready for some hardcore note-taking when he heard a deep voice from the front of the classroom. His eyes widened and he looked up. Ignoring Dean just got a hell of a lot harder.

"Howdy," Dean greeted him in a low voice, offering an uncomfortable smile and taking a seat next to Cas.

"Hello, Dean," Cas said politely. He wasn't one to be _completely _rude. Not when Dean was speaking directly to him. Still, that didn't mean he had to keep up a conversation. If they talked Cas was worried his feelings would spiral out of control and he couldn't risk that.

"Looks like we're lab partners," Dean pointed out the obvious, setting his bag on the floor and looking over at Cas.

"It looks that way, yes," Cas nodded.

"I'm, uh… not too bad at chemistry," Dean told him, lips quirking up in a half smile. "So you don't have to worry."

"Shh!"

They glanced at the teacher and apologized quietly, lowering their voices to a whisper.

Cas finally looked at him, and his throat felt so thick he didn't think he could speak. "I…" he cleared his throat and forced himself to make eye contact. "Dean, you don't have to…"

"What?" Dean frowned. What had he done wrong this time? "I just figure if we're gonna see each other at school… Well, it's kinda hard to avoid me completely. We live in the same house for crying out loud."

"Dean, I'm not-"

Dean's temper flared. He'd had enough of this. Cas could ignore him and freeze him out and refuse to talk at Sonny's but lying to Dean's face? Hell no.

"Cut the crap, Cas," Dean snapped, trying to breathe so he didn't lose it completely. He was trying to keep his voice at a whisper but it was growing difficult. The teacher was glaring at him from his desk. They had been told to work quietly together on the lab sheet but neither of them could focus on that. "I know you've been avoiding me this whole week. I'm not an idiot."

Cas sighed, looking away again, ashamed. "You're right. I'm sorry. It's just…"

"What? What is it, Cas? 'Cuz I don't know what the hell I did wrong." Dean shifted uncomfortably but didn't look away from Cas. He was begging him to tell him what he did so he could fix it. He didn't understand.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Dean," Cas said after what felt like a lifetime, so quiet that Dean wasn't even sure he heard him correctly. "I just don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me."

Dean eyed him carefully. He figured he was talking about Gordon. And Dean could see where Cas was coming from, but he wasn't going to leave it at that. "Well I can take care of myself so you don't have to worry about me," he said, and Cas looked at him. Maybe Dean had a point...

"Dean, I..." Cas stopped himself. He couldn't. He couldn't get close to Dean and he couldn't let Dean get close to him. It couldn't possibly end any way but bad.

Dean sighed, looking away. "Fine. I get it. I'll ask for a different lab partner."

"No," Cas blurted out before he could stop himself, looking at Dean with wide eyes. Shit. "I mean…" Dean frowned at him, confused.

"Cas, don't do me any favors," he bit out, a little too harshly.

"I'm awful at chemistry," Cas told him, offering a weak smile. "I could… I could use a partner who knows what they're doing."

Cas was kicking himself. He couldn't make up his damn mind. He knew he needed to push Dean away, but every time Dean obliged and let him be, he couldn't seem to let him go. What the hell was wrong with him?

Dean couldn't figure out what Cas was doing. "Man, I don't know what you want from me," he said, shaking his head. "If you want me gone, say go."

Castiel's head was spinning. But above all the thoughts threatening to eat him alive, the one that spoke the loudest was that said he didn't want Dean to go. Maybe it was wrong and maybe he was selfish but he didn't. "I… I don't want you to go," Cas said quietly.

Dean stared at him tentatively, waiting for the other shoe to drop but it didn't. He offered a half smile. "I don't think Mr. Tightass would switch things up anyways," he told Cas, laughing and trying to lighten the air a bit. He nodded subtly to the teacher and slid his finger across his throat, making a face, and Cas laughed.

They didn't talk much for the rest of class, mostly because the teacher was glaring at Dean and watching him like a hawk the whole time. But they were both relieved to have cleared some of the tension between them. Maybe they could actually be friends. At the very least they could stop acting like the other didn't exist. It was exhausting.

After class was over, Cas said goodbye to Dean and met up with Balthazar, who was being unusually quiet.

"What's up with you, Bal?" Cas wondered, nudging his arm as they headed towards Charlie's house. "You're brooding again."

"I'm not brooding," Balthazar murmured, smiling at Cas. "Just thinking."

Cas quirked his eyebrow. "I didn't know you could think."

Chuckling softly, Balthazar shook his head. "Haha, Cassandra." He paused. "I saw you were talking to Dean."

Cas frowned. "Yeah… So?"

"He's…" Balthazar trailed off. He was really trying to control the amount of jealousy in his tone. "Did you see him flirting with Robin earlier?"

"I…" The word got caught in Cas's throat. Of course he'd noticed. But Dean wouldn't… well, Cas realized, he didn't really know what Dean would or wouldn't do. He didn't actually know him. But the way he talked to Cas, it sure didn't seem like he was playing him.

And besides, so what if Dean flirted with Robin? Cas didn't even like Dean like that.

Balthazar was watching him closely and bit his lip.

"Don't worry, Cassie, sucker's got nothing on you," he said, clapping his shoulder. "You're still Robin's number one man."

Cas shrugged his arm off.

"Come on Bal, you know I don't like her like that."

"Yeah. I know."

"What are you chumps over there chit-chatting about?"

Balthazar and Cas looked up to see Charlie waving at them from her front porch up ahead. They smiled and closed the distance between them and the steps, following her inside. "Nothing important," Cas answered her question. "How did your first day go?"

"Physics teacher gave us a pop quiz," Charlie groaned, grabbing a water and two cream sodas from the fridge. "On the _first day!" _

Balthazar winced. "Damn." He accepted the cream soda gratefully as the three of them sat down at the kitchen table. "And I thought our chem teacher was bad."

Charlie laughed and handed Cas the water bottle. "Alright, Cassie, turn me into a math wizard."

Cas quirked an eyebrow. "I'm not a miracle worker. But I can make sure you pass with at least a C."

"Rude," Charlie pouted and Balthazar almost fell out of his chair laughing.

"Nice!"

Cas smiled, looking between them. "Alright, let's focus, guys."

They studied for about an hour before Charlie had had enough. "How the hell is this even math?" she muttered. "I'm _good _at math, but this bullshit isn't math."

Cas laughed. "You'll get it, Charlie. I promise."

"Professor Cassie, can I be excused?" Balthazar chimed in, putting Charlie's reading glasses on and making his voice all nasally.

"Kinky," Charlie coughed into her fist, and Cas glared at her.

"I hate you both," he grumbled.

"Nope, you love us," Balthazar said cheerily, pushing the glasses up on his nose. "I think this is a good look for me, no?"

"Maybe if they weren't two sizes too small for your big head," Charlie laughed, snatching her glasses back. "I need these to tell the difference between Sine and Cosine."

"SOH-CAH-TOA," Balthazar said, carefully pronouncing each part. He grinned. "I remembered, Cassie. You're such a good teacher."

Cas rolled his eyes, laughing. "You two are impossible. Class dismissed."

"Freedom!" Balthazar exclaimed, standing up with a fist in the air. He was enjoying Cas's laughter a little too much.

"Except for you," Cas continued, pointing at Balthazar and holding back spurts of giggles. "Detention for you, Mr. Hart."

"Double kinky," Charlie coughed. She hit her fist against her chest and cleared her throat. "Agh, sorry. I've just got this nasty cough. I must be coming down with something."

"Bullshit," Balthazar laughed, flipping her off.

Cas erupted into giggles, holding his stomach and grinning so hard his face hurt. Balthazar and Charlie followed suit until none of them could breathe they were laughing so hard. Every time they calmed down for a minute or two, one of them would start giggling again and it would start all over.

"Alright, alright," Cas said finally, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down. His face was flushed and he still couldn't stop smiling. "I should probably get going before dinner time."

"Need me to walk you?" Balthazar asked, standing up.

"No, that's alright," Cas said lightly. "I can handle myself."

Balthazar smirked. "I know you can, Cas."

"Love you, Cassie," Charlie said, standing and giving him a hug. Balthazar did the same.

"Love you guys," he said, stuffing his books in his bag. "See you tomorrow."

With that, Cas grabbed his backpack and headed out the door. It was about 5 p.m. so he figured Sonny and the other boys would be having dinner any minute. He knew he had to be there, but he wasn't looking forward to seeing Dean and having to pretend he didn't notice him.

"Dinner's on the table," Sonny told Cas as he opened the door for him, gesturing inside with a smile. "How was school?"

Cas shrugged. "It was only the first day."

Sonny nodded, chuckling softly. "Fair point. Well get some food in ya."

Cas followed Sonny to the kitchen and took a seat between Chuck and Ash at the table. He saw Dean eyeing him in his peripheral but he didn't look up.

"What do you guys think of that new history teacher?" Chuck asked the table. "He's kinda scary if ya ask me."

"Mr. Donovan?" Benny scoffed. "Nah, he's the best. He let us leave early after the assignment was done. The guy loves me."

"Since when are you a teacher's pet?" Ash blurted out, laughing. "This guy really must be crazy if you're his shining pupil."

"Oh shut up," Benny waved him off, glaring. "You're just mad because your favorite lunch lady moved to Wisconsin or something."

"She gave me extra macaroni!" Ash defended. "I'm tellin' you man, it was the hair. Chicks dig it."

"Alright, chief," Benny chuckled, digging into his dinner.

"That chem teacher is kind of a hardass," Dean chimed in, and Ash groaned.

"God, he is! And there's an odd number in the class, so guess who's stuck with him as a lab partner? This guy."

"Damn, that's rough," Dean said, smirking. "I'm just glad he'll be more focused on you than me."

"Lucky son of a bitch," Ash grumbled.

The chatter died down as the boys ate, and at some point Dean realized that Cas had snuck away from the table. How had he not seen him?

Dean finished his food before the other boys and headed upstairs. He didn't want to push it, but he figured he'd give Cas the chance to say _something. _He knew it was kind of a long shot, though.

He plopped down on his bed and laid down on his back, staring up at the wooden ceiling. They were so quiet, he could hear Cas breathing from where he was lying on his own bed.

Cas could feel the weight of Dean's presence heavy on his heart, and he tried to focus on the book he was reading. That was extremely difficult, though, when Dean was right there and it was just the two of them. This was exactly why he'd been avoiding one-on-one interaction with Dean. It was too easy for him to fall into it and get comfortable, to let Dean in. He had to make a constant effort to keep himself from giving in.

He was grateful when he heard the other boys bounding down the hall and into the room. At least when they weren't alone, he didn't have to feel so bad for ignoring Dean.

* * *

The rest of the week went pretty much the same. Cas ignored Dean when they were at Sonny's, and he made polite conversation at best when they were at school. Things were not going how Dean had planned at all. At least Benny and the others were treating him like one of the guys. That did make him feel a little better.

Still, he wasn't quite ready to give up on becoming friends with Cas. He had chem lab, so that was something. He had to be able to find some way to make nice when they sat right next together for a whole hour every single day. And if not, he had wrestling try-outs as his backup plan.

He refused to acknowledge the nagging feeling that begged the question, why was he so interested? Why did he care so much if Cas liked him? These weren't questions he knew how to answer. Not yet, at least. All he knew was that he wanted to get close to Cas. The rest he would figure out later.

* * *

It was Friday and Cas couldn't _wait _for class to get out. For the first time in almost a year, he was having a movie night with Balthazar and Charlie. Normally he would regret letting Charlie pick the movie because he never understood what was happening, but this time he really couldn't care less what they watched. He just missed hanging out with his best friends.

As soon as class was dismissed, Cas jumped out of his seat and practically skipped to meet Balthazar at the door. The taller boy laughed and slung an arm over Cas's shoulder as they walked.

"I've never seen you so excited to be confused about Star Trek," Balthazar teased, and Cas just grinned.

"Movie nights have always been my favorite, Bal. Especially when we haven't had one since last winter."

Balthazar returned the smile ten-fold. He couldn't help it. Despite his teasing, he had been looking forward to tonight for a solid week now. Movie night with Cas was everything. It reminded him of before things got so damn complicated.

"I just think you have a thing for Captain Kirk," Balthazar said, waggling his eyebrows. "Personally I prefer Mr. Spock, but I can see the appeal."

Cas's face flushed. "I- I do not! I just think he's a hero is all."

Balthazar snorted. "Whatever you say, Cassie."

Cas huffed and shoved him lightly, but he was smiling.

God, Balthazar had missed that smile. He hadn't seen it much since… Well, since before.

Quickly shaking that train of thought, Balthazar smiled fondly at Cas. He couldn't help the swell of hope in his chest at Cas's excitement for movie night. Yeah, Charlie was there too, but movie night had been a thing for Cas and Balthazar since they were kids. It usually ended with the two of them sitting way too close on the couch until Cas was basically curled up in Balthazar's lap. He knew Cas just liked being comfortable, but to Balthazar it was so much more than that.

"You ok, Bal?" Cas asked, breaking him from his reverie. Balthazar looked at him and saw a smirk forming on his face. "Thinking about those Vulcan ears?"

Balthazar made a face at him. "Hey, don't be disrespecting my man Spock. How many times has he saved Kirk's ass?"

Cas laughed. "Don't act like you even watch the show," he said. "You just like those skin-tight suits."

"Yeah, well, I'm not the only one," Balthazar said, throwing a smirk his way.

Cas shrugged. "It's not my fault the cast is full of people who look good in spandex."

Balthazar was suddenly struck with an image of Cas in one of those silly uniforms, and he almost choked. Cas frowned.

"Are you okay?" he asked, oblivious. "You're not getting sick are you?"

Balthazar shook his head, clearing his throat. "No, uh… I don't think so. Just… allergies."

Cas gave him an odd look but accepted his answer.

A few minutes later and they were on Charlie's front porch. She opened the door and, before they could step inside, wrapped them both in a surprisingly tight hug.

"I love movie night," she said with a happy sigh. "Especially when you chumps make the mistake of letting me pick." She pulled back and grinned at them. "I made popcorn!"

"Regretting your decision to let her pick?" Balthazar whispered to Cas as they followed Charlie inside.

"Starting to," Cas whispered back.

"You guys suck at whispering," Charlie said without looking back at them. "And you know it's my turn."

"Only teasing, dearest," Balthazar shot back. "We love you in all your geeky glory."

"Damn right you do," Charlie said matter-of-factly, the satisfied grin evident in her voice.

"Aw, don't you love me too?" Balthazar whined.

"You know I do, babe," Charlie said, winking at him.

"Should I give you guys a minute?" Cas teased, and his friends snorted out a laugh in unison as the three of them sat down in the living room.

"Never in a million years," Charlie said, giggling.

"Ouch," Balthazar said, turning to her and putting his hand on his heart. "Hurtful."

She gave him a look. "Bal, you're gay."

"Yeah, well, _you're _gay," Balthazar shot back, and Charlie punched his shoulder.

"We're both gay, you idiot," she laughed.

Cas smiled at the two of them, though he shifted uncomfortably. Being around his friends, he felt more comfortable being himself, accepting himself. But he still had a hard time saying it. He didn't know how Charlie and Balthazar were so brave.

"We're all pretty gay," he chimed in quietly. They looked over at him and he smiled hesitantly.

"Damn right, Cassie," Balthazar grinned, wrapping his arm around him. "We're all pretty gay," he repeated, squeezing Cas's shoulder.

Cas settled into Balthazar's side and pulled a blanket over his legs, sighing softly. He didn't know what he would do without his best friends around to remind him that he was loved exactly the way he was. That he wasn't some sort of freak of nature or _abomination. _They were the only people in the world he could truly rely on and trust no matter what. And that had been enough until…

His thoughts strayed to Dean, and he couldn't help but wonder if Dean would accept him if he knew. Would he still want to be his friend, or would he think he was disgusting? Cas thought he knew the answer, but honestly the risk was a little too terrifying to Cas. He felt silly for thinking it, but he didn't want to lose Dean. Not that he even _had _Dean, but still. He couldn't bear the thought of Dean looking at him like his father had looked at him when he'd found out…

Disappointed. Disgusted.

The thought of it was too much.

But Balthazar and Charlie, they didn't care. They loved him and they wanted him to be himself. They wanted him to be happy. And he loved them for that.

As Charlie started the movie, Balthazar didn't dare move a muscle. Cas was bundled up against his side, a warm and comforting weight. He was afraid if he moved then Cas would too, and he didn't want to lose the closeness. This happened at almost every one of their movie nights, and it had been so long that Balthazar had almost forgotten how fantastic it felt. Holding Cas close, protecting him, loving him, He wanted to stay like that forever.

After a while, though, he felt an itch on his nose. _Dammit. _He resisted for as long as he could, but he had to reach up and scratch it. When he did, he half expected Cas to sit up. But then Cas snuggled in _closer _and Balthazar couldn't even breathe. How the hell was he supposed to breathe when Cas let out that little happy sigh and put his hand on Balthazar's belly and his head on his chest and...

How the hell was he supposed to even _think _of anything else but that?

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't quench the hope building up in his chest. Though some part of him knew Cas was never going to see him in the way he wanted, it was moments like this when he wondered if Cas could really be so completely oblivious. Did Cas really have no idea the effect he had on him? Did he really not see the way Balthazar looked at him when he couldn't help himself? Was Balthazar crazy for thinking that maybe Cas could love him back?

His head was spinning far too fast to find the answers. For now, he thought, he would just hold Cas for as long as he was allowed. It wasn't as if he had the strength to move away even if he wanted to

And he most definitely, decidedly, _did not want to. _


	4. Chapter 4

"_Bal, _pleeeeease? _I've never played, and isn't it like a rite of passage or something?"_

"_I mean, sure, but usually you need more than two people to play," Balthazar said, touching Cas's shoulder and laughing nervously. "Besides, you're way too drunk."_

"_Yeah, but I need _practice!" _Cas insisted. "Meg asked me out, remember? And I said _yes! _What if she wants to kiss me and I don't know how?"_

_Balthazar _really _didn't know how to answer that. Of course Cas needed practice, he was fourteen. He'd never been on a date before, let alone kissed anyone. And if he was being honest, the thought of Cas kissing Meg made Balthazar kinda queasy. He really didn't want to think about why that was. _

"_Fine," he sighed. "We can play spin the bottle… with two people. What the hell?"_

_Cas laughed happily and put his hands on Balthazar's legs, using them as leverage to push himself to his feet. "Now we just need a bottle."_

_Balthazar grinned at the determined look on Castiel's face. "Love, there's a bottle right next to you. The one you just finished drinking out of."_

"_Oh." Cas plopped back down on the carpet and situated himself across from Balthazar, grabbing the bottle and setting it between the two of them. "Alright, so I just spin it right? And then I kiss… whoever it lands on?"_

_Balthazar laughed. "Yes, that's generally how the game is played." He couldn't help but grin at how adorable Cas was. "Well go on now."_

_Cas nodded and flicked the bottle, jumping when it spun off to the side a few feet. "Oops."_

_Balthazar glanced over at it with a smirk. "I mean, I suppose it's pointed at me. Wouldn't you say so?"_

_Cas grinned and nodded. "I mean there's no one else it could be pointing to." _

"_My point exactly." _

_Balthazar swallowed thickly. He could only stall for so long. And why was he stalling anyways? Cas was his best friend. It wasn't weird. Why would it be?_

"_So…" Cas laughed breathlessly, sitting cross-legged with his hands clasped in his lap. "How do we do this?"_

_Balthazar inched closer until their knees touched. His heart was pounding in his chest. "Just, um… here, put your hand on my shoulder or something and, uh…" Balthazar trailed off, looking at Cas. His heart caught in his throat at the way Cas was staring at him with wide, innocent eyes. "Like this…" Balthazar closed his eyes and leaned in, touching his lips to Cas's ever so lightly. He slotted his bottom lip between Castiel's slightly parted lips and just… stayed there. He couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. _

_Cas hummed softly and leaned forward a fraction of an inch. It took everything Balthazar had not to grab him and kiss him and never ever stop._

_He stayed there, eyes closed tight, for a few more seconds before slowly pulling away. Hesitantly opening his eyes, he saw Cas frozen in time for a moment with his eyes closed and lips parted. Then his eyes blinked open slowly and he smiled at Balthazar. _

"_Well," he said, giggling softly. "I guess now I know what all the fuss is about."_

_Balthazar laughed, trying to hide how much doing so pained him. "Happy to be of service." Cas didn't say anything to that and Balthazar had to look away, licking his lips. "Well, uh… You know… I just wanted to make sure your first kiss was with someone who really loves you." _

"Balth?" Charlie said, snapping him out of his thoughts as they walked to the lunchroom together. "Hey, are you alright?"

"Oh, uh… yeah, I'm fine," he said, blinking hard a few times. "Just daydreaming, I guess."

Cas gave him a worried look, but he could tell Balthazar didn't want to talk about it. He didn't push. Charlie did the same, reluctantly.

"Hey Cas," Charlie said, changing the subject. "Are you going out for the wrestling team again this year? You're the best guy we've got."

Cas laughed. "I don't know about _best, _but yes I'm planning on it. It was a lot of fun last year. And it'll be even more fun now that Gordon was kicked off the team."

"After the way that son of a bitch choked you out last season, it's a miracle he wasn't expelled," Balthazar chimed in, shifting uncomfortably. He was trying not to let his temper flare again. Thankfully Gordon wasn't in the lunch room today, he noticed as they found a table and sat down.

"I still won that match, for the record," Cas said with a grin.

"See? The best," Charlie said, pointing at him with a smirk.

Cas laughed, but trailed off as his attention was drawn to the cafeteria entrance. Dean walked in, looking uncomfortable even as he made his way to the table where Benny and the others were sitting. The stares from the other students hadn't quite died down yet.

Cas watched him, barely even realizing he was staring, and he couldn't help but feel some sense of guilt. Sure, they had been talking a little bit, but only in class. At Sonny's Cas still found it difficult to even look at him. It was one thing to talk to Dean in a classroom setting where they had to stay mostly focused on their assignments. But at home… Cas was afraid of what might happen if he let himself cross that line.

At least Dean wasn't completely alone, Cas reasoned. But he knew that didn't change the way he felt every time Dean tried to talk to him at Sonny's and Cas shot him down.

Dean had forgotten the biggest reason he hated school. He was always the new kid, always the mysterious weirdo that came and left in a year or less. Even though he'd been there for almost a week and he had actually made a few friends, people still stared at him.

As he walked into the cafeteria after having grabbed a tray of food, he could feel everyone staring at him. Even Cas was staring, he noticed, and Dean couldn't meet his eyes. He'd thought they had made progress in chemistry class, but Cas barely spoke a word to him once school was out.

"Hey, newbie!" Benny called, and Dean rolled his eyes. He still didn't like that nickname, but he knew Benny didn't mean any harm. And it was nice to have some boys his age who liked having him around.

He walked over to where Benny was sitting with Ash and Chuck. "Hey, Dean!" Chuck greeted him enthusiastically.  
"Howdy, boys," Dean said, sitting down with a chuckle. As odd of a group as they were, Dean liked them. They didn't treat him like he had a third eye or anything.

"So, today's guesses on what kind of meat this is," Ash said, making a face at his tray and poking the food with his fork. "I'm pretty sure mine is some guy's foot."

"Mm, feet meet," Chuck chimed in, reaching for Ash's tray. "Gimme!"

"Hey, that's my foot!" Ash complained, swatting his hand away, and Chuck burst out into giggles. "No touchy!"

"Mine looks like a monkey's ass," Benny said, staring at his food and scrunching up his nose.

The four of them all busted out laughing then. As Dean's side ached with laughter, he couldn't help but think that he hadn't laughed this hard since he was four years old.

The boys picked at their food for a few minutes, then Chuck spoke up. "Hey Dean, what's up with you and Cas?"

"Huh?" Dean's eyes widened in surprise. "Uh, nothing, why?"

"Bullshit," Ash scoffed. "You two have been making googly eyes at each other in chemistry this whole week."

"How did you-"

"I keep telling you guys I'm no idiot," Ash shrugged. "Besides, it's plain as day."

"I'm not-" Dean frowned, shaking his head. "No one's making googly eyes. We're just… friends. I guess. I don't really know what we are, to tell ya the truth. Some days he'll talk to me and everything's a-okay and then he just goes dead silent on me. I don't get it."

"Cas has been through a lot," Benny told him quietly, and Dean didn't think he'd seen Benny's expression so serious in the two weeks he'd been there.

"Yeah, that's what everyone keeps saying," Dean said, frowning. "I still don't know what that means."

"Well, he's not at Sonny's for the same reasons we all ended up here," Chuck told him. "Most of us, our parents are either dead or never in the picture in the first place. But Cas, he… he basically got disowned."

"Disowned?" Dean repeated, shocked. He suddenly felt a rush of sympathy and comradery towards Castiel. _He was abandoned just like me… _"For… for what?"

"Lots of reasons," Benny said vaguely. "There's all these rumors but one thing I know is he got in some trouble with the cops and his dad told him not to come home."

Dean was about to ask for more details when the bell rang. _Dammit. _Every new thing he learned about Cas just made him want to know more about the boy. Which would be a hell of a lot easier if Cas would actually talk to him about more than their lab assignment. He still didn't understand why Cas acted completely normal in class and then totally ignored him when they were at home.

He wished he could figure out why Cas was so afraid to really be his friend.

* * *

"_Dad, I'm going to Balthazar's to study," Cas said, already opening the front door. _

"_Hold on," Zachariah said, looking up at Cas through his glasses. He was sitting in his chair reading, and he rarely paid attention to much else when was reading. That's how Cas knew it wasn't the good kind of 'hold on.' _

"_Yes, father?" he responded weakly, closing the door and standing anxiously at the edge of the tile entryway. _

"_You're spending more and more time at this boy's house," his father said slowly. "I'm not sure I like what he's putting in your head."_

_Cas swallowed hard. "It's just biology, father," he said softly._

"Don't _you talk smart with me, Castiel!" Zachariah snapped, his voice only raising for the first and last word he spoke. That was more terrifying than yelling to Cas. "You know damn well what I mean. Giving you ideas of _individuality _and that other nonsense people are spouting these days."_

_He said "individuality" with such distaste that Cas felt nauseous. He knew that was code for "gay." _

"_Dad, he's just my friend-"_

"_I think you should study with that nice girl next door," his father continued. "She comes from a good family, nice folks. You might like her if you'd give it a try."_

_Cas looked down, ashamed. "Yes, father."_

_At least he could still see Balthazar at school…_

Cas was walking home from Charlie's house after they finished studying for the day, and he couldn't stop thinking about his father. Despite himself, he actually missed him. He missed having a family.

His father was a cruel man, and horribly old fashioned (i.e. homophobic). From his friendship with Balthazar, Cas had learned that being gay wasn't really a bad thing. That it didn't make someone wrong or unlovable like his father had always taught him. He knew that. He knew that the feelings he had were normal and that he wasn't a bad person, but when you're taught to believe a certain thing for your entire life, it's almost impossible to ever abandon that idea completely.

So it didn't matter that he wanted to be close to Dean, or that Dean was trying so hard to be his friend. It didn't matter that Cas couldn't help but smile every time Dean cracked a dumb joke or even spoke Cas's name. And it most definitely didn't matter that Cas's heart leaped every time their hands brushed during a lab assignment. None of that could matter to Cas if he ever wanted to see his family again.

Deep down, he knew it was a foolish hope, going home. His father would never allow it. But he just kept hoping that if he tried hard enough, that part of him would go away and his father would love him again. Like he loved Michael, and like he loved Anna.

Cas made it back to Sonny's and went straight upstairs to his bed. He'd eaten at Charlie's and he wasn't in the mood for social interaction.

Cas opened the bedroom door and startled when he found that the room wasn't empty. Dean was there, lying on his bed and twirling his pocket knife around his fingers, staring at it.

He glanced up when he heard the door open, and he stopped twirling when he saw Cas standing there. He sat up. "Hey."

"Hi, Dean," Cas murmured, standing still in the doorway.

"I won't bite," Dean told him after a moment, nodding to Cas's bed. "Don't worry, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to."

Cas saw the hurt in his eyes even as he spoke the words. The guilt twisted in Cas's stomach. Without really meaning to, he took a few steps closer to Dean. He didn't speak as he passed the boy and sat down on his own bed. Dean sighed, sitting with his back facing Cas now, and went back to twirling his knife.

"That's a nice knife," Cas commented despite his brain telling him to just shut up and go to sleep. "Is that real silver?"

Dean paused his ministrations and took a moment to study the inscription on the blade. "Yeah, pure silver."

"Trying to skin a werewolf or something?" Cas joked, laughing lightly.

Dean almost choked. "W-What?"

Cas frowned. "The, uh… the stories. Werewolves, pure silver stake to the heart. Ya know all those legends."

"Uh, yeah," Dean choked out. "Legends. 'Course. Uh, no, it was a gift from my uncle. Said it's good luck or something."

Cas nodded even though Dean couldn't see him. "It's nice," he said again.

"Thanks."

Cas watched as Dean went back to twirling the knife. He couldn't help but be distracted by the nimble way his fingers twisted around the blade and hilt. He remembered the way those fingers felt against his skin when he was patching him up that first day…

No. Cas stopped that thought in its tracks. But it was difficult to focus on anything but Dean…

"Take a picture," Dean grumbled, clasping his fist around the knife and setting it roughly on his nightstand. He didn't have to look to know Cas was staring at him. "It'll last longer."

Cas startled a bit and shook his head. "I- sorry."

Dean huffed out a sigh and laid down on his back. "Don't apologize," he said. "Don't pretend we're friends, either. I can take a hint."

Cas wanted to scream that _no_, no that wasn't it, not at all. He wanted to grab Dean's hand and tell him everything, the reason why he couldn't make himself talk to Dean like a normal human being. The reason why he had to push him away. He wished he could… but instead he just sighed softly and laid down on his side with his back to Dean. He figured this was easier. Not exactly a clean break, but as close as he could manage.

Dean had hoped that Cas would say something like the last time. In chemistry class, when Dean had pulled away, Cas had pulled him back in, made him feel like he wasn't crazy for thinking they could be friends. But this time… he gave up. Didn't say a word. Yeah, Dean could take a hint. But he would have to be a goddamn mind-reader to figure out what the hell Cas wanted from him.

* * *

After that night, Dean honestly regretted saying anything at all. At least when he muddled through Cas ignoring him at Sonny's, he knew he'd still get to talk to Cas in chem class. But when he showed up to class, Cas didn't even say hello. Great, now Cas was back to not talking to him at all.

Fine, Dean figured. He'd told Cas to tell him to go if he wanted him gone, and in not quite so many words, he'd done just that. Well at least now Dean knew where he stood. There was no point in sugar coating it. He still didn't understand it, but he didn't need to keep holding out hope.

* * *

"_Daddy, daddy!"_

"_What is it, Castiel? I'm very busy."_

"_But daddy, look! I drew a picture!" Castiel held up a crayon drawing he'd done in class. His 1st grade teacher gave them daily words to draw, and today's word was 'friend.' "I made a new friend and Miss Claire said it's okay to hold hands with friends. Even the boy ones!"_

_Zachariah looked up when he heard that, and it was almost as if there were actual flames in his eyes. "Castiel, that is disgusting," he said firmly. He grabbed the drawing, crumpled it, and threw it in the trash. "I will not have my son holding hands with boys and becoming some kind of homo."_

_Cas felt tears well up in his eyes and he sniffled. "Daddy, what-"_

"_Go to your room, Castiel, I have work to do."_

_Tears spilled onto his cheeks and he ran upstairs to his bedroom, closing the door and crawling onto his bed. He muffled his sobs in a pillow, half-aware of his older brother wrapping his arms around him. _

"_Gabe, w-what's a homo?" Cas gasped out in between sobs. "Daddy said he doesn't want me to be one."_

_Gabriel rubbed his brother's back and held him close. He didn't know what to say. "It's alright, Cassie… Don't worry about that, it's alright…"_

_Cas turned and cried into Gabriel's shoulder, sniffling and coughing as his brother held him tight. Right then and there, without even knowing what the word meant, Cas promised himself he would never be a _homo. _He never wanted his dad to look at him like that ever again. _

* * *

Cas woke up with sweat on the back of his neck and tears on his face. He gasped softly and sat up a bit, sniffling as he looked around the room. He was at Sonny's, not at his house. His dad wasn't here. He was safe.

"Cas?"

Castiel startled and looked over at the source of the voice: Dean.

"I-It's okay, Dean," Cas said shakily. "Go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you."

Dean sat up and rubbed his eyes, trying to get a good look at Cas in the darkness. "Are you crying?"

"N-No," Cas said, and he knew it wasn't convincing. He sniffled and wrapped his arms around his knees. "It's fine. I'm fine."

"No you're not," Dean said in a soft tone, and Cas's heart ached. He watched as Dean stood up and crossed the distance between their beds. He took a seat on the edge of Cas's mattress and Cas could just barely see his face with the moonlight shining in through the window. "C'mere," Dean said, holding his hand out. Cas looked at it hesitantly. "My brother used to have nightmares. I held him until he could fall asleep again. Can I...?"

The ache in Cas's chest grew more insistent and Cas drew in a shaky breath, reaching out to take Dean's hand. With Cas's permission, Dean scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Cas, holding the boy to his chest. He started singing softly, something his mother used to sing to him. He didn't remember the words, but the melody still played through his head clear as if his mother was singing it herself.

Cas felt himself relaxing in Dean's hold, his breathing slowly evening out. Dean smiled softly and rubbed his back. He stayed there until he was sure Cas was sound asleep, then he gently laid the boy back down on his pillow. "Goodnight, Cas," he whispered, covering him with the blanket before crawling back into his own bed.

Cas hadn't slept so peacefully in years.

* * *

Cas had to leave the house before Dean had the chance to get out of bed just to keep himself from giving in and talking to Dean. If he was being honest with himself, he knew it was only a matter of time before he couldn't keep up the act anymore, and last night had only made him more certain of that. There was something about the way Dean held him and comforted him that made Cas want to stay in his embrace for the rest of eternity. And maybe Dean would agree to hold him again if only Cas could let himself accept it…

Cas's mind wandered without his permission, remembering over and over the few moments when Dean held him close and he didn't even care what his dad said because Dean's embrace just felt right. Cas was far too tired to keep the thoughts at bay, and he knew it was a bad idea but he let the thoughts come and fill his mind with Dean.

He was still lost in thought by the time he got to his first class. The teacher was the only one in the room but she didn't mind Cas taking his seat early. He used to do it all the time when he didn't want to be at home. He'd known Miss Larsen since he had her for math in 8th grade, and she was one of the few people who knew about his situation at home.

Cas took his seat in the front of the room and pulled out his notebook, a few pens, and a pencil. Still allowing his thoughts to run free, he began sketching in the back of his notebook.

"What's that, Cassie?"

He startled when Charlie sat down next to him. He looked up and saw her eyes widen a little in realization as she looked at his notebook. Cas was a very detailed artist and there was no mistaking those eyes.

"You're drawing Dean," she said softly, and Cas quickly closed the notebook. "Cassie, honey, why won't you just talk to him?"

"I want to…" Cas admitted, not meeting her eyes. "Last night, he… I had a nightmare and… He hugged me and sang to me until I fell asleep."

"Awww," Charlie cooed, punching his shoulder lightly. "I knew he liked you."

Cas choked out a laugh. "Are you serious? He doesn't like me, he likes Robin."

Charlie shrugged. "He's just a flirt. But he's different with you, I can tell."

"It isn't like that," Cas shook his head.

"Of course it is." Charlie rolled her eyes and pushed his chin up to make him look at her. "Cas, what's going on? This is about more than your dad."

Cas sighed. She was right, of course she was. But if it wasn't about his dad, Cas didn't really know what it was about. Dean was just… different.

"You don't have to tell me," Charlie said after a moment. "But I think you owe it to yourself to figure out the real reason it's so hard for you to talk to Dean. It's not really fair to him, either."

Cas nodded. "I know."

He went quiet, and Charlie gave him his space as he continued sketching. Cas wanted to take her advice, to let Dean in and see if he felt the same way Cas did. Sometimes he thought he did, but he felt crazy for even thinking it.

Besides, Cas didn't know the first thing about being in love. The whole idea was terrifying, _especially _with Dean. And Charlie was right, it wasn't because of his dad or religion or guilt or anything like that. Cas had never felt like this about anyone before, and something about Dean made him feel like he could lose him at any second. And if he could lose him, then it was far too risky to love him. It didn't even matter if Dean had any kind of feelings for him, it was just too big a risk. Cas wasn't ready to take that on.

What he couldn't admit was that his feelings for Dean were already out of his control. He was already terrified to lose him… so why did he keep pushing Dean away?

* * *

Dean had honestly hoped that last night would've changed things, but when he woke up and Cas was already gone he knew it hadn't. He was still glad he was able to help Cas when he was upset, though, even if Cas was still avoiding him.

He wondered if this was how normal teenagers felt. He didn't think this was normal. Benny was always staring at cheerleaders, and Dean wondered if that's what he was supposed to be doing too. He just wanted to be a normal teenage boy, dammit.

He was really trying. He was going to school, doing his homework, flirting with a pretty girl who he was _pretty _sure was flirting back. How much more normal could he get? Then again, Dean didn't really know the first thing about normal. His only idea of normal was vengeful spirits and werewolves and crappy motel rooms.

Dean walked to school by himself, not really in the mood for being social. He did brighten a little when he met up with Robin at the front doors.

"Morning, Dean," she said with a smile. "Walk ya to class?"

"Sure thing," Dean told her, smiling back. "There are definitely worse ways to spend my morning than walking to class with a pretty lady like yourself."

Robin rolled her eyes, her cheeks flushing. "Flattered," she shot back. "But don't think too much of it."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Dean offered a charming smile and Robin laughed and shook her head.

They walked into class and Dean faltered in his steps as soon as he saw Cas. He tried to play it off and continue to his seat but he knew Cas had seen him. He saw Cas stare at him the second he walked in the door. Dean wished he could figure out what the hell he was thinking when he stared at him like that.

Cas didn't look at him at all for the rest of class, just scribbling in his notebook. Dean couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. He certainly wasn't taking notes. He seemed distracted.

Dean was distracted, too. Several times he considered passing Cas a note, but he felt silly even thinking about it. Besides, he didn't really want Cas's friends to read what he had to say.

He tried to focus on class. He was never great at math but he honestly wasn't sure if this trigonometry stuff was actually math. There were way too many letters.

He glanced down when he heard a light clattering on the floor. He saw a pencil rolling towards him and he glanced back to see Robin smiling at him. He smiled too at the throwback to the first day of class, reaching down to pick up her pencil.

"I think you dropped this," he whispered. Robin bit her lip and took the pencil from him, trading it for a folded up piece of paper. Dean looked at and then looked at her like '_seriously?' _

Robin rolled her eyes and gestured for him to open it. He did.

_Want some company at lunch? One can only take so much of those three bozos you've been sitting with. _

Dean bit back a laugh and wrote his response underneath Robin's neat scrawl, handing it back to her.

_Dear god yes. _

Robin giggled and Dean looked at her with a smile. He watched the way she tucked her hair behind her ears. It was kind of adorable.

Almost as adorable as way Cas's forehead scrunched up in chem lab when he was focusing really hard on something…

Dean shook his head, pulling his focus back to Robin. Cas didn't want him around. Robin did. It was that simple.

When lunchtime came around, Dean met up with Robin outside the cafeteria.

"'Bout time you had lunch with me after all that flirting," she teased, winking and nudging his shoulder with hers.

"I would've asked sooner if I thought you'd say yes," Dean said honestly as they grabbed their trays of food.

"Before today, I probably wouldn't have," Robin admitted with a shrug.

"Why's that?" Dean asked.

Robin laughed shyly and pushed her hair back. "Well, I'm sure you've noticed or the boys told you, but I've kinda had this crush on Cas since like forever."

"I might've heard that somewhere," Dean nodded, looking away and huffing out half of a laugh. "So what made you change your mind about me?"

Robin bit her lip and didn't say anything for a while. Then, "Here, I wanna show you something."

Dean's face twisted up in confusion but he followed her, out of the cafeteria, down the hall, and outside. She led him to an old metal bench, tucked away underneath the bleachers at the football stadium. "What's this?"

"Just someplace I like to go to eat in peace," Robin said, smiling tentatively. Dean could tell this wasn't somewhere she took just anyone for lunch. "Dean, I… To tell you the truth, I do like you. I have since you first came to Sonny's. And Cas… well, that's never gonna happen. For a lot of reasons, but it's complicated."

"Yeah, that seems to be his deal," Dean said, frowning. "Complicated." He paused, processing what she'd said and smiling. "So… You said you… well, I mean, I like you too."

Robin's smile stretched wider across her face, but it soon fell as she spoke again. "So, you and Cas, that's not…?" she asked, almost wishing she hadn't when Dean's smile fell too.

"That's… Well, honestly I don't really know. I mean I thought we were friends or something but he keeps getting all weird around me and now he's not talking to me." Dean looked at Robin and he felt guilt wash over him, though he wasn't totally sure why. Her expression looked sad and understanding, though Dean didn't really know what she was understanding.

Robin thought she had to be the unluckiest girl on earth. The only two guys she had ever wanted to have some sort of romantic relationship with, and they had the hots for each other. She could see it in Dean's eyes when he talked about Cas. He was heartbroken that Cas was shutting him out, and he clearly had some kind of feelings for him. And she knew Cas liked Dean too, even if he had his reasons for keeping his distance.

Still, she reminded herself, Dean was here, talking to her, flirting with her, smiling at her. And Cas was pushing him away, hell he was pushing her away too. Maybe they could find something in each other in all this mess.

"It's complicated," Robin finally said, reaching out to touch Dean's hand and then pulling back. Dean glanced down at the movement and inched his hand closer to her where it sat between them on the bench. She bit her lip and placed her hand over Dean's. "Cas, he… well it's a mess. It's not really my place to tell."

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "I get it." And Dean thought that was that, but Robin continued, speaking carefully.

"But he's been through a lot," she told him. "Sometimes he forgets that not everyone sees the worst in him and he pushes people away. He forgets that we're not all judgmental jerks."

"He doesn't seem to be pushing those two away," Dean said, gesturing in the general direction of the cafeteria. Robin knew who he meant.

"Charlie and Balthazar… they're different," Robin sighed. "Balthazar and Cas, they've known each other since they were basically babies. And Charlie came into it a little later but they're inseparable, always have been. Nothing comes between them that I've ever seen." She paused, and Dean could tell she longed to have that sort of bond with Cas too. She wanted more than that, but still. "But I don't think it's anything you did wrong, necessarily," she assured Dean, rubbing her thumb over his wrist. "It's just Cas."

Honestly that did make Dean feel a little better, but not much. In that moment, though, he decided he was done talking about Cas. If there was no hope anyways, he wanted to focus on what he could see. And that was Robin, right here in front of him.

"Well, hey, look," Dean said, turning his hand to wrap his fingers around Robin's. "You've been nothing but friendly to me since I got here, so that's something. I must have done something right to deserve that."

Robin smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. Adorable. "You could say that," she laughed. "You're persistent, I'll give you that."

"Well it's a two way street we've got goin' here," Dean laughed softly. "The flirting and all… Don't tell me I'm just seein' things that ain't there."

"You're not," she whispered, catching her bottom lip between her teeth and squeezing his hand. She smiled at him and Dean glanced down at her lips. God it was hard to resist. "Well?"

"Huh?" Dean said intelligently, gaping at her for a moment. "What'd I do?"

Robin giggled. "Well, I was sort of hoping you would kiss me sometime before next year, Romeo."

Dean's face flushed and he smiled nervously. "Right," he breathed out. "'Course. I can do that." He may have played the cocky, confident, experienced playboy, but truthfully he wasn't really sure what he was doing when it came to the real deal.

Dean leaned forward, moving his hand to her shoulder and holding it so gently he was barely making contact. He saw Robin close her eyes, waiting, and he swallowed hard and went for it. He pressed his lips to hers and inhaled through his nose. Damn, it felt like flying. She tasted like cinnamon and smelled like apples.

Before he could lose his mind, Dean slowly pulled away, not opening his eyes for a few seconds. He felt Robin's breath against his lips and he blinked his eyes open, watching as she did the same.

"That was… nice," he said with a breath laugh. _Dammit, Dean. Nice? _"I mean, um…"

She smiled at him. "Yeah. It was."

They both laughed softly, relieved to have the tension broken.

They didn't talk much through the rest of lunch, eating their food and sneaking glances at each other. For the first time since Dean had arrived at Sonny's, he wasn't hyper focused on Cas. He felt normal and actually something resembling happy for the first time in as long as he could remember. He was grateful to Robin for that.

Though, despite how fantastic Robin was at distracting him from his troubles, deep down he knew that's all it was. A distraction. It wasn't that he didn't like Robin, but it was just another one of his silly crushes. He'd get over it and then he'd be alone again. But Cas…

Cas was different, somehow. Dean didn't understand why, but he couldn't deny it was true. Dean wished it wasn't, but he couldn't escape it. He felt drawn to Cas in a way he'd never experienced before. It was terrifying and exhilarating and all brand new. He really didn't know what to make of it. It wasn't like he was in love with Cas or anything, he just adored the way he smiled, and the way he talked, and the way his hair never seemed to go in the direction he meant it to. So what if he wanted to pull Cas close and hold him and kiss him and keep him safe until he breathed his last breath? It didn't mean he liked him like _that. _He liked girls, and he couldn't just suddenly like guys. That didn't make any sense.

Still, he knew Cas was special. And he knew that it was extremely important that he needed to get Cas to talk to him. And with wrestling try-outs coming up, he knew exactly how he was going to do that.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

"Alright, boys, there's a list right here with partners. Everyone is paired up based on weight class, and you'll have three rounds to show me what you've got. You impress me, I'll see you again tomorrow."

Dean looked around at all of the boys. Only maybe a quarter of them would make it on the team, he figured. Still, he liked his chances. He didn't exactly have formal wrestling experience, but he knew how to pin a guy twice his size and barely break a sweat. How hard could high school wrestling be?

Cas looked at the list of partners in disbelief. He didn't even know Dean was trying out, and now they were partners. Figures.

"So, looks like we're partners, huh?" Dean asked with a nervous laugh as he approached Cas. "Look, Cas, I know-"

"Dean, I-"

They both stopped, having spoken at the same time. They both laughed softly and Dean looked down at his feet. "Look, how 'bout this. If you pin me in three minutes or less, you never have to talk to me again. If I pin you… Well, we get coffee or something."

Cas eyed him, trying to decide how he wanted to answer that. On the one hand, Dean's agreement that they wouldn't talk would sure make this a whole lot easier. On the other hand, though… The thought of Dean giving up and never talking to him again made Cas's stomach twist painfully.

"Deal," Cas said after a moment, sticking his hand out. Dean forced a smile and shook his hand. "Let's see what you can do."

About 30 seconds later, Dean was on his back with a soft thud. Cas didn't hold him there, though, giving him a chance to collect himself. Dean grunted and looked at Cas, grinning. "Alright. I can take a challenge."

He pulled himself to his feet with Cas's offered hand, giving him a sly smile. He wouldn't let his guard down so easily again. He dodged, ducked, grabbed Cas by the arm and had him on the mat a few seconds later, holding him there with an arm across his chest.

"Not bad," Cas mused. "But there's a reason I'm undefeated."

Turning the tables once more, Cas broke free and spun Dean around by his arm, sending him back to the mat.

Dean grunted, trying to break free of Cas's hold but he couldn't. "Yield. Dammit, I yield," he said with a defeated sigh.

Cas let him go, then held out his hand for Dean again as he stood up. He studied Dean's expression, something like a kicked puppy, and he made his decision. He didn't know what changed exactly. Maybe he was just tired of lying to himself every day. "So, how about we get that coffee?"

Dean looked up at him, shocked. "But I thought-"

"I changed my mind," Cas told him, smiling a bit and helping Dean to his feet. "If we're going to be living in the same house, in the same room no less, I suppose there's really no point trying so hard to avoid talking."

"I… What changed?" Dean stared at him, baffled.

Cas hesitated. He didn't really know what to say that wouldn't make him sound crazy. "I… I guess you're just too charming to resist," he said at last, a teasing glint in his eyes. Dean grinned

"Well alright. Where's the best place to get coffee and pie around here?"

…

After try-outs were finished, Dean and Cas walked together to a little diner a few blocks from the school. Technically speaking, Cas knew that Robin's family's diner had the best pie in town, but it felt wrong to take Dean there. He wasn't sure if Robin was working or not, but he didn't want to risk that awkward interaction. Mostly, he just didn't want to watch the two of them flirting again.

"So you won the team the tournament last year," Dean said with a laugh, nudging Cas teasingly. "That would've been nice to know before I made that little deal."

Cas shrugged, smiling. "It's called a hustle, Dean."

Dean busted out laughing. "Yeah, fair point. Well I'm glad you took pity on my sorry ass."

"It wasn't pity," Cas told Dean, holding open the door for him as they entered the diner. "I just got tired of lying to myself."

"What do you mean?" Dean looked at him curiously. Yet another mystery.

Cas paused, hesitant to say too much. He didn't speak until they were seated at a booth across from each other. "Well… I just mean you were so nice to me and you stood up to Gordon and I didn't properly thank you for that. I didn't want to admit it but that meant a lot."

It wasn't entirely untruthful. It just wasn't the full story. Cas wasn't ready for Dean to know the full story. He didn't know if he ever would be.

Dean nodded. "It's honestly no trouble. Gordon's a dick, and you didn't deserve that."

"I'm just sorry he decided to target you," Cas said quietly, struggling to meet Dean's eyes.

Dean just shrugged. "I have a habit of getting into trouble. I'm sure he would've found a reason to come at me one way or another. Not your fault."

Cas looked at Dean then, wondering what exactly he meant by that. He suspected it went beyond stealing food for his brother and punching cops. There was definitely more to Dean Winchester than he let on, and Cas found himself wanting to know all of it.

"Why'd you try to leave?" Cas asked, something that had been bothering him since that first night.

Dean scratched the back of his head nervously, huffing out a shaky laugh. "Well, uh… I told you about my brother. I just didn't like the idea of leaving him alone with our dad." He was surprised at himself for being so honest, but it felt good.

"Why's that? Is he in danger or something?" Cas looked at Dean with concern. If there was anything he understood, it was looking out for a little sibling.

"Not exactly," Dean said. "Not because of my dad. It's just… I was supposed to look after him. I was supposed to be there to protect him no matter what. And I failed. I couldn't even get food for him. Dad was right to be disappointed, honestly."

Cas eyed him sadly. "Dean," he said earnestly. "It sounds to me like you've spent your whole life being more of a father than a big brother. I think maybe it's time you thought of yourself."

"Well, that's why I stayed," Dean told him quietly. "Because… Because I wanted to."

Cas smiled at him. "Well I'm glad you did."

They went silent for a few moments except to thank the waitress when she brought them their coffee and apple pie. Dean was so relieved to finally be talking to Cas. He wasn't really sure why, but Cas made him want to open up about every dark and evil bit of his past. He made him want to tell him all of it and then leave it all behind to start fresh. He made Dean wish he never had to go back. _Maybe I don't,_ he thought hopefully.

"Dean."

"Huh?"

Cas smiled. "You were kind of just staring into space. What are you thinking?"

Dean froze for a moment. "Uh…" He shook his head and smiled at Cas. "I, uh… I told you about my brother. What about you? Got any siblings?"

Cas shifted uncomfortably and glanced away. "Yeah, I… I do. Three brothers and a sister."

Dean's eyes widened. He thought one brother was a lot to handle. "Damn. How was that growing up?" Suddenly, he noticed Cas seemed uncomfortable with this topic and he frowned. "What's wrong? I'm sorry if that was too personal-"

"No, it's alright," Cas stopped him, offering a small smile. "It's just… family isn't easy for me to talk about. I'm surprised you don't know already."

Dean smiled sheepishly. "Well, Benny might have mentioned something about your dad…"

Cas nodded sadly. "He, uh… he kicked me out. Sonny took me in, no questions asked."

"Do you mind if I ask why?" Dean hedged. "I mean… you don't exactly seem like a troublemaker."

"Well, when your father's a pastor, having a thing for a guy doesn't really go over too well," Cas said quietly, offering Dean a small smile like that was all there was to it. Dean gaped at him.

"That's… that's fucked up," he said, shaking his head. He was only mildly surprised to hear Cas tell him that he was gay, but he was more focused on being pissed off about dads abandoning their kids. "So he kicked you out because you like dudes?"

Cas shrugged. "Not exactly. That was a nail in the coffin but not really what sealed the deal. I told you that Gordon was part of the reason I ended up at Sonny's." He paused, studying Dean's expression. It was a mix of outrage and intrigue, he thought. "There was a party, and Gordon was being his usual self, and I kinda lost it on him… and one of his friends."

Dean frowned. He only ever saw Gordon by himself. "What happened?"

"I beat the guy up pretty bad," Cas admitted quietly, staring at Dean to gauge his reaction. "He's in a coma, I… The doctors don't think he's going to wake up."

Dean's eyes widened in shock. He stared at Cas, his mouth moving wordlessly as he tried to think of what to say. He was surprised, no question, but he didn't want Cas to think he was judging him. If he knew about some of the things Dean had done…

"Cas, I get it," he said, and shook his head. "I mean, I don't _get _it, but I figure you had your reasons. Doesn't make you a bad person or anything."

Cas frowned at Dean, confused. "But… you… you don't think I'm a monster? You're not afraid of me?"

Dean scrunched his chin and squinted his eyes, shaking his head a bit. "No. No way. When Gordon started kicking the shit out of me that night, you put him in his place. Sure it might have gotten out of hand, but I figure you were just protecting… someone."

Cas stared at him silently, and he felt tears come to his eyes. He wiped them away and shook his head. "Dean…"

Dean smiled softly. "You're not scarin' me away that easy, Cas."

Cas didn't say anything else. Dean understood. He didn't run screaming. He didn't hate him. He… didn't know the full truth, but he knew the worst of it. And he was still looking at Cas with that same endearing smile he wore on that first day. Cas didn't really understand it, but he was so relieved it didn't really matter.

Dean was touched that Cas had opened up to him like that. He wasn't expecting so much honesty so soon but he wasn't complaining. He only wanted to learn more. And Dean had a feeling that there was something more to Cas's story. He wouldn't push, not just yet, but he could tell Cas wasn't telling him everything.

* * *

_Cas loved sleep, so he didn't appreciate being woken up at almost midnight. He groaned into his pillow, faintly remembering the sound of a door closing and cursing his neighbors. _

_Well, now that he was awake, he was thirsty. _

_It took him a minute or two to find the will to get up. He climbed out of bed, rubbing his eyes and putting on his sweats and a t-shirt. He walked down the hall and frowned when he noticed Anna's door was open. He peeked inside and felt his heart drop when her bed was empty. Shit. _

_He hurried as quietly as he could downstairs and grabbed the phone from the kitchen. He dialed Balthazar's number. "Please pick up, please pick up…"_

"_Cassie?" Balthazar answered, groggy. "Cas, this better be a booty call 'cuz it is _way _too late-"_

"_Anna," Cas cut in. "It's Anna, she's not home, I think she snuck out."_

"_Well, would you look at that, at least one of you is embracing my rebellious lifestyle!"_

"_Bal, this is serious!" Cas whispered frantically. "If my dad finds out he'll be so pissed. And I don't even know where she's going!"_

"_Alright, alright, calm down," Balthazar said in an easier voice. "When we were walking her to school this morning she was going on and on about how unfair it was that she couldn't go to Hannah's party tonight. She's probably there."_

"_Hanna lives on Elkanah Street, right?"_

"_Before I tell you and you storm off, just chill," Balthazar told him. "We're going to go check on her but I'm sure she's fine, alright? Yes, she lives on Elkanah."_

_Immediately, Cas hung up the phone and grabbed his jacket before hurrying out the front door._

_His heart was racing. _

_Even if, and that was _if, _Anna was okay, they would still get in so much trouble with their father for this. _

_Despite Balthazar's assurances, Cas figured there would be alcohol at this party. Hannah was a nice girl, but a house party with no parents meant alcohol and alcohol plus minors meant _illegal. _Cas couldn't imagine how his father would react if Anna got arrested. Not to mention that she was _fourteen _and high school boys were disgusting._

_He basically sprinted down the street. _

_When Cas finally got to the house he stopped running, catching his breath for a moment. He saw some girls sitting on the porch steps, and he approached them. They were very drunk, and that only worried Cas more. _

"_Have you seen my sister, Anna?" Cas asked._

_One girl shrugged and shook her head. "Nope."_

_The girl next to her spoke up. "Anna's the cute little redhead, right? I saw her earlier. She's inside!"_

_Cas pushed past them and went inside._

_He was immediately met with the pungent mixture of pizza, sweat, and_-dammit-_alcohol._

"_Has anyone seen my sister? Short red-headed girl, way too young to be drinking? Anyone?" Cas pushed through the crowd._

"_Cas!"_

_He looked to his right and saw Hannah waving and smiling at him.  
_"_Hannah!" he gasped, running over to her. "Have you seen my sister?"_

"_Well thanks for the happy birthday," she laughed. "But no I haven't."_

_A girl Cas recognized piped up, "I did! She was over there. She grabbed a drink and then I think she had to go to the bathroom."_

"_Where's the bathroom?"_

"_Upstairs," Hannah answered, pointing. _

_Cas pushed through the crowd again and rushed up the stairs. The bathroom was the first room to the left, and it was empty. _

Fuck.

_A sickening thought occurred to him and he hoped he was wrong. He started checking all the bedrooms, and as he reached the end of the hall he heard it. _

"_Don't be like that, beautiful, I just wanna see you."_

"_No," Anna whimpered. "Please, I don't want to…"_

"_Come on, darlin', I can make you feel so good."_

_Cas almost puked. Seeing red, he shoved through the door. _

"_Cassie?" _

_Cas heard the fear in Anna's voice, saw her jeans around her ankles and Alastair's fingers tucked into her cotton underwear while Gordon held her wrists above her head, and he lost it._

"_You son of a bitch!" Cas cried, lunging at Alastair and knocking him to the ground. He started punching him in the face, over and over and over again. "Don't you touch my sister!"_

"_Whoa, back off dude-"_

_When Gordon tried to pull him off of Alastair, Cas grabbed his arm and twisted it hard. "Get the fuck away from my sister, you son of a bitch!"_

_He shoved Gordon back into the dresser-as Gordon fell back, he held his arm and cried out in pain-and turned back to Alastair as the older boy tried to pull himself to his feet. _

"_What?" Alastair taunted, spitting out blood. "Come on, she liked it."_

_Cas let out a shout and jumped on him again, hitting him and hitting him and hitting him. _

"_Cas!" Anna cried, pulling her legs to her chest where she sat on the bed. "Cassie, wait, stop!"_

_Cas paused and looked up at Anna, eyes wide. He shook his head and brought himself to his feet, the realization of what he'd just done hitting him like a ton of bricks. Alastair was unconscious, Gordon had run out, and Anna had tears streaming down her face. Cas stumbled back a few feet, looking at his bloodied hands and then at Alastair. He was in deep shit._

"_Anna, get out of here," he said, staring at his trembling hands. "Please, go home. I'll take care of this."_

"_Cas-"_

"_Go!"_

_She let out a shaky sob and pulled her pants up, grabbing her jacket and heading towards the door. _

"_Anna!" Balthazar yelled, appearing from the hallway and running into her as she was leaving. _

_She sobbed and wrapped her arms around his chest. "Balthazar," she whimpered, and he hugged her tight as he looked around the room._

"_Cas," he choked out. "What…"_

"_Get Anna out of here," Cas said, not looking up. "Please."_

_Balthazar could hear the way his voice shook and it was terrifying. He swallowed hard and nodded. "I called Charlie," he told Cas. "She's going to take her home. Come on, kid." _

_He shielded Anna as they walked down the stairs. Gordon was in the middle of a crowd of people, and everyone was talking frantically to each other. Thankfully, nobody noticed them slip out. _

"_Is he gonna be in trouble?" Anna asked, wiping the tears from her face as they walked outside. "They were taking my clothes off, I thought…" she trailed off, choking out a sob. Balthazar felt anger surge through him and he wrapped his arm around her tightly._

"_Try not to think about it, okay? You're safe, that's all that matters," he whispered, leading her to Charlie's sister's car. _

_Before letting go of him, Anna glanced back up to the house. _

"_It's gonna be okay," he told her. "I promise. Just go home."_

_She nodded and climbed in the front seat of the car. Charlie shot Balthazar a worried look and he shook his head. She bit her lip and glanced at Anna before driving away._

_Balthazar made his way back into the house. Hannah noticed him walk in and intercepted him before he could get to the stairs._

"_Balthazar, Gordon said we had to call the cops," she told him frantically. "You gotta help us get rid of the alcohol. If my parents know there was drinking I'll be in so much trouble."_

"_I'm sorry," he said, already heading up the stairs. "I'll be down in a second."_

_Running back into the room, he found Cas exactly as he'd left him, staring wide-eyed at his trembling hands. _

"_Cas, we gotta go," he told him, trying to keep his voice calm as he approached Cas. "Cassie?"_

"_Balthazar, I-" The words got caught in his throat and he slowly turned to look at Balthazar. Balthazar swallowed hard when he saw how much blood was on his hands. Shit. _

"_It's gonna be okay," he said, and his voice trembled. He took Cas into his arms. "Anna, she-"_

"_No one can know," Cas said, looking up at him with wide eyes. "I can't… I have to keep her safe. No one can know she was involved. This is on me."_

"_Cas, no-"_

"_Balthazar," Cas pleaded. "Promise me."_

_He hesitated, but looking into Cas's eyes he could never deny him. "I promise." _

* * *

…

Dean felt good. As he walked back to Sonny's with Cas, he couldn't help but think that this was how he was supposed to feel, where he was supposed to be. Cas was finally talking to him, for real, and Dean felt like he meant it this time. He didn't feel like Cas was going to push him away again. He really hoped he wouldn't.

By the time they got back to Sonny's, it was nearly dark. The other boys had already had dinner and they were gathered in the living room playing a board game. In the entryway, Dean paused, looking at Cas and not knowing what to say. He didn't want to make things weird, but he also didn't really want to call it a night just yet.

"You can go play with the others if you want to," Cas said with a light smile.

"Oh," Dean said dumbly, laughing softly at himself. "I, uh… Do you want to? I mean, we can…"

Cas felt his stomach flip and he grinned. "I'm going to go upstairs," he said, pausing and tilting his head at Dean. "You're welcome to join me," he added, and he could've sworn Dean's shoulders sank a little, relieved.

"I guess it's gettin' kinda late," Dean said, yawning and stretching his arms above his head. "I could turn in." _Playing it cool. _

Cas bit his lip. "Alright then."

Dean followed Cas up the stairs, and he _definitely _didn't notice the way his ass looked in those jeans, god_damn-_

Dean cleared his throat, shaking his head once, twice. Cas glanced at him over his shoulder, furrowing his brow.

"You okay, Dean?"

Dean coughed. "Yeah, I… I'm good." He offered Cas a dopey grin and held his hand out. "After you."

Dean followed Cas to the bedroom, his face heating up. He must have caught some sort of bug. That had to be it.

As they made themselves comfortable in their respective beds, Dean couldn't help but think of when he held Cas after a nightmare. He didn't think Cas had any idea what that had meant to him. Without Sam… he didn't have anyone left to take care of. No one that needed him. Not that he thought Cas _needed _him or anything, but in that moment he needed someone and Dean was there. Dean found himself wishing he could always be there when Cas needed comforting.

"Dean?"

"Huh?" Dean looked up, pulled from his thoughts by Cas's voice.

Cas laughed softly. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Dean smiled. "'Course I'm okay." He hesitated, unsure if he wanted to say what he was about to say. "Cas, I…"

Cas frowned when Dean didn't continue. "Yes?"

"I… Well, I'm glad you're talking to me," Dean admitted, clearing his throat and not meeting Cas's eyes. "It sucked when you wouldn't," he mumbled.

Cas bit his lip, staring at Dean for a long while. He wasn't sure what to say. It wasn't easy to explain why he had ignored Dean.

He couldn't very well tell Dean that every time they spoke he wished Dean was closer, touching, more. Sure, Dean knew he was gay now and he hadn't flipped out, but if he knew the extent of Cas's feelings he might change his mind. Cas didn't have a clue what he was doing. He was still trying to come to terms with the whole thing, and then Dean Winchester dropped into his life and it was all too much at once. It had taken him so long to accept that he was attracted to boys, but now he had _feelings, _deeper _feelings, _for a very specific boy and it was all new.

Besides, he definitely didn't think Dean was gay. He was not that lucky.

"I'm sorry," he eventually said, quiet. "I guess I was just afraid you'd think I was some sort of freak. Everyone else does."

Dean met his eyes again. Cas had no idea how perfectly Dean understood exactly what that felt like. "I've met some pretty freaky folks," Dean said, the corner of his mouth pulling up in a half smile. "And you don't really strike me as the type."

Cas stared at him, baffled. Who was this Dean Winchester boy and where the _hell _did he come from? Cas decided he desperately wanted to find out.

"So you told me about your brother," Cas said tentatively, smoothing out the nonexistent wrinkles in his jeans as Dean laid down on his side, propped up on his arm and facing Cas. "I take it you two are close?"

Dean smiled, a little sad. "Yeah, like this," he said, holding his hand up and twisting two fingers together. "He's just about all I've got for family."

"What about your parents?"

Dean's gaze shifted around and he looked just past Cas's eyes. "My dad is, uh… It's complicated. He does the best he can but… He's not around much. I can't really explain it."

"What about your mom?"

Dean met Cas's gaze and swallowed thickly, mouth falling open slightly. "She… She died when I was four."

Cas felt his gut clench. "I… I'm so sorry." After a brief pause, he said quietly, "My mom died when I was eight. Cancer." Dean looked away, a slightly bitter smile gracing his face. Cas didn't really know what to make of his expression. "How did your mom die?" he asked gently.

"Not cancer," Dean said, closing his eyes and turning to lie on his back. He definitely couldn't tell Cas the truth. He would never believe him anyways. Still, the way Cas was looking at him, so kind and so sad, he wanted to give him some sort of answer that wasn't a lie. "She, uh… There was a fire. In my brother's nursery. I got Sammy out of there, but she…" Dean trailed off, the words getting caught in his throat. He felt a single tear trail onto his cheek. He cleared his throat and wiped the salty line away. "She didn't make it."

"So that's why you feel like you've gotta protect him," Cas said softly, understanding even though he didn't even know the half of it. Dean looked back at him, and he couldn't say a word. He simply nodded, swallowed hard, watched as Cas looked at him. Dean didn't recognize that look. He couldn't quite place it.

They both went quiet for a bit, not really sure where to go from there. After a while, Dean couldn't take the silence anymore. He sat up with a grunt and smiled at Cas. "Alright, enough of this depressing crap. Wanna play some cards?"

Cas returned the smile. "Uh, sure. I haven't played in quite some time."

"Oh, this is gonna be fun," Dean told him, slapping on a cocky grin and grabbing a deck of cards (courtesy of Sonny) from his nightstand. "I'll deal."

…

Cas went to school smiling the next day, something he didn't usually do. He was talking to Dean and Dean was talking to him, and he couldn't help but kick himself for wasting so much effort pushing Dean away. It was good, and Cas was happy.

Just so long as he didn't think about it too much.

He didn't think about it when he found an empty seat next to Dean in their first class of the day. He usually sat with Balthazar and Charlie but this thing with Dean was new and exciting and all he could think about was being close to him.

"Uh, hey Cas," Dean greeted. He smiled, surprised, and stared at Cas for a minute before speaking again. "Something wrong with you usual seat?"

Cas shook his head, smiling. "Nope. Just thought I'd sit next to my new friend." A beat, and then, panicked, "That is, if that's okay, I mean."

Dean chuckled lightly. "'Course it's okay, Cas. Hell, I'm sure not complainin'."

Cas's face flushed against his will and he laughed softly, a little breathless. "Well alright then."

After class was over, Dean even walked him to his next class before heading to his own. Cas's heart skipped a beat when Dean laid a hand on his shoulder and patted it lightly before he was on his way.

Cas shared his last class before lunch with Charlie, a fact that he was beyond grateful for. If it wasn't for her, he would spend a lot more time completely lost, especially since their _computer tech _teacher was 60 years old and could barely turn her computer on. But Charlie was a natural. She was so good that, in 8th grade, she was nearly expelled when she wrote her final paper on how it was actually _super _easy to hack into the school records system. Of course, she had to provide a demonstration to prove her point.

The only reason she wasn't expelled was because the essay won some sort of scholarly award and the school didn't want a controversy on their hands. She was given a very stern warning and that was that.

Not to mention Charlie made class about a thousand times more entertaining.

"Cas, click this button," Charlie whispered to him, nudging his shoulder and grinning mischievously.

Hey eyed her warily but clicked the button. A very loud sound erupted from the teacher's desk, something like a game show "INCORRECT" buzzer. Charlie covered her mouth to stifle her giggles and Cas couldn't help but join her.

"How did you do that?"

"I have no idea what on earth you could be referring to, Cassie," she shrugged innocently.

"Miss Bradbury!"

"Yes, Ms. Carter?" Charlie called sweetly.

"What did you do to my computer?" Ms. Carter asked in a shrill tone, clicking random buttons in an effort to make it stop. Charlie discreetly tapped a button on her keyboard and the computer went back to normal.

"I don't know what you mean," she replied, smiling back at the teacher.

Ms. Carter huffed. "Oh, I'll never understand these contraptions," she muttered under her breath.

Charlie looked at Cas and smiled slyly. "And that's the perfect cover."

A few minutes later the bell rang to dismiss them and Charlie grabbed Cas by the arm as they walked to lunch together. He kept glancing over his shoulder, and Charlie nudged him. "What are ya lookin' for?"

Cas looked back at her and shook his head. "Uh, nothing. No one. I wasn't looking."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "You're thinking about Dean." It wasn't a question.

Cas didn't say anything. She saw right through him and he knew it. Of course he was thinking about Dean, how could he not? It was impossible not to think about the way Dean's green eyes sparkled and lit up when he smiled, or the way he laughed with his entire being, or the way he touched Cas so gently when he was concerned…

This was _exactly _why Cas didn't like thinking about it too hard. He got carried away and it was hard to come back down.

"It's okay, Cas," Charlie told him with a light-hearted laugh. "You like him. That's not a crime."

Cas shrugged. "I don't know how I feel," he said, and he knew it didn't sound very convincing. "Besides, we're just now becoming friends. And I seriously doubt he sees me like that. I saw him flirting with Robin a lot the past couple days."

Charlie rolled her eyes. "Well, first of all, it's _Robin _and you know she still has a thing for you. And second of all, I didn't see him flirting with anyone but you during class today."

Cas flushed. "He wasn't-"

"Believe what you want, but I can see it," Charlie cut him off. "He likes you. He probably doesn't even realize it yet but he does. And you like him."

Cas _really_ hated that she was right all the time.

"Shit, incoming," Charlie said, her tone shifting immediately. "Masters on your right."

Cas tensed and instinctively looked to where Charlie was nodding to. He accidentally met eyes with the one and only Meg Masters and his heart clenched painfully. Meg glared daggers at him and Cas looked away,

"Cas."

He startled and looked back at Charlie. He didn't even realize they had stopped walking. He was leaning against a wall for support and his breathing was shaky.

"Cas, are you alright?" Charlie was looking at him worriedly and Cas closed his eyes, trying to stop his hands from shaking. Meg still hated him. He already knew that, sure, but every time he was reminded of it the guilt hit him all over again. Sometimes he forgot that Anna wasn't the only one to lose a brother that night…

"Cas?"

His eyes flew open when he heard that gruff, concerned voice approaching him, and he felt a hand on his shoulder. He leaned into it just a bit.

"Cas, you okay?" Dean asked, his forehead wrinkling up with worry.

"Dean-"

"Just a dizzy spell," Charlie spoke up, smiling tightly.

Cas nodded. "Yeah. Dizzy spell. I'm alright."

Dean looked skeptical but nodded once. "Okay. You need to go to the nurse or something?"

Cas smiled a bit. He was touched that Dean was so concerned, but he didn't really know how to explain that he almost passed out because someone looked at him funny.

"I'm alright, Dean," he promised, steadying himself and standing up straight. "I'm hungry."

"I'm, uh, gonna go find Balthazar," Charlie said, giving Cas a knowing look. Cas went bright red but before he had time to protest Charlie was gone and he was alone with Dean. Well, alone in the middle of a busy school hallway, but still.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Dean asked once more, and Cas laughed softly. It actually felt really good to have Dean worrying about him.

"I promise, I'm fine," he said. As they continued towards the lunch room, Cas felt Dean place a steadying, worried hand on his back between his shoulder blades. It was nice.

Dean walked with Cas all the way through the lunch line as they got their food. He didn't totally believe Cas when he said he was fine, so he wanted to keep an eye on him just in case.

He faltered, however, when he saw Cas was walking towards Balthazar and Charlie. He wasn't stupid. He could tell Balthazar was protective and he could tell he didn't like Dean. "Cas, maybe I should-"

"It's fine, you can sit with us," Cas told him, smiling. Dean's hand was resting on his elbow. He hadn't stopped touching him, in some way or another, since he'd found him in the hallway. Cas wasn't sure why that was, but he wasn't complaining. "Come on, they won't bite."

Dean mumbled something about how he'd heard that one before but followed Cas anyway. He sat down awkwardly between Cas and Charlie, and Balthazar was on the other side of Cas.

"Hey guys!" Robin joined them a moment later, and Dean was grateful to her for breaking the silence. "Coach Bell posted the list for the wrestling team," she said excitedly, looking at Cas and Dean. "You guys made it!"

Cas grinned and looked at Dean. "Well, I guess you're not bad for a rookie."

Dean made a face at him. "Maybe if I'd known I was up against the reigning champ," he laughed. "I wasn't ready."

"Excuses, excuses," Cas shook his head.

"God, get a room," Balthazar mumbled, and Charlie kicked him under the table. "Ow!"

Cas looked at Balthazar, confused. "What was that?"

"Nothing," Balthazar told him, slipping into a cool smile. "Happy for you, Cassie."

Cas grinned. "Thanks, Bal."

Dean didn't miss the way Balthazar glared at him coldly. He didn't think he was even meant to see it, but he did. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Hey, uh, Benny mentioned he had a few questions about an assignment," Dean told Cas, smiling apologetically. "I forgot I told him I'd help him out at lunch."

Cas couldn't help but feel disappointed, but he smiled at Dean. "Okay. I'll see you later."

"Sure thing," Dean said, smiling at him as he stood up. As he turned and headed towards where Benny was sitting, Cas didn't realize he was staring.

"What're ya lookin at, Cas?" Charlie teased with a knowing smirk.

Cas shook out of his daze and looked at Charlie like a deer in headlights. "Uh, nothing. Not looking at anything."

"Whatever you say, Cas," she drawled, rolling her eyes.

Okay so maybe Cas was staring at Dean's… Well, everything. But honestly, could anyone really blame him for that? Dean was unfairly handsome, and everything about him left Cas breathless. Maybe he wasn't ready to admit that his feelings for Dean were something more than that, but he could only deny his attraction to Dean for so long. Whatever else he may or may not have felt for Dean, he knew one thing for sure.

If Dean kept touching him all the time like he just had, Cas was going to lose his fucking mind.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Balthazar officially hated chemistry.

He had thought their last class of every day was going to be their time together. Walk to class together, share inside jokes in knowing glances across the room, walk home together after the bell rang. But Dean had to barge in and ruin the whole deal.

Balthazar wanted to be happy for Cas, really, but he didn't understand how Cas couldn't see Dean for the two-timing player he was. He saw the way he flirted with Robin in first period, only to turn it around and flirt with Cas all through last. It was disgusting. It wasn't right. He was only going to break Cassie's heart, and who would be there to pick up the pieces? Balthazar would. He always was.

But Cas couldn't see it. He stared at Dean and smiled at him like he held the world, and Dean simply didn't deserve that kind of devotion from Cas. Castiel Novak was everything. He was kind and funny and he deserved nothing less than the best. And that wasn't Dean.

The bell rang and Cas walked with Dean into the hall. He turned and smiled when he saw Balthazar. "Hey, wrestling practice today. I'll see you later at Charlie's."

Balthazar nodded, forcing a smile. "See ya, Cas."

Cas waved to him and turned to walk in the opposite direction with Dean.

"Ready for me to pin your ass?" Dean asked, smirking.

Cas scoffed and looked at him, incredulous. "Says the one who was on the mat after thirty seconds at try-outs."

Dean grinned, shrugging. "I was goin' easy on ya. I didn't know you were the freakin' reigning champ. So not fair."

"Not my fault you couldn't handle it," Cas said, nudging his shoulder.

"Today's a new day," Dean told him. Cas couldn't figure out if his confidence was more amusing or arousing.

He shoved that thought into the back of his mind. _Not arousing, Novak. Definitely not arousing._

When they got to the gym, the coach had them change into shorts and t-shirts.

After the coach's speech about the integrity of wrestling and all that, everyone split up into pairs, and Dean and Cas found themselves an empty mat. As it turned out, Dean _had _been going easy on him before. First round, he pinned him like it was nothing. Dean was strong and he wasn't as inexperienced as Cas had thought. It was very… amusing.

With a cocky grin, Dean stood and held his hand out for Cas after he tapped out. "Now who can't handle it?"

Determination flashed in Cas's eyes and he grabbed Dean's hand, pulling himself to his feet. "Let's go again."

"If you insist."

They got into position and circled around each other for a moment, waiting for an opening. When Dean went for it, Cas flipped him around and pinned him face down on the mat. Dean felt Cas leaning over him, holding his arms immobile, and he lost focus for a second. He could feel Cas's breath on his neck and he closed his eyes. The coach's whistle from across the room snapped him out of it and he rolled Cas over until he had him pinned on his back. Cas grunted and struggled but Dean had it. He tapped the mat.

"Told ya, today's a new day," Dean said with a grin, letting him up. "That's two-zero me."

"Looks like you might have some competition here, Cas," said the coach as he approached them. "Winchester, right?"

Dean looked up at the man and nodded. "Yes, sir. Dean Winchester."

"You've got talent, Dean," he said, clapping him on the shoulder before turning to the rest of the class and blowing his whistle loudly. "Alright boys, time for business! No more playtime."

For the rest of practice, Dean couldn't stop thinking about what the coach said. He'd never been good for much besides shooting up monsters and being bait and taking care of Sammy. But apparently he was pretty good at wrestling. Maybe he even had some _talent. _He could win the team a trophy and then what would his dad say? Maybe he'd tell him he'd done a good job. Maybe he'd even tell him he was proud.

Dean smiled at the thought. He was going to be the best damn wrestler this school had ever seen. That would show his dad.

As practice was wrapping up, Dean's focus was drawn to Cas. The boy was smiling and helping his opponent back to his feet. When coach called it a day, the boys flocked towards the locker rooms and Cas pulled his t-shirt off to wipe sweat from his face. Dean's swallowed thickly, licking his dry lips and watching the boy's fingers comb through his hair. Watching sweat drip down his chest, his stomach, and into the waistband of his shorts…

Dean choked on a breath and shook his head. Coming back to reality, he prayed his… excitement wasn't too visible through his shorts.

What the _hell _was that?

…

"Hey, Dean!" Dean startled at Cas's voice as the boy caught up with him outside the gym. He smiled at the boy, cursing the heat rising on his cheeks. He couldn't figure out this effect Cas seemed to have on him. "You heading back to Sonny's?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I've got some homework. You?"

"I'm going to study with Charlie and Balthazar," Cas told him. Their shoulders brushed as they walked and Dean really hoped that Cas would blame his flushed cheeks on the wrestling drills. "I'll be out until six or so. I was thinking… maybe we could play some more cards later? The other night kinda made me realize I don't have a clue what I'm doing." Cas laughed, embarrassed, and the only word Dean could think to describe it was _adorable. _

"Sure," Dean said, then cleared his throat when it came out a little too enthusiastic. "I mean, yeah… I, uh… Sure." _Wow. Very smooth. _Doing his best to school his features, he smirked at Cas. "If you're gonna learn, might as well learn from the best."

Cas squinted at him, smiling curiously. "How _did _you get so good at poker?"

Dean shrugged, a half smile tugging at his lips. "Ah, Cassie, I can't tell you all my secrets. What's the fun in that?"

Cas felt his cheeks heat up when Dean used the nickname. He was so used to it with Balthazar and Charlie, but Dean… Something about the way Dean said it. He couldn't put a word to exactly how it made him feel.

Dean's expression shifted into a frown, almost apologetic. "I, uh… I didn't mean- If the nickname is too much, I- I'm sorry…"

Cas laughed. "It's alright, Dean. I like it," he told him with a small smile.

Dean relaxed and his smile was back, which Cas noted in relief. "Good. That's, uh… that's good."

They walked to the end of the block before Cas paused. "I'm heading this way," he said, gesturing vaguely. "I'll see you later, Dean."

Dean nodded, clearing his throat. His hand fumbled awkwardly for a moment before settling on the back of his neck. "Yeah. See ya later, Cas."

They parted ways, Dean heading towards Sonny's and Cas heading to Charlie's house.

Cas never stopped smiling as he walked. He couldn't believe he'd wasted his time ignoring Dean when he could've been enjoying his friendship. Dean had such a nice smile, and an even nicer laugh. His eyes lit up and for a moment he didn't look so… weighed down. Cas could tell he carried some sort of weight on his shoulders, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. But when he was around Cas, that weight seemed to disappear, or at least lighten a bit. It made Cas feel warm and giddy that he could chase Dean's demons away, even if just for a while.

Dean also got all flustered around him. Cas couldn't figure out why, but he did notice that he acted differently when others were around. He flirted with Robin like it was as easy as breathing, and he joked around with Benny, Chuck, and Ash like they'd been childhood buds. But for some reason, when he was talking to Cas, Dean's smooth and careful demeanor seemed to slip away.

The whole thing gave Cas a (very dangerous) sense of hope. Maybe Charlie was right. Maybe Dean _did _like him. And maybe Cas liked him back. And maybe Cas was getting _way _ahead of himself, but he felt giddy and jumpy and fluttery in a way he had never experienced and he actually liked it.

Cas was terrified. But he also hadn't felt this excited about anything for almost as long as he could remember.

At Charlie's house, Balthazar met him at the door to let him in. He chuckled softly when he saw the grin on Cas's face. "Damn, Cassie, I don't remember you loving wrestling practice so much."

Cas's cheeks burned a brighter red and he ducked his head, laughing bashfully. "Wrestling was fun. But that's not why I'm smiling."

"Oh yeah?" Balthazar smiled. Whatever made Cas happy, Balthazar couldn't possibly argue with it. "What's the dopey grin for, then?"

Cas kept his gaze on the floor as he followed Balthazar into the kitchen. "Dean," he said softly. His cheeks ached as his grin spread wider across his face.

Balthazar tried to keep his expression in check even as his heart sank. Why the hell was he smiling so much for _Dean? _

"I thought you guys weren't really talking," Balthazar said, taking a seat at the kitchen table.

Cas sat across from him and bit his lip, still smiling. "We weren't. But we got coffee the other day and now… I don't know, it's like a switch flipped. It's different. He's different…"

Balthazar wrinkled his nose. He couldn't help it. He was about to say something he'd probably regret when Charlie came back from the bathroom.

"Who's different?" she asked.

Balthazar folded his arms over his chest and leaned back, working his jaw and trying to bite his tongue.

"Dean is," Cas told Charlie. "I… I think so, at least."

Charlie smiled at him. Her smile faltered a bit when she noticed Balthazar's demeanor. She could tell he was uncomfortable with the topic, but she had to be happy for Cas. Ugh, she hated secrets.

Taking a seat between the two boys, Charlie focused her attention on Cas and grinned. "So you took my advice," she said, a mix of excitement and '_I-told-you-so_.' "I told you it would all be fine once you just talked to the guy."

"I wasn't going to," Cas admitted. "But since try-outs… We've just been talking and… I don't know, it's just been so easy. It's like we've known each other forever or something."

Balthazar's head snapped up at Cas's words, and his heart _ached. _Cas met Dean barey 3 weeks ago. Balthazar had known Cas since they were in _preschool, _and Dean got to waltz in acting like he knew everything? Bullshit. Balthazar knew Cas better than anyone else. No one could take that from them.

"That's great, Cassie," Charlie said, snapping Balthazar out of his thoughts.

"Yeah," Balthazar choked out. "That's good." Then, in a low mumble not really meant for anyone but himself, "Just don't get too attached."

But Cas heard him. His smile fell and Balthazar winced, kicking himself. "What do you mean, Bal?"

"Nothing," Balthazar shrugged, running a hand through his hair and sitting up. "Nothing at all. Let's study, shall we?"

…

After they finished studying, Balthazar walked Cas home like he always did. He knew Cas could take care of himself, but he always felt better seeing for himself that Cas made it home safe.

"Hey, Balth?"

"Yeah, Cas?" Balthazar met his eyes, which was a mistake.

"Why don't you like Dean?" Cas asked, and Balthazar hated that look because he could never lie to Cas when he stared at him with those deep, searching eyes.

"Cas, I…"

"I know you don't like him," Cas said, stubborn. "Don't deny it. What I don't understand is why."

Balthazar sighed and looked ahead of them as they walked. "It's not that I don't like _him, _per se," he started. "I guess I just worry about you is all."

Cas frowned, confused. "Why would you worry about me?"

"Because… you don't know him, Cas," he continued, trying to make Cas understand without having to say the words. "We don't know anything about him."

"I do," Cas said softly, frowning at the sidewalk. "But what's the harm in being his friend? We're just… talking."

"It's just that I know the type," Balthazar said, getting frustrated. Why couldn't Cas see it?

"What does that _mean, _Bal?" Cas asked again, almost pleading.

"I just don't want you to get hurt, Cas!" Balthazar snapped, and they stopped walking. Cas looked at him, studying his face carefully.

"I can take care of myself," Cas said slowly. "What are you so worried about? Dean and I are just talking. We're friends."

"I just… he…" Balthazar couldn't form the words. It wasn't like he was jealous, he just saw through Dean's act. He didn't want his best friend to get hurt. That's all. "I just don't want you to get hurt," he repeated in a whisper, looking down at the ground.

Cas's expression softened into a sad smile and he put his hand on Balthazar's arm. "I'm okay, Bal. I promise. No one's hurting me."

Balthazar sighed and met his eyes again. "I… I'm sorry. I'm just so used to keeping you safe," he told Cas, a small smile tugging at his lips. Smirking, he added, "Someone's gotta look out for your dumbass self."

Cas laughed and punched his shoulder. "Rude," he said, smiling. Balthazar couldn't help but smile back. As long as Cas was smiling, Balthazar really couldn't complain about very much at all.

Dean was sitting up against his headboard, twirling his knife between his fingers, when he heard something outside. He pocketed his knife and padded over to the window to see Cas and Balthazar standing on the grass.

"See ya later, Cassie," the taller boy said, and Cas smiled and hugged him.

"Goodnight, Balthazar."

Dean's stomach twisted when Cas hugged Balthazar tightly and didn't let go for a long moment. He couldn't help but thing… He'd thought they were just friends, but what if…?

Dean shook the thought from his head and returned to his bed. He was back to twirling his knife when Cas walked in the room. Dean looked up and smiled at him, relieved when Cas smiled back.

"Hey, didn't hear ya come in," he said lightly, still moving the knife through his fingers gracefully.

Cas hummed in response and made his way to his bed with a yawn. "I just got back." He paused, discarding his shoes at the foot of the bed. He watched Dean for a moment, mesmerized by the movement of the knife and Dean's skilled fingers. "Where'd you learn to do that?"

Dean glanced at his hand and stopped, closing the knife and clutching it in his fist. He almost looked embarrassed, Cas thought, though he couldn't imagine why. It was a neat trick.

"Just an old habit," Dean shrugged. "Helps me think."

Cas nodded. He didn't think he would get more of an answer on that. Yet another mystery from Dean's past. "So, you were going to teach me to play cards," he changed the subject with a grin.

"I did say that," Dean said, smiling and grabbing his deck of cards from the nightstand drawer. He sat cross-legged at the head of his bed and gestured for Cas to sit in the empty space across from him, to which Cas obliged. "Really it just comes down to practice. And learning how to read people."

Cas nodded. He could do that. He was pretty sure he was learning how to read Dean more and more. Maybe deciphering his poker face in actual poker would help him understand Dean a bit better outside the game.

Unfortunately, Cas was still terrible at poker. No matter how well he thought he could read Dean, he still didn't know what the hell he was doing.

Laughing, Dean gathered the cards up and started shuffling them. "I've never said this to anyone, but I think you may be a lost cause," he said, grinning when Cas glared at him. "And I don't usually teach poker, I just kick ass at poker."

"Maybe you're just a terrible teacher, then," Cas teased, smirking.

Dean laughed, shaking his head. "Maybe," he said. He smiled at Cas, momentarily pausing his card shuffling. He kinda loved that teasing glint in Cas's eyes, playful and mischievous.

Realizing he was staring, Dean blinked his eyes a few times and looked down at the cards, laughing softly. "So while you were doing your study group thing, Sonny suggested a day at the lake this weekend. It's probably the last bit of nice weather for the year."

"That sounds like fun," Cas said, smiling at the flush on Dean's cheeks. What was he being so damn bashful about?

"He mentioned Saturday," Dean added, swallowing and meeting Cas's eyes. Then it occurred to him. "Damn, I don't have a swimsuit," he said. "The lake is a lot less fun if I'm stuck on the beach the whole time…"

"I have an extra," Cas blurted out before he could stop himself. "You, uh… You can borrow it. If you want." Cas tried really hard not to think about Dean wearing his clothes. It made his stomach all fluttery and warm in a way he wasn't used to.

The thought of wearing Cas's clothes, his _swim shorts _no less, had Dean speechless for a solid minute. It felt… Well, Dean didn't really know what it felt like. He did know that it sent his stomach twisting up into knots; whether that was good or bad, he didn't know.

_It's not a big deal, _he told himself. They were friends, they wore about the same size of shorts, and Dean needed something to wear to the lake. It was innocent enough. Why wouldn't it be?

Realizing he'd gone silent, Dean cleared his throat and smiled awkwardly at Cas. "Thanks. Yeah, that's great."

"Great!" Cas exclaimed, grinning, and there was that twisting and tugging in Dean's gut again. Dean had really grown to love that smile. That bright, toothy, squinty-eyed grin that could only get more perfect when paired with that adorable laugh of his. Dean loved every bit of it. He especially loved being the cause of said smile and laugh. "Dean?"

Snapping out of his thoughts, Dean looked at Cas, wide-eyed. "Huh?"

Cas laughed, as if he knew what had Dean so distracted, damn him. "I said, do you want to try on the shorts, make sure they fit?"

Dean cursed the heat rising on his cheeks. Why was he like this?

"Um, sure," he said eloquently. "How 'bout tomorrow? I'm pretty beat."

"Oh," Cas said, looking at his alarm clock and frowning. "I guess it's getting pretty late."

At that moment, Dean turned to look when he heard the door open and saw the other boys walk in the room. It was about time for lights out.

"Hey, love birds," Benny drawled, smirking at the flustered looks on both their faces. "If you're talking wedding plans, may I suggest sunflowers?"

"Oh, I love sunflowers," Chuck chimed in. "One of the most underrated flowers if you ask me."

"Ha ha, boys," Dean said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head to hide his embarrassment. "Hilarious."

"It's part of my charm," Benny said with a cheeky grin.

Dean scoffed. "Whatever," he mumbled. He shed his shirt so he was wearing just his sweatpants, feeling an unexpected sense of disappointment set in when Cas wordlessly returned to his own bed. He frowned slightly as he laid down and pulled the blankets up to his waist.

Cas was opening up to him more and more, and Dean was soaking it all in, but as soon as they weren't alone, his walls went up. Although, he couldn't really blame Cas for that. He did the same thing.

Maybe Dean just needed to make an effort to be more open, and Cas would reciprocate. A day at the lake, carefree and low pressure, sounded like the perfect time to give the whole open honesty thing a try.

…

Sonny woke the boys early on Saturday morning, about 8 a.m., and they loaded everything into the truck and left after breakfast. Dean was beyond excited. He'd never been able to do anything like this. Kayaks, water guns, PB&J sandwiches in a cooler for lunch… It was all so domestic and _normal. _Add that to the fact that he was doing all of it with _friends_? Actual, real, _normal _friends? Well the whole thing was damn near perfect.

(The only thing that would make it more perfect was if Sammy could also have this normal, happy life, but Dean didn't want to think about that right now. He was enjoying being a little selfish.)

Gordon had opted to stay home, a fact that both Dean and Cas were grateful for. Still, it was a tight fit with Benny sitting in the front seat and the other 4 boys crammed in the back seat of Sonny's truck. Dean sat between Cas and the door, with Chuck and Ash sitting on Cas's other side. As uncomfortable as the arrangement was, Dean couldn't complain much that he was damn near sitting in Cas's lap. Cas was warm and sturdy and Dean couldn't help but notice that this was the most physical contact they'd shared since the day they met. It was… well, Dean felt like he was going crazy, but it was nice.

Cas had one arm awkwardly draped over the back of the seat, very deliberately _not _around Dean's shoulders even though that would probably be more comfortable. He felt warm and buzzing everywhere that he and Dean were touching. It was all Cas could do not to grab him by the waist and tug him fully onto his lap and-

_Wait, what? _Cas suppressed a small, strangled noise, trying to steady his racing heart. Dean was his _friend. _He couldn't be thinking like that. If Dean knew, it would chase him away for sure…

"I didn't really take you for a contortionist," Dean said softly, glancing at him with a nervous smile. Ash and Chuck were too busy fighting for personal space to notice them.

Cas's eyes widened a bit and he cleared his throat. "Pardon?"

Dean laughed, breathless and barely there, and averted his gaze for a moment. He found the guts to look at Cas again and said, "Your arm. That, uh… doesn't look very comfortable."

"It's… I'm… I mean, it's… it's not," Cas finally managed with a sheepish smile.

Dean smiled at him and settled back against the seat a bit, watching him expectantly. Cas swallowed and inched his arm down until it was slung over Dean's shoulders. They stared at each other for a moment, smiling timidly, before Dean tore his gaze away and turned his head to look out the window at the passing trees.

Even as he looked away, though, he leaned back into Cas's chest. His shoulders relaxed and Cas, in a moment of bold bravery, wrapped his hand around Dean's bicep and squeezed ever so gently.

And if the other boys noticed, well, they simply decided that Dean and Cas deserved a moment of peace.

…

They reached the lake in about 20 minutes, and the boys hopped out of the truck almost before Sonny even came to a full stop.

Dean and Cas lingered for just a moment, neither of them quite ready to separate. After a minute, Dean reluctantly sat up, smiling at Cas. "Shall we?" he offered weakly.

Cas nodded and they climbed out of the truck, going to help Sonny unload the kayaks. There were two, and Benny called dibs on the first one before anyone could even think about it. While Ash and Chuck were fighting for the second seat, Dean laughed and looked at Cas, nodding towards the other kayak.

"Wanna help me get this thing in the water?" he asked, shedding his shirt and tossing it in the backseat of the truck.

"Uh, sure," Cas agreed, trying not to stare and failing. He followed Dean's lead, shedding his shirt and then grabbing one end of the kayak. They got the thing in the water and Dean climbed in enthusiastically. As Dean picked up the oars, he looked at Cas who was still standing on the sand.

"You comin' in?" he asked with a boyish smile.

Taking a deep breath, Cas nodded and followed Dean's lead once again. This was definitely a bad idea, he thought. But the grin on Dean's face when Cas joined him in the kayak made it really, really hard for him to care about anything else.

Dean handed Cas one of the oars and attempted to steer the boat away from the shore, but he was struggling. Cas laughed and pushed his oar through the water a few times until they were drifting on the gentle waves a few feet out from the beach.

"Have you never been kayaking before?" he asked Dean with an amused smile. His eyes widened a bit when Dean shook his head sheepishly. "Wait, really? I definitely would've thought of you as the outdoorsy type."

Dean huffed out a soft laugh. "Well, that's not exactly untrue. But more in the hunting kinda way."

"Ohhh," Cas said in realization. "That makes sense. Well here, let me show you." He situated his double-sided oar across himself and began paddling farther from shore. "You just alternate strokes like this to move in a straight line. And keep it to one side to turn."

Dean watched carefully, a grin spreading across his face again. "Well that doesn't look too hard." He gave it a try, timing his strokes with Cas's, and then they were moving easily. Dean laughed happily. "Well would ya look at that?"

They continued paddling until they were pretty far out but still just in view of the others. After a few minutes, they gave it a rest and let the kayak rock with the gentle rhythm of the water. Cas turned around from the front seat to face Dean.

"You're a natural," he said, grinning, and Dean laughed.

"Yeah, looks that way," Dean said. "It's nice. It's… relaxing."

"A lot calmer than hunting, I would imagine," Cas said lightly.

Dean huffed out a surprised laugh. "You have no idea." He turned and strapped the oar to the back of the kayak, then leaned back against the side of the plastic vessel. "I never got to do anything like this as a kid," he admitted.

Cas looked at him carefully, slightly confused by the wistful look that the confession put on Dean's face. "Why's that?"

Dean shrugged. "Other stuff just kinda took priority. Family stuff." He glanced at Cas, saw him about to withdraw and not push any further, and before he could stop himself he continued, "My dad, he… Well, he always wanted me to go into the family business. It's all I've ever known. There wasn't really time for anything else."

"What does your dad do?" Cas asked, leaning in a bit closer to Dean, intrigued.

"He's…" Dean hesitated. "He's a mechanic. Taught me everything I know."

Cas nodded. He could understand pressure from a father at least. "Did you ever think of doing something else?"

"I…" Dean frowned. He couldn't ever admit just how much he'd thought of it. His dad would be so disappointed. But… he didn't think Cas would be. Maybe Cas would understand. "All the time," he said softly, for the first time in his life, and he closed his eyes to fight the damned tears that threatened to drown him. "I wish to god I could do something else."

Cas heard the crack in Dean's voice and it tugged at his heart painfully. "Well…" He frowned. He wanted to make Dean feel better, but he didn't really know how. Still, he wanted to try. "Well you're here now," he said carefully. "And he's not. Maybe you can finally do what makes you happy. You can do what you want to do with your life."

Dean opened his eyes, cursing the single tear that escaped down his cheek, and looked at Cas. "You really think so?" he asked shifting closer to Cas. No one had ever really bothered with what _he _wanted to do.

"Well, why not?" Cas shrugged, smiling softly. "What's stopping you if your dad isn't around?"

Dean let out a shaky breath and he couldn't take his eyes away from Cas. "I… I guess nothing," he said after a long moment. "Nothing at all."

Only then did the two boys realize just how close together they were. Their hands were a centimeter from touching and their faces were only inches apart. Cas couldn't breathe as Dean inched even closer…

And suddenly Dean pulled back, clearing his throat and not meeting Cas's eyes. "Uh, sorry," he murmured. "Personal space."

_To hell with personal space_, Cas thought, then chastised himself. Dean was right. That was… dangerous. A line Cas knew he couldn't uncross once he crossed it. "Right," he said, still watching Dean intently.

"Hey, uh…" Dean spoke hesitantly, running a hand through his hair and still not looking at Cas. "You, um… You too, ya know."

Cas frowned, confused. "What?"

"You could do what you want to do," Dean clarified. "What makes you happy. Just so ya know." Then, quietly, "He can't say a damn thing about what you do anymore."

"Yeah," Cas nodded, smiling sadly. "That's pretty good advice."

Dean chuckled, shaking his head. "Yeah, it is. Advice we both 'oughta take."

"_Hey, you crazy kids, stop making out and get back over here!"_

They both looked in the direction of Ash's voice and laughed.

"I guess we should see what he wants," Cas said.

Dean turned back to look at him again remembered why he'd been refusing to look at Cas for the last minute or so. In spite of his efforts, his focus was drawn to Cas's bare chest, spattered with shining water droplets that made trails from his shoulders to his abdomen. Even as he attempted to meet Cas's gaze again, his attention fixed on Cas's lips. They looked soft and warm and Dean thought that if the other boys assumed they were making out maybe he'd give the people what they wanted…

"Dean," Cas insisted, bringing Dean's train of thought to an abrupt stop. "Come on, help me get this thing back to shore."

Dean nodded, choking out a cough that sounded something like '_yeah, sure,' _and grabbed his oar.

They made their way towards the other boys and as soon as they were within striking distance, they were met by a squirt gun attack like none that anyone had ever witnessed before. Ash, Benny, and Chuck were all piled into the kayak, armed with water pistols and going absolutely nuts.

"Aha, take that!" Ash exclaimed triumphantly.

"You'll never take our ship, you dirty pirates!" Chuck cried.

"ATTACK!" Benny yelled.

"Son of a bitch," Dean muttered, covering his face and looking at Cas with a grin. "It's an ambush."

"Surrender or die!" Cas announced with determination. "Victory will be ours!"

Dean laughed and leaned forward, grabbing Cas's shoulder. "And how exactly are we going to do that?"

"Follow my lead," Cas told him with a grin. "If we can get in close I can take them all down."

"Aye aye, captain!" Dean exclaimed, laughing like he was a little boy again.

"_You'll never take me alive!" _Ash cried out, voice cracking at the end.

Dean and Cas maneuvered their kayak until it was nearly parallel to the other one, and Cas stood up and caught the boys' ship with his oar. With just the right angle, he yanked the oar down and the kayak tipped upside down, along with its brave crew.

"Told you," Cas said, grinning at Dean as they both erupted in uncontrollable laughter.

"You fuckers," Benny said, popping out of the water and glaring at them. "That's cheating."

Cas shrugged. "All is fair in love and war."

"Damn straight," Dean agreed.

Dean and Cas pulled the kayak up onto shore, then Dean started wading into the water. "Up for a swim?" he asked Cas with a cocky smile. On the inside he was still kinda freaking out, but he didn't let it show. "It's only cold until you go numb."

Cas laughed, rolling his eyes and following Dean into the water.

"'Atta boy, Cassie!" Benny hollered, whistling at him.

Cas ignored him and swam out to where Dean was treading water. Benny waved them off and helped Ash get their kayak flipped over.

"Hey," Dean said, smiling at Cas.

"Hey," Cas replied, returning the smile. "Your right, it is cold."

Dean laughed. "I could warm you up if you want," he said flirtatiously, without really thinking about it.

Cas's eyes widened and he stumbled over his words for a moment, staring at Dean. That's when Dean realized what he'd said.

"Sorry, I-"

"No, it's okay, I…" Cas trailed off, laughing bashfully. "I mean…"

Dean smiled and shook his head. "Look, I hate awkward," he said. "I like being friends. I don't wanna mess that up. So how 'bout we agree to keep the chick flick moments to a minimum?"

Cas didn't say anything for a while. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to agree to that. Just because he never knew how to respond, didn't mean he didn't like the way he felt when Dean flirted with him, even accidentally. Still… if Dean didn't want that, then Cas would respect it. If it meant they could still be friends, he could be okay with that.

"Agreed," he said, nodding shakily. "No more awkward."

"Well, alright then," Dean replied, grinning. He got a mischievous glint in his eyes and before Cas could process what that meant he was taking a wall of water to the face. After he finished spluttering and wiping water out of his eyes, he laughed and shook his head.

"Oh, is that so?" he asked, smirking at Dean and splashing him back.

"This is war now," Dean told him with a laugh, and soon enough they were both giggling and splashing water at each other mercilessly.

Despite his insistence that they avoid cheesy chick flick moments, Dean knew that Cas made him feel something different. He knew Cas was special and now that he had him close, he couldn't imagine losing him because he went and screwed up like he always did. And hell, if he was being honest, he regretted pulling away when they were on the kayak and they almost… well, whatever. But he couldn't risk pushing Cas away.

Though he still didn't know why that was, he did know one thing: he was in trouble. He was in a deep, sparkling blue ocean of trouble that, really, far too closely resembled the color of Cas's eyes. And Dean could only keep himself afloat for so long.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

On Sunday, Sonny took the boys to help Ruth at the church, and Cas went over to Balthazar's house. He was truly grateful to Sonny for not making him go to the church where his dad's service was held.

"Cassie!" Balthazar exclaimed happily when he opened the front door for his friend. He loved Sundays. It always meant extra time with Cas. Just the two of them, more often than not. Charlie's sister, despite being a pretty lenient guardian for the most part, usually ended up dragging Charlie to church with her.

"Hey, Bal," Cas said with an easy grin. "Your uncle not home?"

Balthazar made a face of disgust and shook his head. "God knows where that man goes. Goddamn mystery he ever got custody."

Cas's smile turned sympathetic. "Two more years."

Balthazar nodded. After a moment he shook his head to clear his head and smiled at Cas. "So, movie night or board games?"

As Cas followed Balthazar into the living room, they heard a knock on the door and turned around. "Are you expecting someone?" Cas asked, confused. Balthazar shook his head.

"Pick a game and I'll see who it is," he said, heading back down the hall. When he opened the door his jaw dropped in shock. "I… You… Long time no see," he finally said, stepping aside and welcoming the guest in.

"I… I told dad I was sick. I wanted to see Cas."

Balthazar nodded and led him into the living room. "Cassie, look who stopped by."

Cas looked up and felt the air leave his lungs when he saw who stood beside Balthazar.

"Gabe?" he choked out, slowly standing up and then practically running across the room to grab the older boy in a tight hug. Gabriel chuckled softly and wrapped his arms around his brother.

"Hey, Cassie," he said with a small smile, hugging Cas tightly. "Miss me?"

"Of course," Cas mumbled into Gabriel's shirt. After a long few moments, he pulled back and grinned up at his big brother. Gabriel returned the smile and patted his shoulder.

"So, what are you crazy kids up to?" he asked, looking hesitantly between the two of them.

"We were just about to play some board games," Cas told him. His smile hadn't left his face. He hadn't seen his brother in almost 6 months, and now he was here out of the blue and Cas couldn't believe how much he'd missed him. "Wanna join us?"

"I… I'd love to," Gabriel said hesitantly. He knew he could get in a world of trouble for being here, but he missed his brother. And besides, his dad would never even find out. At least, he hoped he wouldn't.

"How's Anna?" Balthazar asked as he pulled _Sorry! _out of the cabinet.

Gabriel pursed his lips. "She's… doing better, I guess. She misses you. But all things considered I think she's doing alright."

"That's good," Cas said, plopping down on the couch and urging Gabriel to sit next to him. "So how long can you stay?"

"Maybe an hour," Gabriel told him, smiling and taking a seat beside his brother. "Dad's at the church until eleven." He paused, then looked at Cas excitedly. "So I heard you made the wrestling team again this year. I'm proud of you, Cas."

Cas beamed. Gabe had always made it a point to tell him how proud he was. Cas loved him for that. "Yeah, first meet next week," he said. "You should come see me… if you can."

Gabe nodded. "Yeah, of course, Cassie. Wouldn't miss it." After another pause, he smirked and added, "Can't pass up a perfect opportunity to tease my kid brother for wearing a onesie."

Cas rolled his eyes and shoved Gabe's shoulder. "It's a _uniform." _

"Whatever you say," the older boy laughed, ruffling Cas's hair and grinning at the annoyed whine he let out.

The three of them made it through two games of _Sorry! _before Gabe had to call it.

Cas frowned. "I wish you didn't have to go."

"I know," Gabe said, smiling sadly. "Me too. But you know dad'll have my head if he finds out I was here."

Cas nodded. He knew all too well. He wouldn't put his brother through that. Not when this whole thing was Cas's fault to begin with.

"I'll see you around, little brother," Gabe told him, wrapping his brother in a tight hug before heading out the door.

Balthazar hated the crushed look on Cas's face. "Hey," he said softly, moving to sit by Cas on the couch. He grabbed his shoulder and squeezed lightly. "At least he's trying."

Cas shrugged. "Yeah… I know he is. But he wouldn't have to try so hard if I wasn't such a screw up."

"Hey, cut that out," Balthazar said fiercely, finally getting Cas to look at him. "It's not your fault. The only one to blame is your dick of a father."

Cas shrugged again. Balthazar sighed and rubbed his back, leaning over and kissing the side of his head before pulling him into a hug. Cas relaxed slightly in his hold and leaned into his chest. "If he was disappointed in me before… I don't even want to think about what he'd say now."

"What do you mean?" Balthazar asked, confused. A dozen thoughts raced through his skull, half of them leaving him painfully hopeful and the other half just painful.

"I think Dean almost kissed me yesterday," Cas said quietly. "And I wanted him to."

Balthazar's stomach twisted with jealousy, then anger at Dean, then pure rage towards Zachariah. As it usually did, his hatred for Cas's father won out over the rest. "Screw what your dad thinks," he said, trying to keep his tone from shaking out of control. "If… if you wanted to kiss Dean, or anyone for that matter, it's none of his goddamn business."

Cas bit his lip and snuggled further into Balthazar's chest. "I guess not. But… he pulled away. I… I really thought he was going to, but…" Cas shook his head, trailing off.

Balthazar held him close. He had always been protective of Cas, but he did not trust Dean, at all. He didn't see this ending any other way except Cas hurting and heartbroken, and Dean gone without a thought.

But he didn't know how to say any of this to Cas. He thought it would only hurt him more, or push him away. Cas clearly liked Dean, and Balthazar couldn't really fault him for that. You don't choose who you fall in love with, it just kinda… happens. Balthazar knew that better than anyone.

Still, he couldn't very well sit back and let this douchebag player named Dean Winchester lead Cas on only to leave him behind when he got bored. He had to do something.

The next day, school was a little too hectic for Balthazar to find the opportunity, and the same went for Tuesday and Wednesday. But come Thursday, after school and right before wrestling practice, Balthazar found Dean outside the gym, without Cas. Making sure no one else was around, Balthazar caught Dean by the shoulder and shoved him against the wall. He saw something dangerous flash in Dean's eyes and he crossed his arm over the boy's chest.

"Dude, what the hell?" Dean grunted. He was fighting every instinct he had not to go for his knife and have the taller boy on the ground in under two seconds. But that would definitely not go over well. "Get the hell off me," he warned, staring Balthazar down. The blond didn't back off, just shoved him harder against the wall.

"Stop fucking around with Cas," Balthazar almost growled, getting in Dean's face. "He's been through enough, he doesn't need your games."

Dean's face twisted up in confusion and he shoved Balthazar away easily. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Cut the crap, Winchester," he snapped, lunging at Dean again. Dean let himself be pinned to the wall. It wasn't like Balthazar could hurt him anyways. "You think I don't notice the way you flirt with him and then turn around and flirt with Robin or the next pretty face you see? I know your type, you arrogant, playboy, son of a bitch."

Dean's expression hardened, glaring at Balthazar. "Don't you talk about my mother like that," he said lowly, a cocky smirk tugging at his lips.

"You think this is funny?" Balthazar growled, standing over him by about half a foot.

"Actually, kinda, yeah," Dean said, flat out smirking. "Funny that you think you scare me," he continued, then his expression turned serious. "But you can buzz off, 'cuz I'm not playing games or whatever. I care about Cas. You can believe me or not, I really don't care. But it's the truth."

Balthazar searched his eyes, trying to find any indication of whether he was telling the truth or not. "Why should I believe you?"

"That's not my problem," Dean said coolly. "I don't really give a damn if you do or not. I only really care what Cas thinks, that's it. Long as he'll have me, I'm along for the ride."

Dean even surprised himself with his honesty. He knew he cared for Cas, but this was a level of devotion he'd only ever felt for a few people in his life. And never for anyone that wasn't blood.

He saw Balthazar's resolve shake and after a moment the taller boy released him and stepped back. "I must be crazy or stupid, but I believe you," Balthazar said reluctantly. "But I swear to god, if you hurt Cas-"

"Wouldn't dream of it, chuckles," Dean said, slapping on a cheeky, tight-lipped smile and straightening his jacket.

They both stood there for a few moments in silence, and Balthazar actually found himself feeling guilty. Before he could lose the courage, he said, "So Dean, uh… Charlie and Cas and I are going to this carnival thing this weekend. If you, um… You can come along if you want."

Dean eyed him hesitantly. "You're not gonna try to kill me again, are ya?"

Balthazar laughed and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "No. No, you're good. Call it a peace offering."

A beat of trepidation, then Dean shrugged. "Sure, what the hell? Who doesn't love a carnival?" He had to chuckle to himself at that. Carnivals had been the focus of at least three of his dad's hunts that he knew of. But hey, what could possibly go wrong?

…

Other than wrestling practice, Dean doesn't see much of Cas before Saturday. He'd decided to keep his going to the carnival a surprise. He could already imagine the adorable, shocked smile on Cas's face when he saw him there.

Dean was already on his way there when Charlie and Balthazar came to pick Cas up in Charlie's sister's car. Cas had been slightly disappointed when Dean said he had plans for the night. He'd wanted to invite him to the carnival. But he was excited to spend the day with Balthazar and Charlie in any case.

When they made their way to the ticket booth and Cas saw Dean standing there with that cocky grin of his, Cas couldn't contain his excitement. He ran up and hugged the boy, grinning ear to ear when Dean hugged him back and laughed softly.

"Ahem," Charlie uttered pointedly. "Let's get our tickets before the lines get too long!"

Dean and Cas broke apart and smiled at each other sheepishly. _No chick flick moment, _Dean had to remind himself. He ignored the voice telling him that showing up at the carnival and waiting for Cas to get there so he could surprise him was like, Chick Flick 101.

They each got a pretty solid wad of tickets and made their way into the heart of the carnival.

"So, what should we do first?" Balthazar asked, trying not to focus on the fact that Dean and Cas were practically attached at the hip.

"Bumper cars!" Charlie gasped, grabbing Balthazar's hand and tugging him to where the bumper cars were. The boys laughed and followed her, getting in line and handing the ride attendant their tickets.

It was all Dean could do to resist grinning like a school boy. He'd never been to a carnival, one that _wasn't _haunted at least. And he'd certainly never had friends to go with.

"So Dean," Charlie started as they waited their turn. "Cas tells me you like hunting."

Dean resisted the urge to laugh. "Since I was little," he shrugged. "But it's mostly my dad's thing, to tell ya the truth."

"Well what do you like to do for fun?" Charlie asked innocently, and Dean had no earthly idea how to answer that.

Luckily, before he could think of an answer, the ride came to a stop and then it was their turn after a loud buzzer. Saved by the bell, more or less.

"Every man for themselves!" Charlie announced, practically sprinting towards an empty car in the middle of the floor.

While Dean and Cas somehow managed to flirt with _bumper cars, _Balthazar sulked as a ten-year-old just kept ramming into his car over and over in the corner.

After bumper cars, Cas led the way to the merry-go-round, grabbing Dean's hand excitedly and tugging him along.

"Bal," Charlie said hesitantly, touching his arm as they walked a ways behind Dean and Cas. "Try to have fun, okay? And try to be happy for Cas. You and I both know he hasn't been this happy in a really long time."

Balthazar nodded and sighed. "You're right. It was my stupid idea to invite Dean anyhow. I've just gotta get over it."

And that was that as Balthazar shrugged her hand away and half-jogged to catch up to Dean and Cas.

Dean watched Cas and he couldn't help but grin. Of all the animals that he could've chosen on the merry-go-round, of all the ones that actually _belonged _on a merry-go-round as far as Dean was concerned, Cas picked a bumble bee. It was way too adorable.

Dean rode behind him on a zebra, smiling and laughing as they went around and around.

After the merry-go-round, Charlie suggested they play some games. There was a game where you had to pop balloons on a wall with darts, and Dean wore a cocky grin as he stepped up. He handed the guy enough tickets to go three rounds (the amount needed to have his pick of any prize) and grabbed the handful of darts the guy gave him.

"Confident, huh?" Cas asked with a laugh, standing beside him.

"Damn right I am," Dean retorted with a smirk, throwing three darts in a row and popping a top row balloon with each one. He grabbed three more darts and popped three more balloons, and then another three after that.

The guy at the booth looked at him in stunned silence and gestured to the wall of prizes. Dean looked over his options and grinned when he saw a stuffed bumble bee as big as a basketball. He pointed to it and the attendant gave him his prize.

"That was pretty impressive," Cas told Dean, watching him with intense curiosity as they walked through the carnival. How the _hell _did he do that? These games were all rigged, so either Dean was incredibly lucky or he was the most skilled darts player in the world.

Dean shrugged, grinning at Cas. "One of my many talents," he mused, then looked at the bee and back at Cas. He held the stuffed animal out for Cas with a timid smile. "For you," he said.

Cas laughed and took the bee, beaming brighter than the sun when he looked at Dean. "I love it."

At some point they had stopped walking, falling out of the crowd and just staring at each other and smiling. Neither wanted to say a word because that always put an end to the moment and this particular moment was one neither could let go so easily.

Cas hugged his stuffed bee to his chest, which was honestly the only thing keeping them from standing only inches away from each other. Dean inched closer until his chest touched the bee, keeping them just under a foot apart. He couldn't tear his eyes away from Cas's face. His wide blue eyes, the slight wrinkle between his eyebrows, the barely-there part of his pink lips, the subtle hint of stubble shading his jaw. Dean wanted to reach up and touch that perfect face-

"There you guys are!"

At the sound of Charlie's voice, Dean and Cas practically jumped apart, looking over at her and Balthazar as color rose to their cheeks.

"Hey, sorry," Cas said, clearing his throat. "We were just… Um… Dean won me a bee!" he told them excitedly, holding up his prize so they could see.

Charlie laughed and Balthazar forced a smile. "Your favorite," Charlie said. "Have you guys done the fun house yet? It's wacky."

Cas smiled at her. "It's not a carnival without a fun house." Then, turning to Dean, "Wanna take a look?"

Despite Dean's instincts telling him that fun houses were usually hiding places for things that were most definitely _not _fun, he couldn't really say no when Cas looked at him like that.

"Sure, sounds fun," Dean said.

"First we've gotta ride the ferris wheel, though," Cas gasped, as if he had just remembered. "It's a classic."

Well, that was safe enough, Dean figured. Nothing nasty could possibly be hiding on a ferris wheel.

(He knew that wasn't entirely true, but it was at least unlikely.)

Dean laughed as Cas dragged him along to the ferris wheel, plopping down in a seat next to Cas, with the stuffed bee sitting on the opposite side. Balthazar and Charlie grabbed a seat a few spokes behind them.

"I still don't like this," Balthazar told Charlie, leaning back in the seat and running his fingers through his hair. "I should have never invited him."

"Bal, I know it's hard for you," Charlie sighed. "But tell me honestly, when was the last time you saw Cas this happy? Really, honest-to-god happy?"

Balthazar pursed his lips. Honestly? "I guess… probably not since before his mom got sick." It broke his heart to say it out loud.

"Just let him have this," Charlie pleaded. "He deserves to be happy. Even if it's not with you."

Balthazar sighed. He knew she was right. _Of course _she was right. He just missed his best friend. It was selfish, he knew that, but a part of him had always hoped that someday Cas would return his feelings. But that was before Dean. Cas wouldn't fully admit it just yet, but Balthazar could see it in his eyes. He loved Dean. He probably didn't even know it, but he loved him. And knew once Cas loved someone like that… Balthazar never stood a chance.

"Wait, are you afraid of heights?" Cas asked Dean, suppressing his amused laughter.

"Shut up," Dean muttered as he tried to calm his breathing. "Just, um… distract me or something."

Cas did the very first thing that came to his mind. He reached across the safety bar and grabbed Dean's hand in his.

Dean felt a tiny, surprised noise catch in his throat and he looked at their hands. His heart was still racing, but it wasn't because of the ferris wheel. He gulped and looked at Cas. When had they scooted so close together? Side by side, touching from their thighs to their shoulders all the way to their entwined fingers. Then, because he wanted to, Dean squeezed Cas's hand tighter, still staring into the boy's crystal blue eyes.

Then (again, simply because he wanted to), Dean brought his free hand up to cup Cas's barely stubbled cheek. He slid his hand around until his thumb rested just below Cas's ear and his fingers disappeared into thick black hair.

"Dean," Cas whispered, his breath ghosting over Dean's nose and lips.

"Yeah, Cas?" Dean responded softly. He had no idea what he was doing, he just knew that he _wanted to. _He knew that he was doing what made him happy. He was just waiting for confirmation that Cas wanted it too…

"I…" Cas exhaled shakily, staring into Dean's eyes. He didn't know what he was waiting for. Maybe Dean would be okay with a chick flick moment just this once…

_No, _Cas thought, shutting down every part of him saying _just kiss him_, and he shook his head and backed away from Dean, turning his head to look down at his feet. He didn't really know why he did it, he just… couldn't. He knew Dean would regret it, and then he'd never speak to him again. Giving into his selfish desires wasn't worth losing Dean.

What he missed when he looked away, though, was a look of utter confusion and disappointment and hurt on Dean's face. Dean had thought that maybe… He flinched away from Cas like he'd been burned. No. It was stupid. Cas was… perfect. And smart, and funny, and beautiful inside and out. And Dean was just broken. It was stupid to think Cas would even consider someone like him. Just plain stupid.

It was for the best, though. Once they crossed that line, there was no going back. It would just be awkward and uncomfortable all the time and the best friendship Dean had ever had would be ruined.

As the ride was coming to an end, Dean tried to break the tension between them. "So, how 'bout that fun house?" he asked with a half smile.

Cas met his eyes gratefully, returning the smile. He nodded and grabbed Dean's hand (that was one boundary he was glad they'd crossed), leading him to the fun house as Charlie and Balthazar found a mini roller coaster to ride.

The fun house wasn't very busy, so it was just Dean and Cas going through. Animatronics and sound effects meant to make them jump were scattered around the place, and Dean barely even flinched. He noticed with some amusement and fond admiration that Cas startled every single time, clutching his stuffed bee tightly. He also noticed, of course he did, that Cas was gripping his hand and refusing to let go the entire time.

Dean stopped when they reached the house of mirrors, examining himself in one particular mirror that made his head look tiny and his hips look 10 times their actual size.

"Do these pants make my butt look big?" he asked Cas with a straight face, and Cas burst out laughing.

"No, not at all-"

Cas stopped short when Dean's hand was ripped from his and the boy was being tackled to the floor by someone Cas didn't recognize. "Dean!" Cas cried, standing frozen in fear.

"Fuck," Dean grunted, pushing back against the man's hands as he held a knife to Dean's throat. "What the- Cas, run, get out of here!"

Cas stumbled back, instinct telling him to listen to Dean but he didn't want to leave him alone. "Dean…"

"Cas, go!"

"I don't give a damn about your little friend, boy," the man snarled at Dean, as the knife just barely broke the skin of his throat. "This is about your daddy."

Dean's stomach dropped and he struggled for a moment before grabbing the knife from the man and shoving him off. He jumped to his feet and into a fighting stance. "Cas!" he yelled. Cas still couldn't make his legs move.

"I've been looking for dear old dad," the man said, staring Dean down. "But I can make him come right to me now that I found you."

Dean scoffed. "Think again, you ugly son of a bitch," he sneered. "The old man left me here. No way is he walking into a trap just to come for me."

The man hummed, thoughtful, then his eyes darkened angrily. "Then I guess I'll settle for skinning his little mini-me."

The man lunged at him and Dean couldn't move out of the way fast enough. He was knocked to the ground, and he struggled against the man for almost a minute before the knife sunk into the old man's gut. He went limp above Dean and Dean pushed the man off of him, laying there in shock for he didn't know how long.

"Dean…"

He was startled out of his state of shock when he heard Cas's voice. He saw Cas standing about 10 feet away, half hidden behind a wall. "Cas, I…"

"Are you okay?" Cas asked shakily, taking a few steps towards Dean, much to Dean's surprise.

"Y-Yeah, I think so," Dean told him, rising to his feet with a wince. He reached up to touch his neck and his fingers came away bloody.

"No, you're not," Cas insisted, his voice shaking horribly as he reached for Dean and then pulled back. "Dean, we… we have to go. Now."

Dean realized that Cas was staring at his shirt, which was covered in blood. Shit.

Suddenly Cas was removing his top layer so he was wearing only his undershirt. "Take that off… throw it away and put this on. We have to go."

Dean couldn't speak. He wasn't used to being the speechless one in these scenarios, but the very fact that Cas _wasn't _freaking out was really freaking Dean out. He did as Cas said, removing his flannel and his t-shirt and throwing them in the nearest trash bin. He took the shirt Cas offered him and slipped it over his head.

"We have to go," Cas said again, whispering it to himself a few times after that. Okay, so maybe Cas _was _freaking out, Dean realized.

"Hey," Dean said softly, grabbing him by the shoulders and meeting his eyes. He was grateful when Cas didn't flinch away. "It's gonna be alright."

Cas didn't move or say a word, just stared at Dean. Dean couldn't tell if the fear in his eyes was just fear of what was happening or if it was fear of Dean. He hoped it wasn't the latter, though he wouldn't blame him.

Without a word, Dean led Cas out of the fun house. He silently noted that he was totally right and that fun houses are never a good idea, but it wasn't the time.

They didn't even try to find Charlie and Balthazar, just making a line for the exit. Cas held his stuffed bee against his chest with one hand and latched onto Dean's hand with the other. Neither of them said a word until they got to Sonny's. Thankfully, Sonny and the other boys were too busy with dinner to notice Dean and Cas come in.

Dean led Cas into the bathroom and closed the door behind them, and the floodgates opened.

"Dean, what the hell was that?" Cas demanded frantically, his hands and voice shaking violently. "You _killed _that guy, and… and he… he said… Dean, what the _hell?" _

Dean grabbed his shoulders and tried to calm him. "Cas, breathe," he said gently. "You're hyperventilating."

Cas did his best to follow Dean's lead and match his breathing. After a few minutes, he had calmed down just a little.

Dean didn't know how to explain this. He had no fucking clue.

"Cas, I…" he started. He didn't want to lie… but what choice did he have? "I… I have never seen that man before in my life," he said, truthfully. "I don't know why he attacked me." Also the truth. Mostly. It clearly had something to do with his dad but how the hell would he know?

"But he said… your dad…" Tears started down Cas's cheeks and Dean's heart clenched.

"My dad is an obsessed bastard," Dean said gruffly, shaking his head. "Not a lot of people like him. A lot more people wanna beat his head in."

"But I… How are you even _alive?" _

"Cas, I don't know," Dean said, desperately. "I don't know."

Cas collapsed against his chest, shaking and crying quietly. He didn't know what to make of any of this. Dean's past made less and less sense the more Cas learned. The only thing he could even begin to wrap his head around was that this was just a psychotic, random attack. Nothing more. And Dean was lucky to be alive. And Cas was glad that he was.

Sniffling, Cas pulled away after a few minutes. "Your neck," he gasped softly. "I… you're bleeding everywhere. Let me help."

Dean obliged, because Cas seemed to calm down as he focused his energy on taking care of Dean. Cas grabbed the first aid kit and grabbed what he needed. The cut wasn't too deep, so he wouldn't need stitches, but he did need to stop the bleeding.

He got Dean wrapped up with some gauze and medical tape, then they both changed into fresh shirts. They sat side-by-side on Cas's bed, Dean's arm wrapped around Cas's shoulders. Cas snuggled in against his chest and sighed shakily.

"Thank god you're alive, Dean," he said quietly. "I don't know what I…" he trailed off, shaking his head.

Dean nodded, nuzzling his face into Cas's tousled hair. "It's okay. I'm okay."

Cas nodded weakly and closed his eyes, gripping Dean's shirt with trembling fingers. Dean held him like that until Cas's breaths evened out and his shoulders slumped. When he was finally asleep, Dean went to lay him down but Cas's fingers still clung to his shirt. He wasn't letting go. Dean sighed, smiling and shaking his head. He carefully settled in beside Cas, wrapping his arms around him and holding the boy to his chest. His back would hurt and his arms would be numb in the morning, but at that moment, he didn't really care. All that mattered was that Cas was okay.

Dean couldn't even put into words how unbelievably relieved he was that Cas was okay.

…

The next morning, Sonny asked questions about what had happened to Dean, why he'd found a blood shirt in the trash, why he'd heard Cas crying in the bathroom, etc. Dean didn't know what to tell him. He just said he got into a fight with some guy and that was that. Sonny clearly didn't believe him but he told him to stay home and rest while the other boys helped out at the church.

Cas stuck to Dean like glue the whole day, as if he still didn't believe Dean was alive. He didn't even go to Balthazar's house like he usually did on Sunday.

Dean tried to convince him to go outside or play a card game or even go take a shower, but Cas refused to leave his side. So Dean held him as they sat or laid on Cas's bed, rubbing his back and promising him it would be okay, that he was okay, that they were safe.

"Cas?"

Cas hummed in response and Dean continued.

"Are you… I mean, after you saw… Well, I thought…" Dean sighed, frustrated, and just spit it out. "Are you afraid of me?"

Cas met his eyes for the first time in about 3 hours, and Dean held his breath.

"Of course not," Cas said. "I'm not afraid of you, Dean."

"But I…" Dean trailed off, averting his gaze.

"You protected yourself," Cas said quietly. "And me."

Dean nodded but didn't say anything, wrapping his arms tightly around Cas again.

_I'll always protect you, Cas, _he thought, closing his eyes and hiding his face so Cas couldn't see the tears threatening to fall.

…

The next few days at school, Cas wouldn't talk to Dean much, but they were touching almost every second that they could be. Their first wrestling meet was on Thursday and Dean saw that as the perfect opportunity to try and get back to normal with Cas.

Wednesday after school, Dean and Cas were walking home. Cas had his fingers loosely wrapped around Dean's wrist and Dean wasn't complaining. But he had a mission.

"Cas," he started hesitantly.

"Yes, Dean?"

"So our first wrestling meet is tomorrow," Dean continued, smiling when Cas looked at him. "And, well, I was wondering if you could show me a few things."

Cas's brow knit up in confusion. "I didn't think you needed any help with wrestling, Dean."

Dean laughed softly, shrugging. "Well, I know how to fight and I can hold my own. But the technical stuff still gets me. Coach said I need to work on it."

Cas eyed him, contemplative. Then he smiled. "Sure, I can show you some moves."

When they got back to Sonny's, still wearing their gym clothes, Cas led Dean around to the back yard. He set his bag down and found a smooth patch of grass. Dean followed suit.

"Alright," Cas began. "I'll show you some of my favorite moves. Lie down on your stomach and you'll put me in a headlock. And I'll show you how I get out of it and immediately turn it around into a pin."

Dean grinned. "Sounds like fun."

He did as Cas said, lying on the grass face down. He felt Cas come up behind him, grab his arm and pull it around so he had Cas in a headlock and Dean was propped up on his side. Cas slid his arm underneath Dean and around his waist, and Dean felt warmth spread from the touch. He cleared his throat and tried to focus. He was trying to get things back to normal. He couldn't get distracted, even if Cas was warm and solid and strong behind him...

"Alright, so then from here I just…" Cas trailed off, trying to demonstrate slowly so Dean could see what he was doing. He did something like a somersault, pulling Dean over his back and using the leverage of Dean holding his neck to land him flat on his back. And just like that, Cas had him pinned. His arm was still wrapped around Dean's waist and he looked up at him as Dean removed his arm from Cas's neck. "Did that make sense?"

Dean nodded, swallowing thickly. "Yeah… Uh, one more time maybe?"

Cas nodded, taking a deep breath to calm himself as he got set up again. Dean returned to his original position and Cas wrapped his arm around him. He flipped him over his back, a little closer to full speed this time, and Dean lost his grip on Cas's neck as he did. He landed with an '_oof'' _and Cas sat up, offering a hand. "Got it?"

"Yeah I think so," Dean said, a little breathless.

"Alright, I'll show you one more move and then I'll have you try it," Cas continued, trying desperately to stay focused. "So, for this one, just get on your hands and knees."

Dean almost choked. He tried to keep it cool, cracking a joke. "Aren't you gonna buy me dinner first?" he asked as he knelt down on the grass.

Cas made sort of a gasp and a yelp noise all in one, and he covered his mouth, blushing. Dean thought it was adorable, and closer to what felt normal for them. "I, uh…"

"Cas, I'm just messin' with ya," Dean told him, smiling. "What next?"

Cas cleared his throat. "Right. Well, um…" Cas knelt behind Dean, grabbing his arm and pulling it behind his back. From there he flipped Dean around and had him land flat on his stomach, arm still pinned behind his back. Dean could feel his heart pounding in his throat at feeling Cas so close.

Cas felt Dean's breathing pick up and he leaned back a bit, releasing his grip and watching Dean with concern. "Are you alright? Did I hurt you?"

Dean flipped over so he was on his back, and he gasped when he realized how close Cas's face was. "I, uh…"

"Dean?"

Dean stared up at Cas in silence, only the sound of his breathing between them. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He felt warm and heavy and breathless and Cas was leaning in closer.

This time, Dean didn't have the strength to move away. Instead he closed his eyes and placed his hand on Cas's shoulder, taking a steadying breath, and then Cas closed the last bit of distance between them.

Dean actually felt his heart skip when Cas's lips touched his, gentle at first and then more insistent, curious. Dean's hand moved to Cas's hair and he let out a soft, surprised noise when Cas grazed his tongue over Dean's bottom lip.

Cas's hand fell on Dean's waist and the touch was like fireworks under Dean's skin. Cas saw stars as he drew more whines and moans from Dean's throat, moving so he was straddling Dean's hips. Dean gasped and curled his fingers into Cas's thick hair.

He moaned when Cas's fingers dug into his hip, sliding up underneath his t-shirt. Searching for more, Dean brought his other hand up to cup Cas's cheek and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, nipping gently, hesitant.

"Cas," he breathed out, breaking the kiss for a second but not breaking contact. His lips brushed against Cas's as he spoke. "Cas, I…"

Cas shut up by capturing his lips in another deep kiss, lowering his hips until he could feel Dean against him. They both gasped softly, Dean whimpering into Cas's mouth.

Cas broke the kiss to catch his breath, pressing his forehead to Dean's.

"Cas…" Dean exhaled, his chest heaving as he struggled to compose himself. He could feel heat coiling in his gut and he swallowed thickly, opening his eyes to look at Cas. He smiled hesitantly when Cas opened his eyes to look at him, but his smile just as soon fell when he saw Cas's expression shift.

He couldn't read what that expression even was, but it wasn't good. He knew that for sure when Cas practically flinched away from him, scrambling to his feet and backing away.

"I… I…"

"Cas, wait-"

"I'm sorry, I… I have to go."

"Cas!"

Before Dean could stop him, Cas was running in the opposite direction, away from Sonny's and away from Dean.

Sitting up slowly, Dean watched him go, hurt and confused and trying to figure out what the _hell _just happened.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

Dean didn't go inside right away, instead finding himself wandering towards the tree that Cas had fallen out of when they'd first met. He stood at the base of the trunk for a while, staring up at the mess of branches. Part of him wanted to run after Cas, talk about what had just happened, maybe even _continue _what had just happened. But he was afraid he'd only push Cas away. He figured it was best to give him space. Things would be awkward at school, they'd talk after the wrestling meet, and then all would be right in the world.

Dean's heart was still pounding in his ears, and his skin was buzzing and warm all over. He never even knew kissing could feel that good. Sure, Dean had thought about kissing Cas, but he never thought he'd actually go through with it. He definitely never thought that Cas would kiss _him. _The whole thing made Dean's head spin.

He climbed up a few branches and sat back against the trunk. His head hit the bark with a soft _thunk _and he sighed. He couldn't figure out why Cas had run away. He knew it wasn't about his kissing skills. He wasn't exactly an expert but he was no rookie either. And he already knew Cas was gay, he'd told him that much. And he was either stupid or Cas liked him- Dean was a lot of things, but he wasn't stupid.

So he really didn't know what it could be. Unless…

Thinking back to the carnival, Dean felt sick. Maybe Cas was more afraid of him than he'd let on after what had happened. Dean had tried to make things go back to normal but maybe that was wishful thinking. Cas had seen the darkness in him and it was too much.

"Dean? Is that you?"

He looked down at the source of the voice. Robin. He was surprised but not unhappy to see her. He smiled.

"Hey, Robin," he said as she looked up at him curiously.

"What are you doing up there?" she asked, then smirked. "Don't tell me you're going all 'bird boy' like Cas."

Dean laughed. "Is that a bad thing?"

She shook her head, smiling. "No. Just doesn't seem like your style."

Dean shrugged. "I'm just thinking."

"Mind if I join?"

Dean held out a hand in invitation, and Robin set her backpack down on the grass and started climbing up to where Dean was sitting. She sat on a branch just above him and smiled, swinging her legs gently. Dean smiled hesitantly at her. "What brings you here?"

Robin shrugged. "Just thought I'd stop by. Saw some idiot sitting in a tree and had to make sure they weren't stuck."

"Hey!" Dean laughed, and Robin followed suit.

"So what are you thinking about?" Robin asked after a while.

Dean looked down at his hands where they sat in his lap. "Just, uh…" Dean trailed off, shaking his head. "I miss my brother," he said, not exactly a lie.

"Brother?" Robin pried, watching him curiously. "I didn't know you had a brother."

"It's… complicated." Dean sighed. "I keep thinking how I need to get back to him. But for some reason I just can't leave." His thoughts wandered back to Cas. Truthfully, he knew exactly what it was that was keeping him here.

"It's hard to leave once you've got people who care about you," Robin said with a meaningful look, and Dean's throat felt thick as he looked up at her. He knew what she meant, but he was still thinking of Cas. He'd thought that Cas cared about him, but after what he'd seen maybe that was no longer true. Maybe the kiss had revealed just a little too much darkness. Maybe Dean was just too broken.

"Dean?"

Dean cleared his throat and met her eyes again. "Sorry… Just-"

"Thinking," Robin finished with a gentle laugh. "It's alright." She hesitated for a moment, watching Dean carefully. "So, Dean…"

Dean's eyes widened a bit. "Yeah?"

"Well, ya know, the Homecoming dance is in a couple weeks, and…" she trailed off.

Dean's throat felt thick as he realized where she was going with that. He couldn't help but think of Cas, and part of him even thought about what would happen if he asked _Cas _to the dance, but who was he kidding? Cas didn't want anything to do with him. That was pretty obvious from the way he ran away like Dean was the goddamn plague.

And he did like Robin. A lot, actually. He'd enjoyed their kiss and Robin made him smile. She was beautiful and funny and kind and everything Dean had ever imagined wanting in a girlfriend. Maybe he'd been so focused on Cas that he was forgetting about who stood right in front of him.

Smiling tentatively, Dean finally spoke. "This dance… You like that kind of thing, right?"

Robin laughed nervously, tucking her hair behind her ears. "I mean… Yeah. I guess so. Probably not your style, though, right?"

Dean shrugged. "I dunno, that depends. Are you going?"

Robin bit her lip to keep her face from splitting into a huge smile. "Well no one's asked me yet…"

"Bunch of idiots," Dean said, earning a shy laugh from her. "Any guy'd be lucky to have you on his arm."

"Is that your way of asking me to the dance?" Robin asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

Dean blanched for a moment, but quickly composed himself. "Well, that depends. Is that you saying yes?"

"I suppose it is," she said with a laugh.

"Looks like I'm asking, then," Dean said, slapping on a charming smile. Robin rolled her eyes and smiled at him.

"You're ridiculous."

"I think the word is adorable," Dean said with a smirk.

"If that makes you feel better."

They laughed together then fell into comfortable silence. It was starting to get dark, so Robin had to get going.

"See ya later, Robin," Dean said, hopping down from the tree after her.

With a nervous smile, Robin stepped forward and placed a kiss on his cheek. "See ya, Dean."

As she left, Dean sighed and sat down on the grass, leaning against the tree. Yes, he liked Robin, and he was actually excited to go to the dance with her, but that chaste kiss only proved one thing in his mind. And that was that nothing could possibly compare to the way he felt when he kissed Cas. Nothing could even come close.

...

Cas felt like he was suffocating. He didn't even realize where he was running until he practically collapsed on Balthazar's front porch. Not even a minute later, Balthazar was opening the door. "Cas?" he said, frowning and helping Cas to his feet. He was shaking and close to tears and he looked like he was going to drop to the ground again. "Cas, Jesus, what happened to you?"

Balthazar helped Cas inside and sat him down on the couch, concern written all over his face as he stared at Cas.

"I…" Cas started, but the words wouldn't come out. He shook his head, folding his hands in his lap and leaning forward. His whole body was trembling and he felt like he was going to be sick.

"Cassie, what happened?" Balthazar asked again, rubbing his back. He felt a strong sense of protectiveness set in and he shifted closer to Cas. "Just breathe. Tell me what's wrong."

Cas shook his head again. "No. Not… I… I don't know. It didn't feel wrong, but I just… I don't know how…"

"Cas," Balthazar urged gently. "I don't know what you're saying. Start from the beginning."

Cas took a deep, shaky breath and his shoulders slumped a bit. "I… I kissed Dean," he whispered, closing his eyes tightly.

Balthazar's chest felt tight. That definitely wasn't what he was expecting. "Okay…" he said slowly, trying to quell the jealousy that threatened to show its face. "And?"

"And I don't know," Cas said, voice rising frantically. "One minute I was just showing him some wrestling moves for the meet tomorrow, and then…" Cas let out a frustrated sigh. "He was just so close. He was looking at me like he… I don't know. I just… I kissed him. And he kissed me back, I think."

"You think?" Balthazar asked skeptically.

Cas groaned. "I… I mean he did. He definitely did. I… I've never had a kiss like that. But…"

Balthazar frowned. "What's wrong?" He couldn't really bring himself to say anything else at the moment.

Cas looked up at him, and he had tears on his face. "My dad," he said in a small, child-like voice. "He… This is the reason he stopped loving me. Because I'm like this."

Balthazar's jealousy and suspicious of Dean were momentarily forgotten. He grabbed Cas by the shoulders and met his eyes. "Hey," he said insistently. "Forget about your dad. He's a self-righteous bastard and he never deserved an amazing son like you. There's nothing wrong with the way you are. Absolutely nothing."

Cas let out a sob and collapsed against Balthazar's chest. "I love him, Bal," he whimpered.

"Of course you do, he's your dad, but-"

"No," Cas stopped him, choking on a sob. "Dean. I love Dean."

That felt like a punch in the gut to Balthazar. Of course he already knew it… He'd seen the way Cas looked at Dean from the beginning. It was plain as day. But that didn't mean he liked it.

Sure, he believed Dean when he promised he wasn't playing Cas. But Balthazar could just feel it, something was off about Dean. Something was very, dangerously off. He couldn't figure out exactly what it was but he knew he didn't want it anywhere near his best friend.

Still, he couldn't break Cas's heart over a hunch. All he could do was be there for Cas and hope that he was wrong about Dean.

So he wrapped his arms around his best friend and held him while he cried. Once Cas finally calmed down a bit, mostly because he didn't have any tears left to cry, he sat up and looked at Balthazar.

"What do I do?" he asked, voice low and rough. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"I…" Balthazar stared at him, but he was at a loss. "I don't know, either."

Cas sighed. "You're supposed to be the one with all the answers," he joked weakly. "You always know how to make me feel better."

Balthazar let out a soft, choked laugh. "I'm just making shit up as I go, Cassie," he said, shaking his head as tears spilled from his eyes. "I don't have a goddamn clue." Pausing, he looked at Cas and he knew he had to say something, even if he didn't know what. "But Cas…" he began, taking a shaky breath. "If you really love Dean… Maybe you should tell him. He might surprise you. And you can't let it eat you up inside."

God, he wished he could take his own advice.

Cas nodded slowly, taking in a deep breath and letting it out unsteadily. "You're right," he whispered. "I'm scared, Bal. What if he doesn't love me back?"

"Then he's a damn moron," Balthazar said confidently, squeezing Cas's hand and mustering up a smile. "You're…" _Everything. _"You're a catch." Then, with a smirk, "Hot as hell too, Cassie. Dean would have to be blind or stupid."

Cas scoffed and shook his head. "Alright, now you're just full of it."

Balthazar laughed. "I speak the truth."

"Whatever," Cas laughed. "Now shut up and put on a movie or something. I've got some time before curfew."

"Princess Bride?" Balthazar got up and made his way to the movie cabinet.

Cas grinned. "You know me so well."

…

At school the next day, Dean wasn't really expecting much. He pretty much figured Cas never wanted to talk to him again. And he told himself there was no point being miserable over it. He was used to losing people, used to watching the fear in their eyes when they realized what he was. He could almost convince himself that Cas was no different, that it shouldn't mean anything. Almost.

Robin was an excellent distraction as always. A very sweet, very cute distraction. Still, Dean couldn't help but notice when Cas didn't show up in first or last period. It wasn't like him to miss class. Dean couldn't help but start to worry.

The sick feeling in his gut was eased somewhat when he showed up in the gym for their first wrestling meet of the season and Cas was there. As the boys gathered around the coach, Dean noticed that Cas was actually going out of his way to _not _look at Dean.

Dean lost his first match. He was distracted by Cas sitting in the front row on the bleachers with the rest of the team. Cas still wasn't looking at him.

In his second match, Dean did a better job at not focusing on Cas. It was close, but Dean pinned the other boy and won the match. The crowd cheered, and Dean noticed that Robin was sitting a few rows up from the team. He smiled at her. All he needed was a different face to direct his focus to.

Cas wasn't exactly _avoiding _Dean. He wanted to talk to him about the kiss. About everything. He wanted to tell him how he felt. He just wanted to wait until they could actually sit down and have a real, private conversation. During class and even at lunch just wouldn't cut it. So he stayed away, waiting until the day was over and he could catch Dean alone. It felt like the longest day of his life.

He tried not to get too distracted by Dean in his uniform. And he thought gym shorts were bad. That was nothing compared to how incredibly revealing those unitards were.

Dean won all of his matches after the first one. Cas realized that Dean never needed his help with wrestling moves. So why would he ask Cas to help him practice, unless…

Cas's heart pounded in his chest. Dean had wanted to get close to him, wanted to touch him even. That was the only reasonable explanation Cas could think of. Dean really had wanted the kiss to happen. Maybe he even reciprocated Cas's feelings. The thought made Cas dizzy. He was already planning on telling Dean how he felt, but he'd never considered the possibility that Dean might feel the same.

After all the matches were finished and the boys had changed out of their uniforms, the coach gathered the team and congratulated them on the win. This time, Cas couldn't take his eyes off Dean. He wasn't looking back but Cas couldn't blame him for that. He probably thought Cas was avoiding him. Cas couldn't have that.

After the team dispersed, Cas took a deep breath and he was about to approach Dean when out of nowhere Robin ran up and hugged him.

"Oh my god, you were so good!" she exclaimed happily, kissing his cheek. Dean laughed and grabbed her hands loosely. Cas felt sick.

He heard a couple of girls talking behind him and he couldn't help but listen in.

"Can you believe it? Robin is going to Homecoming with _Dean Winchester. _She has _no idea _how lucky she is…"

Cas didn't listen to much after that, but he had heard enough. He felt his stomach twisting itself into knots, and he felt like a complete idiot. What was he thinking? Dean Winchester was never going to love him.

He finally made his legs move and ran out of the gymnasium before Dean could see him. He found Balthazar at the drinking fountains and grabbed his arm, pulling him into an empty classroom and closing the door.

"Wow, Cassie, I'm flattered but- holy shit are you okay?" Balthazar's demeanor went from playful to concerned in a fraction of a second and then he was grabbing Cas's shoulders and staring at him worriedly. "Cas, what's wrong?"

Cas shook his head, wiping the tears that fell without his permission. "I'm so stupid," he muttered.

"Well that's not true," Balthazar said, squeezing his shoulders gently. "What happened? Is it Dean?" The thought made his blood boil. He'd warned him if he hurt Cas…

Cas nodded and his lip trembled as he held back a sob. Balthazar pulled him to his chest and held him tight. "He… he's going to the dance with Robin," he choked out through stifled sobs. "I guess you were right all along, he's just been playing me." He let out a harsh sob and Balthazar held him tighter, his jaw working angrily.

"I was hoping I was wrong," he said quietly, rubbing Cas's back. "I truly was."

"I should've known," Cas said and his breath hitched with a half sob. "You and Charlie… You're the only ones I can count on."

Balthazar's heart broke at that. He didn't know what to say, so he just squeezed Cas gently and buried his face in dark hair. "It's okay, Cassie," he murmured. "It's okay."

After he felt like he'd cried all the tears he had for a whole year, Cas finally calmed down somewhat. He and Balthazar sat down on a couple of desks and Cas took a few deep, shaky breaths. "I love him, Balthazar," he said weakly. "I just… I can't help it. I love him."

Balthazar nodded, swallowing thickly. "We can't choose who we fall in love with."

"I actually thought…" Cas looked down at his hands in his lap. "I thought the kiss meant that he loved me too. I was stupid…"

Balthazar used two fingers to tilt Cas's chin up and met his eyes. "You're not stupid," he said fiercely. "He is. He's an idiot not to see what he's got." Cas didn't say anything, so Balthazar sighed and continued. "Who needs that bullshit, anyways? Hell, I'll take you to the dance, and you can show Dean that you could give a damn."

Cas looked at him sadly. "But I do give a damn."

"Well he doesn't need to know that," Balthazar told him. "We're gonna go to the dance and you're gonna have an _outstanding _time and Dean can go screw himself."

Cas thought about it. The idea of going to the dance and watching Dean with Robin made him want to curl into a ball and cry, but maybe Balthazar had a point. If Dean saw him having fun and dancing with Balthazar, maybe… Well, maybe he'd be jealous. That thought was enough for Cas to agree to Balthazar's insane plan.

"Alright, I guess," he said, sniffling. "But only if you wear a tux" he added with a tiny smile.

Balthazar rolled his eyes, but he was grateful to see Cas smile. "Fine," he pouted. "If it'll really make you happy, I'll wear a damn tux."

Cas grinned, and Balthazar knew he'd do anything to see that beaming bright smile any day of the week.

…

Dean went out for shakes at Robin's family's diner with the rest of the team after the meet. He was disappointed that Cas wasn't there, but he tried not to focus on that. It really wasn't fair to Robin to be thinking about anything else but her smile and her hand on his knee.

"So Dean, you might be carrying our asses to the tournament this year," one of the boys said, and some others piped up in agreement.

"You were amazing today," Robin told him with a smile, grabbing his hand, and some of the boys whistled at him. He laughed nervously and glanced at her.

"Come on guys, it was a team effort," he shrugged, hesitantly squeezing Robin's hand.

It all felt wrong. He hated that he felt like running away every time Robin touched him. He liked her, he did. She just wasn't Cas. But Cas wasn't here.

Still, Dean couldn't get him out of his head. He couldn't forget the way Cas's hands had touched him oh, so gently as they kissed. He couldn't forget the heated, dazed look in Cas's eyes when he pulled away, or how it was almost instantly replaced with panic. And he most definitely couldn't forget the Cas's body had felt against his own…

It was crazy. Dean had never felt this way about a guy before. And he wasn't gay. It was just… Cas. He didn't know how else to describe it. He had never felt like this until he met Cas. Everything about the boy was perfect. He was the most incredible person Dean had ever met and he'd fucked it all up. Of course, he knew it was always just a matter of time before people saw the real Dean and ran scared. The life of a hunter.

He had been hoping that Cas would be different. That Cas would see him and not run away. But he knew that was a stupid thing to wish for.

After they left the diner, Dean walked Robin home and she kissed him on the lips. He held her face gently in his hands and kissed her back, but it still felt wrong. He hadn't felt like this the first time they kissed… What was wrong with him?

Dean got back to Sonny's and walked up the stairs without a word, tense and alert when he walked in the bedroom to find Cas sitting on his bed in the corner. Dean gulped and took a seat on his own bed, grabbing his knife from his pocket. He began twirling it around in his fingers, staring at it in somewhat of a daze.

He didn't notice Cas watching him. He didn't see the hurt in his eyes or the hope… or the love. And he didn't know that Cas was still awake long after everyone else had fallen asleep, just watching Dean. Wishing. Hoping. He had no idea that all Cas wanted to do was go to him and hold him close and never let him go.

He never could've guessed that they both wanted the same thing.

…

The days dragged on. Cas still hadn't found the nerve to talk to Dean, and he was starting to think he never would. Besides, he was pretty sure Dean had moved on. He was sitting with Robin at lunch now, laughing and flirting and not paying Cas any attention at all. It was hell.

Cas tried to focus on school and on his friends, two things he could count on.

"Study group tonight?" Charlie asked, breaking the thick silence at the lunch table. Balthazar smiled tensely at her and then touched Cas's shoulder when he just shrugged, staring at his food.

"Study group and a movie night, I think," Balthazar said. "What do ya say, Cassie?"

Cas shrugged again. Charlie and Balthazar sighed, sharing a desperate look.

"Cas…" Charlie hedged, watching him carefully. "Sweetie, say something."

"We're worried about you, Cassie," Balthazar added. "It's been almost a week. You've barely eaten, you haven't slept except in class." Cas didn't say anything, and Balthazar didn't know what to do. He found it difficult not to let his anger bubble over. Dean had broken Cas's heart, just like he expected him to, and now he was out and about like he didn't care. And now he was here to pick up the pieces, Charlie too. But he was scared. He'd only seen Cas like this twice before. Once when his mom died, and again when his dad had kicked him out of the house.

Balthazar's head snapped up when Cas spoke softly. It barely came out as words so he cleared his throat and tried again. "Movie night sounds good," he whispered.

Charlie reached out to rub his back lightly. "I'll even let you pick the movie," she said with a half smile.

Cas looked at her finally, attempting a smile that turned into more of a grimace. "Thanks, Charlie."

The bell rang and the three of them tossed their trays and headed to class. Cas was grateful that he shared his next class with Charlie so he didn't have to walk alone, as Balthazar split off in the opposite direction.

…

Thursday rolled around and it was time for their second wrestling meet. This time it was at a rival school so the team took a bus to get there. Dean sat in the back of the bus with a couple of other boys on the team. He was basically their favorite person after his impressive performance the week before.

But Dean wasn't paying them much attention. He was more focused on Cas, sitting alone a few rows up, tucked up against the window. He wanted so badly to walk up to him and take a seat beside Cas. But he didn't think that would go over too well.

Dean hated this. He had never been one to become so fixated on any one person. They kissed, Cas wasn't into it, that should've been that. This wasn't the first time Dean had been rejected, so why the hell did he even care so much? It wasn't like he was in love with Cas or anything.

The thought made him uneasy in a way he couldn't quite explain. He knew that he felt _something _for Cas. At the very least, he could admit to himself that he'd never felt anything close to what he felt when Cas kissed him. Whenever he thought about it, which was a lot if he was being honest, his jeans felt uncomfortably tight and he had to take a minute.

Still, Dean was a teenage boy. He had urges, same as anyone. But that didn't mean he was in love. He definitely wasn't in love with a boy, either.

He just wished they could go back to normal. Back to friends. Back to casual flirting and touching that made Dean feel warm and happy but didn't have to change anything. A kiss… Well, as much as Dean wished it didn't, a kiss changed everything.

When the bus came to a stop, the boys started filing out after the coach. After they had all hit the locker rooms and changed into their uniforms, Dean found Cas sitting by himself on the bench in front of the bleachers. Before he could stop himself, he walked up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Good luck out there," he said, barely keeping his voice from shaking.

Cas startled, flinching away and looking up at Dean with an expression that Dean couldn't place. He could only assume it was fear, and his heart sunk. He backed away. "I… I'm sorry." Dean turned and rushed out of the gymnasium, busying himself at the drinking fountain.

Cas watched him go, sitting there in confusion. That was… weird. Dean hadn't spoken to him all week, and now, he tried to make small talk only to disappear immediately after. Just when Cas thought he had figured out the mystery of Dean Winchester, the boy threw him another curve ball.

As brief and awkward as the interaction was, it rooted a tiny sapling of hope in Cas's heart. Maybe Dean missed him. Maybe he was just hurt after Cas ran away. Maybe…

His train of thought was utterly derailed when he saw Dean walking back into the gymnasium with Robin at his side. She was on student council so of course she would be here, but Cas still wasn't prepared to watch her plant a chaste kiss on his cheek and squeeze his hand before nudging Dean to join the team.

When the team went out for burgers afterwards, Cas chose not to join them. Robin and Dean were still standing way too close and Cas could only take so much. So after the bus took the team back to the school, Cas walked back to Sonny's by himself. Once again, he felt stupid for allowing himself even a moment to hope that Dean would choose him.

When he got back to Sonny's, he headed straight to his room. He changed into a pair of loose sweatpants and decided to forego a shirt, crawling into bed. He sighed heavily. Dean had made himself clear, and Cas knew he should quit hoping. It would only make things worse. All he could do was move on and try to forget just how much that kiss had meant to him.

He knew he was lying to himself for even thinking that was a possibility.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

"Hey, Dean!"

Dean looked up from his food when he heard Benny's voice and saw him running towards him. He glanced at Robin apologetically and gave Benny an unamused look. "What is it, Benny?"

"Dude, are you going to the Homecoming game tonight?" Benny asked, as if it was the most urgent thing he could possibly be asking. Dean chuckled and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hadn't thought about it," he shrugged, then glanced at Robin. "Are you going?"

Robin pouted. "They need me to help set up for the dance. But you should go. It's a lot of fun."

Dean considered it. He glanced at the look on Benny's face, rolling his eyes when the boy waggled his eyebrows at him. "Fine, I guess it could be fun."

"Dude, yes!" Benny exclaimed, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him a few times. "Promise, Chief, you won't regret it."

"Yeah, whatever," Dean chuckled, shaking his head. Benny was already heading back to his table where Ash and Chuck were bickering about something or other. Dean turned back to Robin and smiled, a bit forced. "I don't have to paint my face, do I?"

Robin laughed, shaking her head. "Not unless you want to. Benny only goes for the cheerleaders anyways."

"Yeah," Dean laughed, grinning. "To tell ya the truth, I've never actually been to one of these things."

Robin's eyes widened a bit in surprise. "Never?"

"Never."

"Wow," Robin said thoughtfully. "I definitely thought you'd be the sporty type."

Dean laughed, a little wistful, and Robin gave him a curious look. "Cars and hunting, that's about all I learned how to do for basically my whole life."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Robin said casually, and Dean stifled a very, very bitter laugh.

"You have no idea."

Robin watched him for a few moments, trying to decide whether or not to press for more details. Based on the guarded look Dean was wearing, she decided not.

The bell rang and they stood up, standing there awkwardly for a moment.

"So I'll see you later-"

"I guess I should-"

They both spoke at the same time and then laughed softly. Dean smiled hesitantly at her and leaned in to kiss her, a brief, feather-light touch. "I'll see you later," he said. He hated that his smile felt so forced. Robin deserved better.

They parted ways and Dean noticed Cas leaving the cafeteria, holding hands with Balthazar. His stomach turned and he felt sick. He had noticed before that Balthazar's feelings for Cas were maybe a little more than platonic, but he didn't think that Cas…

_Stop it, _he scolded himself, averting his gaze and heading to class. If Cas wanted to date Balthazar, he could. Dean couldn't stop him. And why should he? Even if Cas _did _want to be with Dean, it would never end well. The life of a hunter didn't allow for things like love and commitment. The incident at the carnival had made him realize that. They had been lucky. But next time, and there was _always _a next time for him, what if Cas got hurt? Dean could never forgive himself if he let that happen.

So it was for the best. Dean knew that. But knowing didn't make it any easier when he got to chemistry class and saw Cas and Balthazar walk in shortly after, holding hands once again.

Jealousy. Yeah, that was a new one for him.

…

"Bal, you know I have no interest in sweaty jocks giving each other concussions over a big leather peanut." Cas looked at Balthazar, unamused, as they walked to chemistry class together, holding hands. Cas was grateful for the touch from his best friend. It was calming, comforting. It kept him grounded and reminded him of what mattered.

"Come on, Cassie, it'll be fun," Balthazar said, then smiled suggestively. "Besides, some of those sweaty jocks look damn good in those pants."

Cas's face flushed and he laughed. "You're incorrigible," he scoffed. "But fine. I'll go. If only because I love the popcorn they sell at the concessions booth."

Balthazar grinned. "That's the spirit, Cas!"

They walked into the chemistry lab still talking and laughing quietly, and Balthazar squeezed his hand before letting him go to his seat, next to Dean.

Cas could feel Balthazar watching them from across the room, suspicious and brooding. He looked up when the teacher started the lesson, keeping his focus lasered in on taking notes. He was glad that it was a textbook kind of day and not a lab partner kind of day. It made things a bit less awkward.

Dean was struggling to keep up with the note-taking, his attention drawn to Cas's hands and his quick, elegant writing. He wondered why he'd never paid much attention to Cas's hands before. His fingers were long and nimble and Dean couldn't help but remember the way they felt against his skin, pushing his shirt up just so…

Dammit.

Dean shifted in his seat, pulling his jacket down and attempting to hide the evidence of his train of thought. He couldn't help himself, though, he kept sneaking glances at Cas. Even when Cas wasn't looking at him, he could see the slight drawing together of his eyebrows as he concentrated, and the tiny frown on his face as he subtly mouthed the words he was writing. He was wearing a dark blue shirt that brought out his eyes, topped with a black hoodie, and his hair was sticking out in every which way.

He was sitting so close and it was simply _intoxicating. _But Dean couldn't look away.

"Mr. Winchester," the teacher said, annoyed, pausing in his lecturing. "Please, stop daydreaming and start taking notes. This _will _be on the test."

Dean nodded quickly and directed his eyes to his notebook, jotting down crap about molecules and atomic numbers with a shaky hand. He could feel wondering eyes on him and he wished he could crawl under the lab table and hide. That is, until he noticed a certain pair of eyes sneaking a couple of not-so-subtle glances at him. He looked up just in time to catch Cas's eyes, and it was the first time in more than a week that Cas had actually looked at him.

He wanted to say something, but nothing seemed quite right. Not here, not now, not enough. He just wanted his friend back. And maybe, if he was lucky, he wouldn't mind Cas kissing him again. He hadn't had the presence of mind to appreciate it enough the first time and he missed the feeling. He wanted another go.

The opportunity to say anything at all was lost when Cas cleared his throat and turned his attention back to his notebook. Dean felt like he'd screwed up his only chance.

Before he knew it, the bell rang and class was out. Cas was up and out the door before Dean could even gather his books. Sighing, Dean slung his backpack over one shoulder and made his way to the library. Oh, if Sammy could see him now, actually doing homework and shit. He'd be so proud.

He made it about an hour before he'd had enough. He decided to head out to the football field and try and get a good seat. He didn't know when Benny was planning on showing up but he didn't really care much about that. He was mostly going because it was easier than going home and being ignored by Cas all night. He could only take so much of that.

He saw the band getting set up in their section of the bleachers, and Dean decided to make himself comfortable on the end closest to the exit. He had a feeling he wasn't going to stick around for the whole thing.

"Hey there, chief!"

Dean startled a bit and looked up when Benny sat down beside him, clapping his shoulder roughly. "Hey man," he said with a light laugh.

"Ready to watch some babes in tiny skirts do cartwheels?" Benny asked with a wide grin, which quickly turned to amusement. "Oh right, I forgot, Winchester's got a girlfriend now."

Dean shoved his shoulder. "She's not my girlfriend," he muttered.

"Right," Benny scoffed. "If not Robin then Chatty Cassie. Take your pick."

Dean grumbled incoherently and shoved him again. Benny laughed and shook his head.

"Just speaking the truth."

"Yeah, well, shut up," Dean snarked.

"What?" Benny asked, holding his hands up. "I'm not judging. Just saying it's obvious, the way you look at him."

"I… I don't…"

"Yeah, you do," Benny said, staring at him with a deadpan expression. "Look, man, it's fine if you don't wanna talk about… whatever's been going on with you two. But it's eatin' at you, I can tell. Just talk to him, for god's sake."

Dean shook his head, staring out at the field where a couple of players were getting warmed up. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't wanna talk to me. I've tried."

Benny shrugged. "If you say so. You're both just so mopey. I almost liked it better when you guys made gross doe-eyes at each other all the time."

"We didn't-" Dean stopped short. There was no use lying, and he was tired of it anyways. He wasn't going to admit it out loud, what Cas meant to him, whatever this _thing _was between them, but he couldn't quite deny it either. "I fucked up," he said finally, a resigned whisper.

Benny nudged him with his shoulder, gently, offering a warm smile. "Trust me, man, he looks at you, same way you look at him. Whatever you did, you can't fuck _that _up. Not so easy, anyway."

Dean felt something dangerous tug at his heart: hope. He sighed and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. Benny didn't say anything else, but it was enough for Dean to feel like he was drowning.

They sat in silence for a while, except for Benny nudging him and pointing at the cheerleaders when they started their routine. "If you don't got a girlfriend or a boyfriend, then maybe what you need is a _distraction." _

Maybe Benny was right. Perhaps Dean could use a distraction that wasn't going to end with him hurting someone he cared about. Robin was great at distracting him from Cas, but he knew that he was only going to hurt her and he hated it.

So, he let himself enjoy watching the cheerleaders. No harm in that, right?

Once the game started, Dean found himself actually getting into it, cheering and booing appropriately. He'd never had much of a chance to care about school sports teams, but it felt kinda nice to feel like he was part of something. At some point, Ash joined them, painted in school colors from his chest up. Benny and Dean had to stop him from tossing his shirt onto the field after a particularly exciting play. Dean was laughing and cheering and jumping up from his seat, getting lost in the crowd mentality and the deafening sound of bass drums and trumpets.

All of that was drowned out into the background, however, when he noticed a familiar head of unruly black hair. He froze, staring after Cas who was heading towards the concessions stand.

He ignored Benny asking him if he was alright, and he was walking towards Cas before he even gave his legs permission to move. He hesitated before he reached the concessions, trying to work up the courage. Balthazar wasn't next to him and the boy's from Sonny's weren't around to interrupt. This could be his only chance.

A flick of movement in the darkness caught his eye, over by the school, and he frowned. Instinctively, he stuck his hand in his pocket and wrapped his fingers around his knife, already walking closer to get a better look.

"You better not have forgotten my hot dog, Cassie." Balthazar grinned as Cas came back from the concessions stand, but his smile fell when he saw the look on Cas's face. "What's wrong?" He followed Cas's gaze and saw Dean sprinting back to the school. He sighed. "Cas, he's not worth it. Leave it." Cas hesitated and Balthazar added, "Please. Let's just watch the game and cheer for the wrong team, okay?"

"We all play for the other team, anyways," Charlie chimed in with a sneaky smile, and Cas actually choked out a laugh. Balthazar smiled. "But I swear to god if you guys cheer for those heathens, I will skin you both alive."

As Dean got closer to the school, he caught a glimpse of Gordon running inside. Running from someone. No, some_thing_.

"Dammit," he muttered, following Gordon and that _thing _into the school. Gordon may have been a dick, but Dean was a hunter. And saving people was his job. Even people like Gordon.

"Get the hell away from me!"

He heard Gordon shout, panicked and fearful, and Dean ran faster to catch up to them. He followed a trail of drops of blood to the bathrooms, approaching cautiously as he heard Gordon's voice echoing scared and shaking. He was going for the element of surprise. And it would've worked if Gordon didn't look right at him as soon as he rounded the corner. So much for that.

Dean slapped on a half-cocky, half-terrified grin, getting into a fighting stance as the monster turned to face him. Now that he had a better look, he realized it was a vampire. The thing bared its teeth at Dean and he stuffed his knife in his pocket. It was useless here.

"Look who came for dessert," the vamp sneered, grinning darkly as she studied Dean hungrily. Gordon was frozen in the corner, sweat and blood dripping from his forehead.

"Well, I would say eat me," Dean said with a shrug. "But, well, you know."

The monster lunged at Dean and he threw a punch, groaning through his teeth and shaking his hand out. Shit, that hurt.

The vamp made a sound that resembled a laugh and Dean glared. "You won't be laughing in a minute, you blood-sucking bitch."

A plan formulating, Dean circled around, getting in between the vamp and Gordon. "Come and get it," he taunted, grabbing his knife again and cutting a thin line into his arm. He winced a bit but didn't let it show. "Come on, I taste delicious!"

The vampire let out a shriek and jumped at him, and Dean side-stepped. He used her momentum to shove her towards the stalls, opening the door and then slamming it shut with expert timing. The head rolled out from the stall and Dean made a face, breathing heavily. "Don't lose your head or anything," he muttered, smiling to himself.

He looked back when he remembered Gordon, and his stomach dropped. Shit.

"You… Those _teeth… _the _head… _What the _fuck?" _Gordon scrambled to his feet and backed away from Dean towards the exit. "You stay the fuck away from me, freak!"

Gordon ran out of the bathroom and Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, don't thank me for saving your ass or anything."

Dean wiped his hands down his jeans and looked around. Well, someone had to clean up this mess. And something told him the janitor wouldn't keep his trap shut.

…

The game was nearly over by the time Dean had cleaned up the blood and disposed of the body, and Dean was exhausted. He decided to head back to Sonny's and call it a night.

While he had to admit some part of him enjoyed the adrenaline rush that came from killing a monster, he couldn't shake the feeling of dread in his gut. First the carnival, now this. He should've known that he couldn't run away from his past, from his life. He was a hunter. And hunters didn't get normal lives. It just didn't work like that. You fought and saved people and then you died young and bloody with 2 dollars to your name. That was just how it was.

But Dean had accepted that a long time ago. It was nothing new, as much as he despised the reminder. As he approached Sonny's porch, he realized the real reason why the vamp attack had him so shaken up.

Cas. If there were hunters and monsters around, then Cas was in danger. If _Dean _was around, then Cas was in danger. Bad shit followed him wherever he went, and it was selfish to want to be close to Cas because being close meant putting him in harm's way. That was one of the first things a hunter had to learn. If you cared about someone, the best thing to do was to get as far away from them as possible.

Dean refused to expose Cas to his life, to the darkness. No matter how badly he wished he could tell him everything and no matter how much he hoped Cas would pull him close and tell him he loved him anyway.

Dean's shoulders slumped as he got ready for bed, brushing his teeth and slipping into some sweatpants before crawling under the covers.

…

"_Dean!"_

_Panicked and breathing hard, Dean ran through the halls of the school, trying to find the source of the cries for help._

"_Dean!"_

_Letting out a groan that was verging on a sob, he skidded to a stop and turned on his heels. How was it behind him now?_

"_Help me!"_

_The voice echoed, seeming to come from every direction at once, far away and out of reach. _

"_You can't save them, Dean."_

_He jumped and turned around, the color draining from his face when he saw who was standing there. _

"_Sammy?"_

"_You can't save them."_

"_Who? I don't…"_

"_You can't save _anyone, _Dean. You couldn't even protect your own brother."_

"_Sammy…" Dean collapsed to his knees and Sam disappeared. Dean cried out, desperate, "Sammy!"_

"_Dean! Help me!"_

_Forcing himself to get to his feet, Dean tried to focus. He still had a job to do. Saving people. That's what he was good at. _

_He held his gun and flashlight out in front of him, ignoring the fact that he hadn't had them a minute ago, and started kicking open doors. _

"_Dean!"_

_The voice was becoming more familiar as Dean got closer. It was still foggy and Dean couldn't quite place it._

_As Dean came to the end of the hall, ready to kick down the last door, suddenly the voice was crystal clear._

"_Dean, help me!"_

_Cas._

_Dean barged into the room to find Cas on the floor and a vampire standing above him with blood dripping from its mouth. _

_Not bothering to think about how he suddenly had a machete instead of a gun, Dean cried out and lunged at the monster, beheading it with one hard swing. Then he fell to the ground beside Cas, landing hard on his knees. _

"_Cas," he choked out. "Cas! Stay with me, don't you die on me."_

"_Why didn't you save me?"_

"_What?" Dean flinched away, startled, and Cas reached up to touch his face. His throat was ripped out, he should be dead, but he was talking to Dean._

"_You were supposed to save me, Dean," Cas said again, and Dean choked out a sob. "You did this to me, Dean."_

"Dean!"

Dean shot up in bed, sweat and tears indistinguishable against his pale skin. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he grabbed his knife from under his pillow, going for the throat…

"Dean!" Cas gasped, and the knife fell from Dean's shaking hand.

"Cas?" he whispered, his voice cracked and trembling.

"It's just me, Dean," Cas said softly, his features heavy with worry. "You're safe. It was just a dream."

Dean let out a shaky sob and collapsed against Cas's chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cas…"

Cas hushed him and crawled up into Dean's bed, holding the boy to his chest. He rubbed his back gently and whispered calming nothings in his ear. Cas started singing softly and Dean choked out a sob as he recalled something he'd long-since forgotten.

He didn't remember much about his mom. But as soon as Cas started singing- "_Hey, Jude… Don't be afraid" -_Dean remembered her favorite song and her sweet voice as she sang him to sleep.

Dean cried softly into Cas's shoulder as his shaking fingers curled into Cas's shirt and refused to move. He tried to focus on Cas's low, rough voice, on his heartbeat. Steady, real, _alive. _Cas was alive. Not another innocent doomed for just having known Dean. He was safe. That thought was enough to calm Dean's violent trembling and eventually he slumped, exhausted, in Cas's arms.

Cas sang to Dean until his voice was barely even a whisper and Dean was asleep in his arms. He didn't dare move and wake him. He was grateful that the other boys were sound sleepers.

He wished he knew what had Dean so scared. It was clearly a nightmare, but it seemed like more than that. Dean was terrified. Cas had never seen anything like it. It was like Dean thought it was real, whatever his nightmare was about. Cas really didn't know what to make of that.

Cas tried not to think about it. He focused on laying Dean down on his pillow. He was about to go back to his own bed when Dean latched onto his hand. Cas wasn't sure if he was even conscious but his grip was desperate and fearful, like he didn't want to lose him. Sighing, Cas grabbed Dean's hand and laid down beside him. Dean was curled up on his side and Cas laid there with his arm draped over Dean's waist. His breath caught in his throat when Dean nestled closer to him, wrapping an arm around Cas and burying his face in his chest.

Cas couldn't move for a few moments. He was having a hard time believing this was actually happening. Dean had barely even looked at him since their kiss, and now he was insisting that they sleep in the same bed. Cas told himself it was just the nightmare.

It was difficult not to hope, though. Especially when Dean only pulled him closer rather than pushing him away.

…

They didn't talk about what happened. Dean felt like he'd completely humiliated himself and scared the shit out of Cas. What else was there to talk about?

He didn't know why Cas had agreed to stay with him all night, holding him and comforting him. Dean had pulled a knife on him. He'd almost hurt him. Why was Cas still being so kind to him?

He tried not to think about what Benny had said at the game. It was insane. Cas wasn't in love with him. Dean just wasn't worth that level of devotion. There had to be another explanation. Maybe Cas felt bad for him. He'd seen the pathetic darkness behind Dean's confident facade and he was taking pity on him. Taking care of him and then turning around and mocking him for being so weak.

Yeah. That made more sense than the idea of Cas being _in love _with him.

Dean sat alone at lunch. Robin was busy with Homecoming dance preparations and Dean just didn't have the energy to joke around with the boys. He went from lost in thought to high alert, however, when he spotted Gordon leaving the cafeteria. He didn't trust that dick to not blow this whole thing up in Dean's face. He had to make sure he wasn't going to tell anyone. Unfortunately, he knew the best way to do that.

Making sure no one was following him, Dean found Gordon behind the school. As Gordon turned around in surprise, Dean grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. He had a dangerous look in his eyes and a sneer on his face that meant he wasn't messing around. Still, Dean was a little surprised that Gordon actually looked scared.

"You tell anyone?" Dean growled, pressing his arm against Gordon's neck.

Gordon grunted and tried to push Dean away but it became pretty clear that Dean was stronger than him. He'd been holding back before. "No, you crazy freak," he snapped. "You think anyone would believe me?"

Dean huffed out a bitter, dark laugh. Gordon had a point. He pushed away from him and glared at the boy. "Good. You try running your mouth and I swear to god you'll regret it."

Gordon nodded quickly, holding a hand to his throat and running off.

Dean sighed, turning and sliding his back down the wall until he was sitting on the sidewalk. That was one less thing to worry about, at least.

The next thing on his list was figuring out what to do about the dance. It wasn't that he didn't want to go with Robin, but he was afraid that he was giving her the wrong impression. Every chaste kiss was getting more and more forced and he felt like the worst person on the planet.

He decided he would find her after school. They needed to talk, as much as he was dreading it. He didn't even know what he was going to say.

After chemistry lab was over, which was as awkward as ever with Cas sitting next to him, Dean made his way to the gymnasium where he knew Robin would be getting ready for the dance. It was three days away now so Dean was cutting it pretty close.

"Hey, Dean!" she said with a smile as she bounced over to him, pecking his cheek. "What do you think? The theme is _Stairway to Heaven. _I know it's cliche, but…"

"I like it," Dean said honestly. He looked around at the pure white decorations, the fake staircase which served as the photoshoot backdrop, and the banner reading 'Stairway to Heaven' that hung above the stage. "Do you have a minute?" he asked after a moment of hesitation. She gave him a worried look but nodded, following him outside.

"Is everything okay, Dean?" she asked, and a part of her already knew the answer.

Dean shook his head, running his hands over his face before meeting her eyes. "I… I like you, Robin," he started. "I just… I didn't mean to make you think…"

"Dean," Robin stopped him, smiling sadly. She'd seen this coming. "It's okay."

Dean frowned, looking at her in confusion. "Wait, what? You're not mad or anything? You don't wanna slap me?"

Robin laughed a bit, shaking her head. "No. I knew this wasn't some epic romance. Not starring me, anyways."

"What does that mean?" Dean asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

Robin rolled her eyes. "Dean, you know." When he didn't say anything, she continued. "Cas. I'd have to be blind not to see you staring at him."

Dean tried to deny it, but Robin gave him a knowing look and he just couldn't.

"Look, we can still go to the dance if you want," she went on. "As friends. But you should really try talking to him."

Dean was tired. He had been trying so hard to deny his feelings for Cas, but something about the way Robin was looking at him, so understanding and kind… He just couldn't do it anymore.

"I… I don't know," he whispered, his shoulders sagging as a defeated expression crossed his face. He didn't know why he still couldn't say the words. "He's… Cas, he's different," he tried again, and it still wasn't coming out how he wanted it to. "He kissed me, and… God, I never thought…"

He looked at Robin, suddenly wondering if he shouldn't be saying this to her. But she didn't look hurt or upset. She was actually smiling. Dean swallowed thickly and continued.

"I've never had a kiss like that," he admitted. "I've never… felt like this. I…"

"You love him," Robin finished for him. He grunted and averted his gaze, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I don't wanna lose him," he told her quietly.

They went silent for a few moments, then Robin grabbed his hand and met his gaze. "How 'bout this? You and me, we can go to the dance as friends. And then you're gonna talk to Cas and tell him how you really feel."

"I… don't know…"

"Not up for negotiation," Robin said with finality, grinning at him. He couldn't help but smile back. "I've gotta go help them finish up in there, but I'll see you later, Dean."

He nodded and she ran back inside, and then he was alone with his thoughts again. With a lot more to think about. He couldn't use Robin, hurting her, as an excuse anymore. She actually _wanted _him to go for it with Cas. That was one he didn't see coming.

He had to ask himself what he really had to lose. Cas was already refusing to talk to him. He'd already ruined their friendship, so what harm would it do to come clean? He didn't have a damn clue what he would even say but at least he had to let Cas know that he cared. He owed him that much. At worst, Cas would keep ignoring him. At best… Well, Dean didn't want to get his hopes up. But the idea made him smile.

Maybe Cas hated him. Maybe he was scared of him, wanted nothing to do with him. Maybe he would tell Dean to fuck off. Maybe he didn't love him.

But on the other hand… Maybe he did.


End file.
